My husband has always lied to me,and always had an excuse ready,or explosive reaction,i have made excuses for him, warned the kids to stay out of dads way when he's in a mood. 4 years ago he started smoking pot after being clean for 12 years, it helped the anger alot, i found out 2 years later.
Our fights were always the same,no sex no intimacy no trust and how alone i felt,he walked out on us at least once a year for 3-5 days, sex was good, his 1st night back, he's never really made love to me, i thought robotic, i read mechanical on here.
Gay porn has shown up here and there over the years, but i could never say, I know its yours,until 4 months ago,and even then I  let him off the hook,by telling him i understand because he was sexually abused as a child, i now question how much was abuse, one story always bothered me,he got a bj from a male cousin when he was 17 years old, just seems off. He has always been a Survivor, takes what he wants, it's hard to imagine that he could be taken advantage of.
When he was 12,he went to stay with a family who had a gay son a few years older than him,and things happened (im not sure what) then at 15 he chose to go back, he was 2000 miles from home both times,he says it was the money that drew him back,new clothes,plenty of food,things his single mother of 6 couldn't provide.
He's been telling me he stopped watching gay porn,a few weeks ago he was up till 2am and i asked if he was watching porn, his voice sounded the same when he said no, as it did when he said he wasn't gay,(he doesn't know about Google chrome history) so i know he was lying about the porn then.
I have been in denial so long, lied to so much i dont know what is real. How broken am I.