Mlchelel,

What are you hoping to get out of the confrontation? Are you wanting an explanation of what's really been happening? Unfortunately, you are not likely to get one. Not a truthful one, anyway. You will get an explanation, but he's been effectively lying to you for years. What would make you think his explanation is to be believed? If you get an explanation, it'll be something like "I was just looking". Nope, you know otherwise. "I was just curious". Seems like you were habitually curious - aka CHEATING - for YEARS. "I think I'm bi". Well, you're MARRIED. What difference does it make?!? You are not going to hear the truth. Which is "I'm gay, I'm cheating, and I was hoping that you'd never find out" If you see tears and proclamations of love, then he's got those acting skills honed after years of lying to you. If he says he wants to stay married, that's no surprise - of course that's what he wants - he's been ensuring that for years now with ask the deceit and lying. He wants to stay married because he doesn't want to admit that he's gay. That's what this whole thing is about. He's gay, which isn't compatible with you (who is straight), but he likes his cover. That's the whole explanation.

If you want to confront him because you're mad as hell and you want to unleash on him, well, then by all means - have at it.  You're entitled to it. And you're right. No explanation for why he's done what he's done is going to change the fact that he's been untruthful and deceitful to you. That shows a complete lack of respect and love for you. No amount of "but I REALLY wanted to" is a good excuse for what he's done to you. He gave away something that he promised to you and ONLY you. No one held a gun to his head and told him to choose between his cheating on you or his child's life. He chose himSELF. He chose his own fulfillment over you - over your feelings and self-worth and dignity.

If you confronting him is about letting him know that you are DONE and he needs to get the f*ck OUT, then go ahead. Just make sure he doesn't leave with every piece of banking information, leaving you cripled. Which is why others are telling you to get your team together. I do know though that if you are mad as hell and just can't have him in your home one.more.day, then that can be very difficult to do. Just do what you feel most led to do.  Personally, once I found some evidence of wrongdoing, I was all about confronting him. Because I wasn't about to live one.freakin'.day as if evening was fine. He didn't get the loud, yelling me. He got the quiet, intense me that scares the crap out of anyone who is used to a loud, animated yeller.

I'm really sorry you're in this position. What he's done is unforgivable. I very much understand your fear about opening this door. But I'm hoping that what you're afraid of is the confusing work of life changes, not HIS reaction. You have every right to be angry, hurt, and upset - enraged, even. You don't have to be accepting and gentle and understanding. Fuck that static. Don't let him take your right to anger from you. Use your anger to push through the fear.

Wishing you the best -

Kel

Michelel


Good initial advice from kel and Co here.

Having gone through I can say I did not believe them in the beginning...ie..  my wife ..she wouldn't do that to me..

But kel and Co were so so right.
I found all the horrible evidence  of her gay affair.  But I also found evidence of;
A bank account
Lawyer visits
Looking at houses
Cancelled me off all her life insurance.

So I had no problem getting my team together..

Confronting her she was like show me your evidence.  That was all the answer I needed.

Look on her face when she wanted to serve me divorce papers and asked if I had a lawyer...priceless.

Listen to the folks here..dont confront..get your info and team together...plot and plan..your husband has no problem plotting and planning against you.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Opening the door is scary as hell and there will be days you wish you hadn't. But in the end, it's the only thing to do. I'm almost a year out and it took me until 9 months in to see the light, but it came back. And I'm so glad I'm not living a lie any more. I have three kids, am a SAHM mom looking for a job because of this, going through the divorce, and will lose my home and probably my car. But at this point, as much as I've grieved and will continue to, I'd rather go through all this than not know or live in his closet. 

You can do this. Hang in there. Keep coming back here. It's a lifeline. Best wishes to you and your kiddos.

Thank you everyone for all of your advise. Ultimately, I could not wait any longer to talk with my husband and we spoke yesterday. I didn't ask him I just told him that I knew. He didn't deny, which was good, just said he's tried to resist but cannot. I'm sure you'll all be shocked to know that he doesn't want to divorce but he didn't say that he'd stop TGT either so .....he's not ready to admit to anyone else so it's very isolating for me. I've told my best friend he's cheated on me but not with a man, just implied it was with a woman. That's been helpful but I feel like I'm deceiving her. The thing is I'm  surprisingly calm about the whole thing. I'm not ridiculously angry, in some ways that would be easier. Still feel like my husband actually loves me, he's just gay and cannot come out of the closet. If anything I feel sorry for him. Not sure if this is all just a phase and eventually I'll be furious but for now we are kind of in a holding pattern. I told him I don't know what we can do, financially this is like THE WORST time in our financially challenging marriage for this to come into the light. Anyway, just wanted to post an update, thank you to all who responded directly to this post and even those that posted elsewhere, I've been reading a lot and it ALL  helps