I've had a rough few days.  So much so I don't even know where to start....a few nights ago my husband and I got in a discussion about maybe him moving out.  As soon as he said he would I panicked and took it back.  I'm not sure what made me do that when really I want him out of here.  The next night we got in a serious discussion about our sex life.  One comment I made was that he never touches my breasts.  He said I have a few times....what?  I said do you hear how that sounds?  I kept asking why he has never been attracted to me sexually and he says he doesn't know, but that it is him not me.  At one point, without me saying it he said "I'm not gay!"  But he also can't explain why he has never wanted to have sex with me.  I reminded him that we did not have sex on our wedding night and that I had proposed to not have sex for the last month before our marriage hoping that would make him want me more and it resulted in nothing the night we got married and only three times on our honeymoon. During our discussion the other night he went on to say that he wanted to have sex with him that night.  He said "I want you to have your way with me"  WTF does that mean?  Have my way?  So he would just lay there?  That is not what I want.  I want him to want me. We talked more about him moving out, but decided to wait until therapy the next day to discuss moving out.  At therapy we discussed all of this.  He was late so I got to tell the therapist what had happened without him there.  I asked if she thought it was possible he was gay and she said I don't know him so she didn't know.  She asked some good questions and told him he needed to talk to his personal therapist about what we discussed.  He kept saying during therapy its not her its me.  She is attractive and I don't deserve her.  I am the one with the problem not her.  I asked what the "problem" was and he says he is afraid of intimacy.  I am so sick of all these therapists saying that the reason he doesn't want sex is an intimacy issue.  I think sex and intimacy are two different things!  We decided to table the idea of a separation until we meet next week.  The past two nights since we were at therapy he is being all nice.  He said tonight that he wanted to have sex.  I said this feels like a last ditch effort to get me to stay now that I've expressed I'm unhappy.  He says no, I really do want this.  I said if you didn't want me at 28 years old on our honeymoon why in the world do you want me now?  He went to his therapist today and he said he told him all about all of this.  His therapist said he needed to work on being  healthier and loving himself more.  Everyone keeps telling him this.  Why doesn't anyone think that he could be gay?  They all keep saying he is afraid of intimacy.  That he can work on it.  I am staying because I keep thinking what if  I am wrong.  What if it is just intimacy, etc?  I'm going crazy!  Also today he said if you have been unfaithful to me I would understand.  I said I haven't, but honestly I have thought about it.  I said you need to go to your therapist and figure out what is wrong because my needs are not being met.....I feel right now like I am being given the jedi mind trick and I can't get out from under its spell.  As soon as I think ok I am done my logical voice steps in and says what if....I have no idea what to do....

Thank you OOHC.  I agree with you, but I keep holding back.  I keep thinking if my husband says he can change and two therapists think things could change for us then what am I not seeing that they can?  And shouldn't I try to "work on things" before I throw in the towel?  I would think that if the therapists saw no chance at all that this can be fixed they would indicate that.  Or maybe they don't do that until we've had more sessions.  I think my husband and I have only been to the couples therapist together 4-5 times and a couple times by ourselves.  My husband seems to be genuinely trying to fix things and does not want our marriage to end.  I think that is what is keeping me here.  However, I am still thinking that this is beyond fixing....I just wish I was more sure of it.  

Josie,

"..husband seems to be genuinely trying to fix things.."


I really have no experience in this as my ex was clearly not trying to fix things. .she was torch and burn.

How is he trying to fix thing?  What proofs is he offering that he is straight and loves you more than anyone and life itself".  Would he die for you?   I guess what I'm saying is I that i was all in...i loved my then wife more than anything...there was nothing I would t have done for her...but I could not live rejected and shunned.

Rob, as far as what he is trying genuinely trying to do, no I don't see it to the extreme you are saying, but there is improvement.  He is so much less critical and he is spending more time with our kids and I.  He's also helping around the house more.  I am being a bit standoffish and saying I still need space so in some ways he can't win.  He is saying he wants to have sex, but at this point I feel like it may be just something he is saying to keep me here.  He says that he is changed and that is why he wants sex now, but that part is very hard to believe.  It's not like we had good sex at one point and then it dwindled.  It was never really there.  That's what I have to wonder about.  That's why I don't know about fixing it.  I emailed our couples therapist today and asked what she thought based on what she heard the other day in therapy.  I was wondering if she thought it was possible that he was gay.  She wants me to call her on Monday, but says she doesn't keep secrets from spouses so I would have to tell my husband I am calling her.  I responded that I can tell him I am calling her, but I won't tell him what it is about.  She says we then need to bring it up in therapy and address it.  It scares me a little for two reasons.  1. What if I am wrong.  It is a terrible thing to accuse someone of if its not true and 2.  I seriously doubt he will admit it even if it is indeed true.  I'm also going to tell her that there are so many other things at play here (in how bad our marriage has been) and get her advice as to whether I should continue in this marriage and therapy to work on it or not.  I wish I had more courage to just leave.  I thought today that a big thing that is holding me back is I was raised to stay in the marriage.  I never thought divorce was even an option.  It's just so hard to find myself here.  I am getting to the point where I think I just need to do it and it will be hard and will be uncomfortable to me, but that eventually I will get over it as will my kids.  I guess like ripping off a bandage.  Sorry I'm rambling!  My head is going around in circles!
 

I posted before I was done, I guess.  The other thing I am thinking about is your husband's current behavior, of making an effort around the house and saying he wants sex.  Have you considered that this isn't about fixing the marriage and making you happy, but preserving his cover?  All his new behavior, in the therapist's office and at home, may be motivated by a (warped) self-interest and not out of a genuine commitment to you or the marriage.   Let's say you have sex.  Then he goes to the therapist with you and says, "Yes, we're having sex!  I'm making progress!"  And you're in a bind; now you're cast as the stubborn one, the one with a problem.  And the therapists will push you and you will push yourself, doubting yourself (gaslighting, anyone?).  Has he ever made an effort like this when it was just you saying something wasn't right?    

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 6, 2017 6:55 am)