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1 of 1- disbelief426
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Moving On
So I have been stalking this website for close to 6 months. It has proven invaluably helpful as I navigate coming to terms with my husbands sexuality. My husband told me last summer that he was bisexual. He admitted this finally after I confronted him. Months prior to his disclosure our marriage was in crisis. Our sex life was horrible. He was never able to get erect and never initiated sex. We had been married approximately 5 years when this started to occur. He began staying out late, losing weight, picking out his outfits on Pinterest, working out excessively, and taking diet pills. He resorted to sleeping on the couch and while I attempted to seduce him several times, he never wanted to participate. He finally told me it was him and not me and that he should have never gotten married because he wasn't the "marrying type". For months, he slept on the couch, worked, came home late and when I would ask if he had made a decision he told he me "no." I finally starting seeing a therapist who suggested he was gay. I must admit I had asked him before because our sex life was so bad and he vehemently denied it. But the next morning, as I sat on the edge of the couch, he told he was bisexual. He also told me that his father knew because he was caught looking at gay porn on his dad's computer in college. I immediately filed for divorce and began intensive therapy. He is still in the closet to everyone else in his family and his friends. And I suspect if he hasn't already done so, he will try to date another female. The thought of him carrying on this charade with other female drives me insane. I think people think its me. That I wasn't good enough, and I just want to scream the truth to all of the world. But then part of me, deep down, thinks it is me. Maybe I wasn't enough. I don't know -I'm just still in a state of disbelief at times and wishing this was not my reality.. The few friends I have confided in, gay and straight, tell me their "gaydar" never went off. I've even had a few people ask if he is telling the truth. But I know that at the minimum he is bisexual. i I have good days and bad days. And today is bad day....filled with disbelief. Any advice on how to deal with him dating another woman. Advice for moving on. Advice for how to coparent. i just need advice.
Last edited by disbelief426 (May 21, 2017 9:01 pm)
- iamthelorax
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Re: Moving On
I don't know what kind of advice I can offer other than just explaining how I deal with it. I built a wall between my ex and I that would make Donald Trump jealous. I don't answer 75% of her texts and I answer less than that of her phone calls. I also make sure she feels as unwelcome near my home as I can and I've made my opinion of her and her home-wrecking side-chick clear as glass.
It's also how I co parent. I don't let the kids disrespect her and I make sure they have a mother's day present for her. Other than that, she may as well be a mannequin in another city.
It takes a looooong time to get this out of your system. Whatever you do, make sure you do it for yourself and your children and no one else. Be prepared to make stupid mistakes and forgive yourself for them as much as you can.
Really sorry you're going through this.
Last edited by iamthelorax (May 21, 2017 10:09 pm)
- Shari
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Re: Moving On
Disbelief,
Welcome to the club that none of us want to belong to. Advice? Find a way to focus on you. Try to remember what you enjoy doing and make it a point to do it, even if you don't feel like going.
I promise, even if your ex finds someone new to hide behind, this is not YOU!! When I told my adult daughter that I didn't want to lose my GIDH, she said, "why not? Let someone else deal with his crazy."
I give you kudos for deciding so quickly what is right for you (divorce). It sounds like you're questioning your choice. Disbelief, if I could be so strong to be able to walk away and start dealing with moving on, I would. I can't get past the whole, "I don't care what he is or does, I love him and don't want to lose him.". It really isn't a good or healthy way to live if the SSA partner is in denial and not giving honesty to the relationship. So, the way I see it, you are grieving your loss but in a better place.
Oh, and far as others thinking its your fault? Fuck that!! You can tell your truth if you choose or can tell anyone to kiss your ass. 
.
Good luck. Please post anytime, on any good or bad day. There are so many of us who totally understand the roller coaster of emotions you're going through.
Hugs!!
- Rob
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Re: Moving On
Disbelief,
First I want to give a thumbs up to lorax's reply; ..." I built a wall between my ex and I that would make Donald Trump jealous. I don't answer 75% of her texts and I answer less than that of her phone calls. I also make sure she feels as unwelcome near my home .."
This is not even unchristian..you would not welcome a robber or murderer into your home ...why too should we let these spouses hurt us anymore.
FIRST; I see you have some doubt...it's not you..you didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with you. My ex is angry at me to this day but I didn't cheat and I could not have treated a woman any better.
In regards to moving on... we try to move on the best we can by practicing self care, self compassion, and fierce love for our kids. It's bizarre life I lead now..but ok..it's taking a while to get used to it...but I take care of my kids when I have them, seek out family and friends (and things to do) when I can...and when it's just me enjoy the solace and peace.
You cannot control what your ex does and the best thing you can do is reduce his significance in your life to where it should be...which is that of useful enemy or a bug on the ground. Really I try to find some "use for" my ex..she can take my kid to practice or do something else for my kids. She can shop for the kids (good at that). Otherwise I have no use for her and kind of question her existence...what does she do but take money from me and scream at the kids (instead of me now). My inlaws still see my kids and she is related to them..so there is a use there...
We move on and come back to reality...I hear there are good authentic people there.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Foolme
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Re: Moving On
disbelief426, sorry you find yourself here, it's not where any of us would chose! Having read posts over the last 6 months I'm sure you've read that usually being "BI" is only the gateway to being fully gay, it's as if they're being gentle to us or them, probably more so themselves! It's all just justifying the choices they made over the years!
I'm sure it'd be very hard to see him with another female but as Shari says her daughter said let someone else deal with his crazy. In all honesty do you really want to still be there with all the problems you had?
I figure the only thing better than being where I am now is if I was still back there no nothing the why for so many things, not knowing the depth of his deceit etc. That's what keeps me moving forward, better than moving back, not that that was ever an option for me or open to me.
My advice is to go with your gut, trust yourself. Put yourself first (and your kids of course, but you over him), take good care of yourself and keep posting X
Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
- edithkeeler
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Re: Moving On
First of all, brava for filing for divorce and not wasting any more of your life on a losing marital struggle. You have a lot of clarity and strength that will continue to serve you well.
If your GiD husband feels the need to find another Beard in order to stay deeply closeted and protect his image, let him. It's beyond our control what these liars choose to do. The way I've handled this in talking about my own divorce to a select few close family/friends is to say "He is a user. You know I have proof he is gay but he just won't admit it, so if things don't work out between him and the man he cheated on me with I could TOTALLY see him eventually tricking another woman into marrying him. I understand there are some folks out there who would be perfectly fine with that type of arrangement-- not me! Let's just hope whoever it is he or she is a good man or woman and is kind to my babies."
I've also said "You know, I could have handled his truth if he had chosen to do the right thing and come out to me. I'm a modern lady and I'm totally cool with someone being gay. I would have given him an amicable divorce and lots of time with the kids. But for whatever reason, he still wants to stay in the closet and sling the mud at me. I know he has a lot of demons and it's not personal. Most people see right through it and worry about him."
Hope that helps a little bit.
Be awesome & stay positive