Phoenix,

I did a lot things very well with the help of an experienced divorce lawyer.   Also my support network of God, family, friends, SSN all helped.

I like your statements of I should of stood up to her more  and I should have kicked her out of the house.
I could not legally kick her out and keep the kids  but I wish had been stronger during her rage ...I did the best I could at the time and can live with myself now knowing I that I did not become a monster (like her).  

The divorce took too long though and living in the same house was hell on earth.  I should have gotten a lawyer sooner and filed if only to get it over with faster..   But, looking back now, being in shock and trauma it was probably best that things took place slower..lifetime decisions had to be made and were best not rushed into.




 

I think the only thing I'd do differently would have been to leave the relationship sooner.  I, like Lake Breeze, didn't know my ex was gay until after we'd decided to divorce.  It was still before the actual divorce, but after we'd both thrown in the towel.  It STILL hurt, and I had a really rough time seeing how happy he was dating - he'd never once shown that level of happiness in my 16 years with him.  It made me question our entire marriage.

I may have hit my ex straight with the "Are you gay?" question much earlier.  I was always afraid to offend him with that question.  And I'd asked repeatedly what the issue (in the bedroom, namely) was about.  And he always said he just wasn't that into sex.  He'd had a horribly abusive past sexually, and I expected that to affect him.  But I always did have thoughts that he was gay, and just didn't come right out and ask him.  When going to counseling after I'd asked for a divorce, I asked him if he was gay.  Straight out.  With the same tone I'd use if I asked him if he thought maybe his upset stomach was from being lactose intolerant.  And he paused.  Told me he'd have to think about it.  I knew right then and there.  It wasn't until a good year later that I got actual confirmation.  So if I could have done it over again, I'd have asked him outright sooner.  Not that I have any assurance that he wouldn't have just lied.  In my mind, I knew that if the answer to that question led me to believe he was actually gay, it wasn't something that could be fixed.  And I'm not sure what I would have done with that info at that time - I wasn't ready to give up yet.  But I still would have asked it outright much earlier - years earlier.  In the end, the reason for the lack of passion didn't wind up mattering as much as the fact that whatever it was didn't seem like it was ever going to be fixed.  And I coudln't live with that.

It's honestly difficult for me to wish any of it went differently.  I am so happy with my current life that if I'd become unattached earlier, my current husband wouldn't have been single, and I wouldn't be where I am today - in this marriage, in this house, in this life.  And I believe (we both do) that all our prior relationship stuff had to be gone through and learned in order for us to both be who were are today, which is why this works so well.  I appreciate the hell out of him now.  And he me.  I became truly single on Aug. 1st, which is when ex moved out.  My current husband was already living on his own for two years by then, but his divorce was final the 3rd week in November.  We met on the last day of November.  Any other little tug on any string and the whole tapestry that is my current life would never have been woven.

Now,.... maybe I'd be JUST as happy with someone else, or I'd be just as happy if I were single at this point.  I don't know.  But it's hard to wish I'd done a damned thing differently when I like where the road led me so much.  I'm happy, and I'm more empathetic and helpful to others going through similar circumstances.  My life would never have been what it today without every.single.bump in that long road.  And I'm fine with that.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (July 28, 2017 2:14 pm)

Hi Phoenix,

I just wanted to say that mood altering drugs tend to affect your appetite and you probably couldn't help the weight gain.  If you are off the anti-depressants now then hopefully you should be able to lose the weight relatively easily.

I wish I'd been more assertive in taking my share.  I wish I hadn't let him get away with all the petty thievery on top of all the insult already given.  I wish I'd been louder and more aggressive and made everyone believe me not him but you know what - there are worse things to regret, I didn't do too bad for myself in handling it all and I'm just glad I'm me.

    For me it's been two and a half years since disclosure, and speaking with the benefit of hindsight and all the reading and psychological work I've had to do after my husband disclosed he believed he was transgender, the most important thing I could have done was to stick to my guns about divorce and not allow myself to be drawn into his drama, psychologically and sexually.  
    I should have followed through on the decision I made in the two months following his disclosure of an immediate separation and divorce, and done my grieving safe from his disordered behavior and thinking and his attempts to co-opt me into "helping" him.   As is, I've spent more than two years on an emotional rollercoaster and for too much of that time trying to contort myself and my values into something that could accommodate his new persona.  The best I can say about that is that it was a process, and that despite the pain, the grief, the regrets, the difficulties, this whole transgender nightmare has forced me to look at aspects of myself that keep me from being emotionally healthy.   I've done a lot of the grieving that accompanies the breakup of a 35 year marriage before we separate. 
   The other thing I wish I'd done was immediately to tell my immediate family and to find a supportive therapist.  It would have helped to have had an outside perspective and my family's love and support.  An outside perspective, and love and support, I believe, are crucial for spouses who are living in someone else's closet.  Without them, one is isolated in the spouse's disorder and in the spouse's closet, and the spouse controls the narrative and the image of both parties in the marriage.
   Shame and concern for my child kept me from speaking to my family, and concern that I would be judged as transphobic by a therapist kept me from seeking therapeutic help. Coming out of his closet and my own isolation when I did speak to those I could trust, including a good therapist, has helped me immensely. 
   However, I think that knowing what I did then--which was nothing about autogynephlia--and having experience only with the trans narrative that prevails on university campuses and in liberal discourse (I mean "liberal" in the historical, good sense, not as in liberal politically), and being the kind of person I am, which is someone given to emotional care-taking and even co-dependency and trauma bonding (I grew up in an abusive household with a violent and mentally ill father, and had a bad model in my mother, who trained me to see my needs as subordinate to others' and my worth as derived from self sacrifice), I'm not sure I was in the position to have have done anything different.
    I do wish I'd found both this SS network and Chump Lady much sooner than I did.  Chump Lady is for the spouses of cheaters, but much of what is described there fit my experience of my husband's narcissistically disordered behavior, and the dismantling of my own self-defeating behavior ("spackling," "untangling the skein of fuckeupedness"--other terms for denial and bargaining), together with the unwavering support for our own best interest, helped me when I began to emerge from the initial trauma and confusion after disclosure and after I decided to come out of the closet and speak to those I could trust.  
     Because I don't think I could have done anything different, given who I was and what I knew and had experience of, I think it's important that we not beat ourselves up for what we did or did not do under trying circumstances (understatement of the year, that: "trying circumstances").  As I say, the benefit of hindsight....
 
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 29, 2017 5:02 am)