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May 15, 2017 9:26 pm  #11

Re: I need some guidance

Elizabeth - you make a perfect point.  You say these are "questions you're 'still wondering' about".  And this is exactly why my name is still wondering!!  I'm 4+ years post divorce, about 6+ years post separation, and about, idk something like 10 or 11 years post discovering this mess.  And yet, I'm "still wondering" just because I'll never know the full truth and I will always want to know.  My ex will lie until the day he dies apparently.  And he's currently still dating women.  My point is that I don't want you to be me.  I don't want you to be 44 and still wondering if J is gay or if he's cheating or if he has ever contacted any of the people he's chatting with.  And my point is also that he will NEVER tell you.  Maybe one out of every 100 of us gets the truth.   Usually it's after they've been caught cheating and then many times, not even then.  Rarely does someone just come up to you and say: here's the truth, I want to _____ (cross dress, have sex with men, etc.).  You will waste your life wondering about this until and unless he decides to be honest.  The fact that you haven't even known him a year and he's already keeping stuff from you is not a good sign. 

I'll tell you another story about me (you're probably thinking oh Lord, make it stop) - After I separated from my gay in denial ex, I met the man I thought was the love of my life.  We were introduced by a mutual friend because she thought we were so much alike.  We were.  We thought alike, said the same things, made the same jokes, could communicate with just a glance.  Long story short, he turned out to be a complete nut case.  But before I knew that, all I knew is that he broke up with me.  I was heart broken, I mean like the kind of heart broken where you can't even eat.  The hurt was compounded by the fact that I was thanking God that I had been so lucky to meet the "real" love of my life after losing the future I thought I had with my ex, my home, and everything I knew. I, like you, would have taken anything he would have offered at that point.  One day a week?  Great, I'm ok with that.  A hour, ok I'll make it work.  A glance, sure!  Only after I forced myself to put distance between me and him I did finally wake up and see the reality of the situation which was that he was a complete nut bag.  He still tries to pop up from time to time to see if I'm still interested.  I don't even answer his texts or emails anymore.  He's gross to me now.  Distance opened my eyes.  I was almost sucked in by a narcissist.  Where he backfired was initiating a break up and trying to reel me back in.  In his attempt to make me sad and think I couldn't live without him he actually pissed me off and in my anger I saw who he really was.  Lily and Duped are right - find your anger.

Remember this - once you see the truth you will never be blinded by him again.  But you have to distance yourself to see it.  You have to allow yourself to see it.  The reason I know you haven't waited long enough or had enough distance is because you haven't even known him as long as I'd tell you to keep up the distance.  In other words, I mean no contact for a year before you could even consider a platonic friendship. 

It doesn't matter if he's gay or straight.  It matters that he's being dishonest.  You deserve better. 


May 17, 2017 2:10 pm  #12

Re: I need some guidance

Thank you Phoenix & Still Wondering, I am mulling over what you have said and advised. Thank you very much for your words of wisdom.

     Thread Starter

May 17, 2017 3:05 pm  #13

Re: I need some guidance

Hi Elizabeth,

When you found the communications he was actively having with others, were the two of you supposed to be exclusive?  If so, then STOP trying to figure out his true sexuality, and instead, see that he is a cheater.  You don't need to be with someone who can't keep his eyes on you.  You don't need to be with someone that makes you wonder how he feels about you - where your place is in the mix of things.  You do not need to create a family with someone who has all these issues.  You are in the very beginning of the relationship, and you've bumped into LOTS of problems.  That means you're not a match.  It can be difficult to know when to throw in the towel on a relationship - I've had this issue in the past myself.  You worry that maybe they're the best person you'll ever get - THE "one".  And that if you don't become more understanding, accepting and forgiving, you'll lose what you DO have.  I've been there.  I had one major / long-term relationship that I just kept going back to.  I had a marriage that I kept sticking out (not to the same person), and I have LOTS of dating under my belt.  And now I have left my gay-in-denial husband and remarried.  And what I can tell you from all of my experience and hard-fought wisdom is...... IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS DIFFICULT.

I have a great relationship now, and I know exactly - every moment of the day - how he feels about me.  He shows me through every.single.action that he cherishes me.  He NEVER leaves me wondering if he finds me attractive.  He puts me before him.  He would protect me with his very life.  Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.  If he's looking at others while in a relationship with you, communicating with them, etc., you are NOT their priority.  Either that or they don't know how to make you one.  Either way it's the same result - you not having them heart and soul.

Back away from this scenario.  Get him OUT of your life.  Do NOT let him sleep over any longer.  All you're doing is confusing yourself.  HE isn't confused - he's been chasing his bliss this whole time, and he isn't exactly jumping at the chance to be intimate with you.  You have every answer you need.  You just think that because you feel so strongly that maybe he IS the one.  He's NOT, hon.  He's an option, and not a good one.  Not for you.  Not for someone straight who wants faithfulness.

Go no contact.  Tell him that being around him is only confusing you.  Ask him not to contact you.  You will not find something good to grab onto if your hands are already full of something you're just wasting your time on.  Go out and look again.  He's out there.  And this guy isn't him.

Best to you -


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

May 28, 2017 5:00 am  #14

Re: I need some guidance

Last night I looked through his phone and saw messages between him and a "pro". He met up with this person on the 23rd.
How can someone lay next to one person and claim they love them while having sex other people.
He's gone through with it. "Finally".
Though we are not "together" or having sex, we still snuggle at night and live together. Since we are "platonic" and I need him to still be here financially, I am going to ask that he start sleeping in his room (instead of with me).
He knows I have a date coming up, and doesn't care... so, I am going.

