Lotus - I'm so sorry you're here.  There aren't many of us here with open relationship experience.  Most of us have been lied to again and again until we finally just leave.  Did he say why he waited 10 years to tell you AND on your honeymoon of all places!!??  That's rude and hurtful. 

We do see a lot of people come through here who mention being high school sweethearts with their gay or bi partners.  It seems like in this day and age, sticking with the first person you date is kind of a red flag.  Can you tell us more about your story?

He was in denial until, what ..... he got married to a woman?  Seems unlikely.  More like he figured you were locked down now, and unlikely to bolt from your honeymoon.  No one you knew was going to see you upset. You had several days to come to terms with it. And if you were onboard, he could have gotten someone over to the hotel immediately.  Telling you he was in denial is a load of horseshit.

I'm so sorry.

Kel

I totally agree that this is something the should've came up before we were married. I also never thought about the fact he did while we were in another country where I had no support system and had weeks to come to term before heading home. I'm definitely started to ask myself some hard questions and making a plan. I was under the impression when the topic came up he would only be hooking up with men, but thats not the case its both men and women. We have been trying this open thing for a few weeks, but there are some kinkns and simple respect on both our sides that aren't being meant.I'm also starting to come to the realization that I may be in a slightly manipulative relationship. 

Lotus,

Put the brakes on the entire open relationship thing.  Tell him that it's hurting you more than you thought it would, and it's not going the way you need it to.  That you're not sure how to fix it, but for now, you want to put all the brakes on and stop the hurt.  THEN watch his reaction.  I can almost guarantee that he won't say, "Oh my God, sweetie - that's the furthest thing from what I wanted!"  He will either try to get you to tell him how to fix it so that things can continue on, or he will get angry that you're trying to stop this thing.  In reality, if sleeping with others isn't a big deal, then it shouldn't be a big deal to NOT do it, either.  Resist the temptation to say, "I thought it was only going to be with other men.", because then he'll say, "Ooooooh, okay - than I'll only sleep with other men!"  And he might - for a bit.  But I think that you're not even comfortable with that, so why bill it as something you're fine with when it's only fine compared to him sleeping with women, too?  Tell him you want all the brakes put on, and time to think about what you want.  The reaction afterward is what I'm wanting you to pay attention to.  That's where the true colors will come out.  And THAT is what you'll be up against moving forward - that entitlement, that anger, that drive to get what he wants.  You need to see that it allllll it's glory.  Because THAT's the real problem here - not the fact that he has desires and wants to explore them.  It's the attitude behind that desire that will determine whether this is something the two of you can work through, or if it's something he INTENDS to have, no matter what your feelings on the matter.  Put the brakes on for MONTHS.  Any time he wants to discuss it, tell him you're still not sure what you want.  Be vague.  This is to show him that you might never get to the point where you're fine and aggreeable to him sleeping with others.  And that should be FINE with him if he truly loves you and this is something that he doesn't really need.  If he can't accept that, then you'll truly see what you're up against.  Don't tell him you need time and then allow him to pressure you every day or every few days into talking about it.  Heck - he took YEARS to tell YOU the truth.  Don't be pressured into working on his timeline.  He wasn't concerned about your timeline at all before.  It's time for YOUR timeline to be front and center now.

If you find out that he's GOING to have what he wants (and you'll need to watch to see if he's saying he won't do it, but then does so sneakily), then it's your best bet to end this relationship before it gets more complicated - with the needs of children entering into the picture, too.  It's VERY difficult to end a marriage with someone you're in love with.  But it's immeasurably more difficult later - when you have even more people's hearts to consider.

If you're seeing the light that you're in a manipulative relationship, then it's time to view everything with your eyes wide open.  You owe that to yourself.  Resist all temptation to just go with the flow - if he's maniuplative, he's probably already got you very well conditioned to do just that.  Push back and see who he truly is.

All my best -

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 21, 2017 11:08 am)