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June 6, 2017 11:02 am  #1

I'm left with little to motivate me...

OK...  my story; (reposted from the "support" section)

I was married once and divorced when I was much younger.  I have two children, now adults from the first marriage which was to a straight and probably nuts woman.  No judgement, that was a long time ago and we were both young.

I was raising my children with the help of my parents, who were great, when one of my best friends moved to a town somewhat farther away and I started going there to hang out and party with him.  Well, that's when I met my current wife.  When we met, we had a connection, though I think we'd both say she liked me a bit more, as I wasn't really looking for anyone at the time.  Well, eventually, she wore me down and we started dating.  Early on in this period, she told me that she was bisexual, and told me about a few of the experiences she had had and at the time, that seemed pretty cool, to be honest, though I no longer think of that as a good sign when starting a relationship.  However, she was so loving and into me, and of course the sex was awesome.  It makes me tear up to think of the past with her, of course.  Eventually, we decided she should move in with me, so I bought a new place for her and my kids and we lived together for almost 12 years.  

During that time, we had one breakup which I think of as my fault, because I was acting irresponsibly and I straightened out, got a promotion at work and after we got back together, everything was great.   She got pregnant once and miscarried which made us both very sad, but in the long run, I now think it was for the best.  

Finally, we were planning a trip and I asked her if she wanted to go ahead and tie the knot while on vacation and she said yes.  It was a great trip and I think we were both really happy and we were planning our futures together.  

Well, four more years went by and a lesbian couple broke up that we had been close friends with for a long time.  Both of us supported one of these women, whom had been our friend a long time and we spent a lot of time with her, because she was so depressed over the situation.  One fateful night, all three of us had gone out and had a bit too much to drink and when we got back to our house, one thing led to another and the three of us ended up in bed together.  First time this had happened, but I thought it was great at the time.  

Unfortunately, it was not long after this that my wife told me that she had fallen in love with this friend.  I was shocked and we spent hours taking about it and crying.  My wife suggested polyamory, which, for anyone that doesn't know, is having more than two people in a relationship, and loving her and at the least liking the other friend, I was willing to give it a go.  We did this for about a year.  Unfortunately for me, I was the only one that read the literature on it, and I would talk to them about the things you were supposed to do to make a relationship like that work and I worked on my feelings of jealousy when she was with her and not me, and just made a hell of an effort.  They both thought I was being a jerk for not just letting things happen naturally.  Finally, the three of us took a vacation together and had an alright time, but by the end of it, it led to my wife and I getting into one of the only fights we've ever had, because, of course, she was giving her so much more attention and sex than me and wasn't even willing to try and change things...  It didn't end quite yet, I was on an emotional roller-coaster of her saying she loved us both and not being able to give me up and I really didn't want to lose her, etc.  It probably went on a few months, but it seemed like years and eventually, she told me she had decided she was fully a lesbian and she decided to leave for good.

Keep in mind, I had pretty much decided that we were married for life, and she had always said the same thing.  My kids had both moved out of the house and I thought we were at the point in life where we could actually do all the things we had always wanted to do and it all crashed down around me.  Suddenly, I was a young middle aged man with no discernible future...  I was left reeling.  Along with that, I felt that my lover and best friend in the world had rejected me and left me with very little support.  Isn't it strange when you are hurting and the person you want to go to for support is the only person you really can't go to?

I think the lesbian friend actually felt too guilty over the situation to be with my wife after we split up and she actually broke up with my wife.  This left the wife very sad and she once asked me to take her back.  It was so hard but I told her that if she was really a lesbian, I just couldn't do it.  Not after what she had already put me through.  

Around this same time, the company I worked for was purchased by another larger company and actually hinted to me that I was going to get a promotion...  not related to events here, but it comes into play later in my story.

Well, I've been working on scaling down the crap I have in the house and packing up anything of hers I find into boxes that she will be welcomed to take if she wants.  We still talked, working on our financial situation and we even got intimate a few times, which is probably wrong, but it can be hard to say no, you know?

I was doing fair at this point and then, all of a sudden, the old friend of ours and she got back together.  I guess enough time had passed.  Since, the wife has rarely talked to me at all.  The two of them always go to one of the places where everyone I know likes to hang out, but I avoid it because seeing them there is very difficult for me.

The final, I hope, nail in my coffin came a few short months ago when the company that took over my old company decided that they were going to go in a different direction and downsized me.  Ain't that a kick in the head?

So now, I'm a middle aged unemployed man whose wife left him for another woman that I thought was a friend.

Just a year and a half earlier, I was doing great, I was financially stable, had a wife I loved and thought loved me and was making plans for our shared future.

At this point, I have my two kids, though they are adults and one granddaughter that I love very much, but they really don't need me.  All I have is this big house, I probably can no longer afford, which is full of memories of my former wife whom I actually still love.  I'm feeling very unmotivated and I'm not sure how to break myself out of the pattern I'm in.  I guess you might have understood this, but right now, I feel that almost everything I had in life has been stripped away from me.

Sometimes I think about dating, because I miss having a woman around, but will it just be because I'm sad?  Is that fair to another woman?  I'm actually not sure I'd even know where to start after so many years with one person.  Probably not, but who knows what things might lead to?  I know I need to get myself in gear, but it's so damn hard.  Plus being without a job isn't great for dating either.

My mother is still around, but I just don't feel I can talk to her about this.  My father has passed on.

Any advice would be welcome, as I'm at a loss.

Thanks for reading.  Sorry it was so long, and probably poorly written, but I had to get it out.


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