I"m so sorry, Josie, for the pain you're feeling, and for the wreck this man has made of your lives.  

Although my father was not GID, he did commit suicide (I was already an adult), and our family was told by a counselor that all those who are left feel guilt: it comes with the territory.  And yes, the act also feels like the "ultimate FU"; at times, however, I was able to tell myself that my father was psychologically ill and in pain--not in his right mind (my father was bipolar, and had paranoid delusions that he was being watched 24/7, even in the house).  For you, TGT adds an additional layer of confusion, guilt, and hurt to the confusion, guilt, and hurt that inevitably follows in the wake of a suicide.  

I have no insight on the question you asked, but I couldn't just pass over your post without saying how sorry I am for what you and your family are going through.  Please treat yourself kindly, and know that the decision to kill himself was his and his alone.  
   
  

Josie,

A sincere prayer for you and your family.    I hope your kids don't feel any respnsibility.  How shocking..yet I think you knew your husband had other mental issues besides TGT ?

Do not beat yourself up.   No matter how hurt, angry and shocked we were about our spouses lies and TGT,   we  sometimes forget ..... they have their own issues/demons/problems  that  we cannot solve or help with.. at some point I feel they move beyond our grasp to help...either by pushing us away or hurting us so much that our fierce love for them simply cannot get through..   I hung on and tried so hard to get
my now ex to change her mind (pick me, stop, come back) and was so kind to her even when she was hurting and raging at me.    I know I could not have tried any harder.. and from what you wrote to us...neither could you have.


a kind e-hug 

OH my God, Josie.  I'm SO sorry.  I gasped out loud when I read that he had taken his life.  I'm sure you are suffering greatly at the moment with so many confusing emotions - meanwhile, trying to comfort your kids.

The only positive thing I can say at this point is that he gets to always be a hero to the kids from now on.  My sister has gone through her narcissist dh constantly blowing the kids off and hurting them emotionally, and she's many times said, "God - it would be easier if he'd just died" (he too had tried repeatedly to commit suicide).  She said that he just keeps breaking their daughter's hearts - that if he'd died, they could talk about him in a way that made them forever fond of him.  Instead, he's this ghost that only comes around to hurt them.  Maybe since your kids never knew about his sexual confusion they'll just see him as a great dad to the very end.

This wasn't your fault.  He had to be in immense pain in order to feel that this was his only option.  And that pain was likely caused from him not being able to live without being authentic any longer, and at the same time not being able to see himself as accepting that reality.  He was and always has been in conflict with himself.  He could not accept himSELF, Josie.  That discomfort was too painful to keep bearing.  He was ill to have gotten to this point.  I totally get that you see this as a great big FU.  But that's not necessarily his motive at all.  I asked my sister's husband once what made him get to the point of trying to commit suicide when he'd done so a few months earlier - what was so bad that he wanted to end?  And he just said, "I thought that everyone would be better off without me."  It was never about him escaping - it was about him feeling so worthless that he felt he was a burden to them.

I don't know any other str8 spouses this has happened to.  But I do know plenty of people who've died via suicide.  They really did all want to die and escape the pain that they were in, and the pain they thought they were causing.  And those weren't even people with some huge secret that they thought was blowing up anyone's world.  Most times it was just plain old endless depression.

I'm so sorry, hon.

Kel

Josie,
I'm so sorry to hear this news.  How awful!   Keep reaching out when you can.  Offering sincere thoughts and care,
Tam.

Oh Josie,
I’m SO sorry, how horrific.  Please remember, this is absolutely not your fault. Keeping you and your children in my thoughts, and hoping you all find peace.

Dee