eight -

well, the one thing I'll give him is hooray for his brutal honestly.  To me, that's better than lies which will keep you hanging on and living a fake life.  He has lied by omission for the last 10 years, and that's the same as lying.  As disgusting as the whole situation is, it's a very simple question at this point: do you want to be a part of this?  He has spelled out in no uncertain terms exactly how he's going to live his life.  Keep in mind, STDs can be passed from his mouth to yours...it's not just the lower regions.  So, even if you decide to stay just for the companionship of a marriage - I wouldn't be kissing anyone's mouth who, as he so eloquently put it, "needs to suck dick". 

Your project to build a fence to get some together time sounds a lot like what my ex and I did.  We specifically drove the 16 hour trip to see his parents instead of flying, so we could "talk".  What a load of horseshit that was.  16 hours of lies is more like it.  Nothing but BS, bogus, tell you what you want to hear horseshit.  At least if he had said: here's the deal, I need to suck dick, I would have been like damn I'm outta here!  But instead, I floundered in his web of lies for another two years. 

So, although the decision is not a simple one in terms of ripping up your life and starting over, it is simple in terms of the fact that you have all the information you need.  Now all you have to do is decide if this is how the rest of your life will be played out. 
 

Last edited by Still Wondering (June 8, 2017 9:42 am)

Eightsix8,

Let me break down some of what your husband has said to you:

Yes we agreed to be monogamous but did you honestly think this would never happen?
Translation: It doesn't matter what I said - you should never have expected me to honor my words.  You cannot expect me to honor my word.  If you knew my brain, you'd know that to have any expectation of me not doing this is completely unreasonable.

You want to fully satisfy me..can you grow a dick?
Translation: Nothing you can do can or ever will fully satisfy me.  Because I'm into men.  And you aren't one.  You have no hope of coming up with a compromise - I will need to cheat on you with men.

I only get this urge every 7 or 8 mts.
Translation: I will only do this to once or twice a year.  It's noooooo biggie for me to cheat on you that often.  Geez.

It's Only a blow job...I need to suck dick.
Translation:  It's not cheating unless I'm intimate in the way Iiiii deem cheating.  And besides, this has nothing whatsoever to do with you - this is about dicks.  Which you don't have.  I need this in my life.  I will have it.

Dildo's don't do it for me. They don't feel real enough.
Translation:  I have no intention of not fully satisfying this desire.  Nothing short of the real thing will do.  And I intend to satisfy this need.

In your other post you wrote that the two of you had previously decided to be monogamous, but that you found out that he had been cheating on you over a seven year period.  With three men that he admitted to.  Only.... he's told you that he only needs this every 7-8 months.  There are 84 months in 7 years.  If he got the desire and satisfied it "only" every 7 months, that would make for 12 partners.  And you can practically guarantee that he's lying about how often this is.  What's he going to say, that it's every other month?  No - that seems like a lot to accept - even for you.  So he's going to minimize it.  So let's say he is doubling the time.  That means 84 months in 7 years, and he needs it every 3 months.  That's 28 partners/times!  Does that make a difference?  If you knew it was that much, would it change your outlook?

He is literally screaming at you that you cannot ever fully satisfy him because you are not a man.  Your husband is either extremely honest (which I doubt, since he was cheating on you for years), or he's not worried about your feelings whatsoever.  Why are you clinging to someone who isn't honest with you, isn't faithful to you, and isn't kind to your feelings?  Does that sound like a keeper?  I already know the answer - because you love him.  I get that.  I love a lot of people, though - that doesn't make them suitable spouse material, or even a good match for me, if they were that.  Now you're thinking "But I'm ALREADY married to him - I'm not just choosing him now."  Well, he may have been suitable husband material when you chose him.  But he's not now.  No one who can't be faithful is suitable spouse material.  And certainly no one that lies to you is.  And definitely no one who doesn't cherish you is, either.  You've got a trifecta here.

If what you want is a faithful, honest husband who cherishes you, you do NOT have it in this man.  He's screaming at you that you will never have that with him.  He's saying that he has needs that you can't meet, and it's unreasonable of you to expect that he won't satisfy them outside of the marriage - no matter what agreement or commitment he makes.

No amount of hitting nails into boards is going to fix this issue, Eightsix8.  Literally nothing you do will make this man faithful, honest or caring toward you.  Get away from him.  He's toxic and you keep drinking the poison, hoping it'll stop killing you.  It won't.  It never will.  Put the poison down and make an exit plan.  It will be difficult, but not as difficult as dying a little bit every day, only to be left in the end anyway.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's NOT your fault, hon.  You've been done wrong.  You can't fix that.  All you can do now is to choose not to keep accepting it.  You've tried doing that by talking, and putting your foot down about what you want.  It's not working.  It's not GOING to work.  He's made that clear.  Now YOU need to get clear on protecting yourself.  Because there is only one person in your marriage that is ever going to be on your side, and it sure as hell ain't him.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (June 8, 2017 10:39 am)

Thanks for saying that, Phoenix.  I know that I in particular can come of harshly, and also very infrequently say what the poster wants to hear.

Eightsix8, No one here will ever go so far as to tell you that it cannot and never works out between people who want to make it work.  But we will always give our opinions honestly.  And most of our opinions (after being here for a while) is that we wanted it to work too, and we couldn't make it work.  More often than not, it was because our spouses were not completely honest with us (or themselves).  I'm not sure what a couple would look like who I thought could make it work.  I'm not sure I've ever seen a situation here and thought, "yep - that's the one that can make it work."  It would take the stars aligning in a way that I think is practically impossible.  It would take two people who don't mind their partner sleeping with others.  AND it would take them already being very satisfied with their sex life with each other.  The big problem for me is that if one partner is saying that they need to go outside the marriage to be satisfied, then I'm not so sure they are concerned enough with their partner in the first place enough to make it work.

I think there are people out there that could certainly enter into a relationship with the parameters being an open relationship.  It would still take a certain kind of people.  But to enter under the parameters of monogamy and then change it up seems...... impossible.  It seems like to make it work, the partner who seeks monogamy would give up what they wanted so that their partner could be happy.  To me, it's not unlike those identical twins that happen every once in a while - where one fetus is stealing the blood from the other.  The little one is shrinking away, while the other one has so much blood that his heart is going to give out.  The only way they can possibly survive is to pull them out of their environment so that the issue doesn't pass critical and go to fatal.  Until they are disconnected, neither of them will survive if things continued on that way.

I know you're hurting.  I know you want to hear that this can work.  I know you want hope.  I understand that it's disheartening to get slapped with reality when you want something else altogether.  I'm sorry.

Kel

Duped - 
You also can't tell anyone to leave or dictate what comments can be here.

Website owner only. 

Duped wrote:

You can make it stop. Leave. You can't live with those comments. I'm sorry.

Last edited by Judy (June 9, 2017 5:15 am)