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Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:56 pm)

I'm going through something similar right now and my advice is to tell people the entire TRUTH.  One of the things that has really pissed me off about this whole thing is that my exwife is telling our mutual friends that we grew apart and decided to go our separate ways.  The truth is that she left because she decided that she was gay.  My opinion is that she's got to own it.  I'm not going to live in her closet and neither should your for your ex.

My other thought is that you need to have no contact with your ex.  I'm working on this too and its hard.  My divorce was final a few weeks ago and we are finishing all of the mundane parts of separation right now.  I know she "hopes and prays" that I will let her be a part of my life but right now its just to hard and the fact that she won't be honest about what happened makes it all the more difficult. 

This is a really difficult battle when the spouse won't admit that they're gay.  After all, they will tell everyone that THEY wanted to stay married, which means that WE gave up on the marriage.  And it's hard to be the one seen as throwing in the towel when that's the furthest thing from what actually happened.  We don't throw in the towel until we see that it's futile to keep spinning our wheels.

The thing is..... we only get somewhere when we stop caring about whether everyone feels it's our fault.  It's crazy hard to do.  But we need to get to the point where someone telling us that we think we're perfect isn't as detrimental to us as having some daily peace from this monster.  You need to get to the point where you're like, "If you need to make me the monster, then so be it.  I can live with that over the alternative of staying."

I have a 16 year-old that likes to lie to me in a sneaky way (the same way our gay spouses do) - about what's going on inside his head.  He'll pick fights with his sister, and in the end, it always comes down to "I didn't hear her", or "I didn't know she didn't think it was funny".  He knew PERFECTLY WELL.  But he knows that can't be proven.  It's not a reason (the reason was that he doesn't respect her) - it's an excuse so he won't get in trouble for behaving like an asshole.  He has lied to me all the time about lots of things that ARE provable.  I therefore have NO.REASON to have good faith in him.  When he gives me a bullshit excuse, I say "You know what?  I don't believe that.  You were sitting in-between your sister and I.  Iiiii heard her, and I am hard of hearing.  There is NO.WAY you didn't hear her.".  He'll say something to make me look like Iiiii the issue - that having no faith in his good word is the issue.  Like, "I'm sorry if you don't believe the truth."  Okay dude - whatever.  You're full of shit about this issue, and trying to get me to take the bait on "the truth" isn't working any more.  We have GOT to be more willing to do this.  We can do it with our children no problem - because we know how they work and the reality of the situation combined with their past.  But we can't do that to a SPOUSE?  WE need to continue having faith when they've destroyed that?  I cry foul.

People who have destroyed our trust should have NO.PROBLEM giving us time to gain that trust back.  Every once in a while my current husband will not believe something I'm telling him.  And I say, "WHY are you not believing me about what I think?  Do I LIE to you???" And he says no.  "Okay - then WHY do I need to earn your trust?  You should have blind trust at this point - we've been together over 5 years and I've NEVER lied to you.  I'm not going to continue to justify to you that I'm not lying.  You either believe me or you don't.  Your choice."  It's not a threat - it's the truth.  But of course every once in a while you feel that someone's explanation of something just can't possibly be the truth - because you would never think the way they're saying that they're thinking.  I get that.  But that's where the track record comes in.  If they have earned distrust, then you have EVERY.RIGHT to say that yes - they've lied to you so much that they've destroyed the good faith required at this moment to believe what they're saying.

I have a daughter who as a young teenager, also has pulled her fair share of lies on me.  She's working much harder now on not doing that any more.  But I still don't have complete faith.  Every once in a while she'll be insulted that I want to check up on the truth.  "Did you clean your room?"  "Yes."  "Okay,... let's go see together."  "WHY, Mom?  I SAID I cleaned it!"  "Are you serious?  You've lied about this exact thing a TON of times before.  If it's clean, then you should have NO.PROBLEM showing me.  Don't put this lack of faith on me - YOU built this."

Stop deciding that people get to determine who you are.  YOU get to decide that.  They can make their judgements if they want.  That's not going to stop you from being your own advocate.  It is only with ourselves that we do this.  If we needed to stand up on our child's behalf and someone tried to intimidate us by calling us a helicopter parent, we wouldn't care.  "I don't give a shit if that's the nickname I earn or not.  I NEED to stand by my kid on this."  Right or wrong, we're willing to be labeled in order to do what we think is necessary.  It is only with ourselves that we lack this determination.  We need to get over that.

Kel

So many great responses in this thread. Yes, it is horrible when they refuse to come out and instead resort to making themselves out to be the poor innocent victim to anyone who will listen. My GiD STBXhusband is a master of using the DARVO strategy: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Order. The man had been having an 8-year long distance affair with a "best guy friend" and colleague of his who was also married to a SAHM with kids... then suddenly the husbands wanted to move both of our families to a far flung region of the country and take a new job together... which made no financial sense at all.... they started sneaking out to be together... changing privacy settings on the phone... mine stopped having sex with me... Two months to the day after arriving my husband walked out on me and the kids and sued me for divorce. They are still keeping it under wraps, though my husband is starting to socialize in the local gay community. The gaslighting never ends for some.

I told a select few (per my lawyer's advice not to broadcast my suspicions yet) and I lost a few (false) friends but gained sanity and the knowledge of who my real and true friends are. It's a real mind f*ck.

You have to let certain people go. Some people just cannot handle the truth. Love only those who love and support you. Denial is a powerful force for far too many people in life. I have no time for folks who can't handle the truth. Hang in there, all of us.