I *still* want to be his friend (especially since we still live together)... which sounds so messed up. But, I need to start making steps to at the very least end the confusion in my head and my heart.
I want him to come back to me. But, this is a line we cannot uncross. He's officially slept with someone else, and, a hooker no less. Probably unprotected. Which is ... disgusting. It makes my stomach churn, hurts my heart and makes me want to coil away from him.

Last edited by ElizabethAllen (May 28, 2017 5:07 am)

     Thread Starter

May 28, 2017 6:24 am  #15

Re: I need some guidance

He moved in with you so it is YOUR home. Don't "ask" him to sleep in his own room: either TELL him to or, better yet, TELL him to move out.  You are not going to be able to get over him until he is physically gone. If you are in college contact the housing office if you need a someone to share expenses and they probably will have some women who would suit.

Colleges also have counseling services and that may be a good place to find a counselor . Rather than trying to figure out how he can "lay next to one person and claim they love them while having sex with other people" you need to figure out why you "still want to be his friend". I think there is something within you that keeps you in a relationship even though it is not healthy for you and until you are able to discover it and address it you likely will continue to be taken advantage of. He may not have been the first and he may not be the last.

Rather than going on dates try to involve yourself in group activities or with female friends while focusing on acquiring self-knowledge. I used to say of a woman I knew who had a string of failed relationships "She never found herself: she always found someone else."  Please don't be her.

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

May 28, 2017 7:28 am  #16

Re: I need some guidance

Please ask him to leave YOUR house, you are putting your health at risk. And Abby is right, you don't need a rebound relationship right now, focus on yourself.


May 28, 2017 9:29 am  #17

Re: I need some guidance

Abby, I am in a community college, so, that could be anyone.
I am comfortable enough to tell him to sleep in the other room... and we haven't technically been together for since March.

He did move out after our breakup. And we wanted to still be friends... Because we do.
When he moved back in, it was never intended as a "we are getting back together", but rather recognizing that we are most comfortable around each other. I do need someone else here with me. And I do want it to be him. That may sound unhealthy, but, I think that with boundaries, it can be very healthy.

I trust him. Not sexually, but, we aren't having sex, so... I am not at risk in that way.

I have gone on several dates, which he knows about. One of the reasons that I am sure that he doesn't care is because he is closeted. I have become his beard.
And honestly, he became mine. I don't want to be single anymore.
I have been thinking about getting into therapy also. I don't want to not know him, but I need to set boundaries and learn how to move on from him in a way that I am comfortable with.

     Thread Starter

June 1, 2017 10:55 am  #18

Re: I need some guidance

Hi Eliizabeth,

There is so much similarity in our stories. I struggle nearly every minute thinking about how much I used to value my relationship. And then to have the parameters of that change out of the blue, after your hearts and your lives are intertwined. The memories are haunting. Even now, it is hard for me to envision a future without him. I fantasize about these alternative ways of living - that we will be the best of friends but not be intimate. That we will still hang out and talk frequently even though we’re no longer married. I have this one fantasy where he gets all of this ‘out of his system’ and comes back to me, ready to pick up where we left off. We are both in our 40s. From what I’ve heard it’s likely to escalate.

I second guess myself all the time asking can I deal with this one issue since everything else is really great? 

I find it interesting that a lot of men in these situations identify as bi-polar or even schizophrenic. I am in no way qualified to say if there's a correlation or which causes which. Is being bi-polar and depressed the result of the gender-identify crisis, or vice versa? My husband has been diagnosed bi-polar. I discovered that the particular medication he was taking often gets prescribed in higher dosages to individuals suffering from schizophrenia, multiple personalities, etc. It is interesting to consider these mental diagnoses in light of the cross-dressing and gender dysphoric behavior. I would honestly find this all sort of fascinating from a socially scientific perspective were it not responsible for destroying my happiness.  

Sometimes I wish these people would take a break from browsing for porn and hookups and read sites like this for a change. To see the genuine heartbreak endured by the SOs who are thrust into a world that they never knew existed. I have become more well-versed in autogynephilia and tranvestic fetishism than I ever wanted to. I am sorry you have had to experience this. So truly sorry. Whatever decision you make, I hope you can find a way through this and achieve the happiness you rightly deserve.

Last edited by Sugar Magnolia (June 1, 2017 10:58 am)


June 13, 2017 4:59 pm  #19

Re: I need some guidance

No, living with someone after you break up cannot be healthy.  The only way that could work is if you BOTH decided that neither of you had any feelings beyond friendship, so it should go back to being that.  If those feelings ever crossed from friendship into more, then no - it can't go backwards.

You need to get away from this guy.  He's getting allllll his needs met; he's paying someone for the sex he wants, and he's getting companionship and cuddling from you.  What are YOU getting???  Is that all you ever want? A gay man who will cuddle with you?  You deserve the whole kit and kaboodle.  And you can't grab onto it if your hands are already full of gay.  Let go and move on.  He's never going to be to you what you need him to be.  Sticking around past the point where that's obvious means you either have a lack of belief in that, or that you don't think you're deserving or capable of obtaining more.  Neither is true.  Go find something real.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

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