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May 15, 2017 12:03 pm  #1

I need some guidance

I met J in one of my college courses in college last Fall. 
He's 26, I am 33. I didn't think that anything would happen with us because of his age, but, it did. He moved in with me and things seemed good. I fell for him, hard. 
We had sex, and honestly, it's some of the best sex I have ever had. It's like he was made just for me. 
We were together for 6 months... he told me that he is bi-polar, but, not diagnosed. He is easily irritated and wants to just escape at times.... me, his life, us. 
After 6 months I looked in his phone and his computer. I found conversations between him and every type of person: female, men, transgender and/or cross-dressers.  
He swears that he never actually cheated. But, we broke up and have maintained a friendship. 
I still feel like he is "my person". He makes me laugh all the time, and I am still in love with him. I want to work things out and I still am in the belief that he will come back to me. 
When I asked him if he was gay, he said that he only entertained men because they were "easier". My thought though is that if you're willing to have sex with a man...you're gay.

Recently, he stayed with me for two weeks at my home, we slept together every night but the first night. 
He makes plans for our future, and I do too. 
He's even made comments about us having kids together. 
He gets hard around me, and in his sleep when we snuggle, which we do.. However we haven't had sex since we broke up. 
He went out with a female friend that he lost his virginity to and swore that nothing would happen with her, that nothing did happen with her. And, I believe him. 
However, I did look at his phone and found exchanges between him and various other people. He does like black girls (people?) and has almost a fetish for them. That being said, he has told me that none of those encounters in the pas have come to fruition. 
In the newest time of me looking at his phone there were attempts made by him to have sexual encounters with people (what kind of people, I am not sure).

He told me that he did have one sexual encounter with a man and that he didn't like it. That the guy went down on him. 

Some of the people he has exchanges with are "pros"... which is concerning. 

I know this is probably really piecy, but, I am just trying to find footing in all this... Help?

Last edited by ElizabethAllen (May 15, 2017 12:05 pm)


May 15, 2017 12:23 pm  #2

Re: I need some guidance


Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:49 pm)


May 15, 2017 12:55 pm  #3

Re: I need some guidance


We aren't together.. But it does seem like we are in some ways for sure. Especially since he has been here most nights for the last three weeks.
I don't want to lose him, or what we have. I wish that he would be honest with me. 
I have started a journal that is basically letters to him and I leave it in plain sight hoping that he will find it and read it, however, I don't admit to losing through his devices. 

I am curious if there are people/couples in this situation that have/are/can make a relationship work in this situation. 
Honestly, I haven't ever wanted kids until I met him and we had a relationship. 
And no, I wouldn't want to have children with him in this uncertain circumstance. However, I am sitting here thinking that no circumstance is perfectly certain. Look how many of us are here. 
If I knew where I stood with him, I don't know... 
The fact of the matter is that I haven't ever wanted kids with anyone else. And, if I were to decide to "go it alone" I would still probably have him be the donor. He would be a great Dad. He is curious about everything (no pun intended), he is smart, and kind, he is funny and he calms my spirit. Honestly, my days with him are better. I look forward to even our most platonic times together. 

We still snuggle and sleep together at night but we haven't had sex since we broke up. 
I want to, honestly. 
Last night we were asleep and he was "ready", but turned to his other side instead of snuggling with me.
I asked him why he moved and he said that he was uncomfortable. To which I replied "you don't want me to feel it?", and he said "no", when I asked why, he simply said "because". 
He could tell that I was upset this morning when I was packing his lunch for work. He asked me if I was okay, if I was mad at him, asked if i needed something and I told him that I was just tired. 
The fact of the matter is that it is hurtful to know that he would rather have sex with anyone but me. I mean, he falls asleep holding me (pretty much) every night. He still tells me he loves me, he tells me I am pretty, or that he likes how my hair looks in such-and-such way. He saves the notes I leave him... 

What is this?!


     Thread Starter

May 15, 2017 2:02 pm  #4

Re: I need some guidance

Hi Elizabeth.  Please don't waste any more precious time on this guy.  You say you don't want to lose him but you've only known him since last Fall.  You barely know him!  And you certainly don't know what he's hiding.

You say: I wish he would be honest with me.   When you have to say things like this in a relationship, something is terribly wrong.  I'm so sorry if this sounds harsh but you're old enough to know better.  You shouldn't have to wish for honesty from anyone.  There are so many red flags here I don't even know where to start. 

He has numbers of "professionals" in his phone.  It's only a matter of time before you get an STD.  Then what?  Is he worth it?  Take it from me, I got one from my ex, he's not worth it.  No one is.  You can do better.  Right now it's as if he has you under some sort of spell.  The further away you get from him, the faster it will wear off.

There are 1000 other men who will tell you that you're pretty or that your hair looks nice.  How would it feel to have one of those guys and KNOW he wasn't hiding anything, that your relationship was true and honest.   These men don't communicate with professional sex workers on their phone.  And no, he would not be a good Dad OR a good "donor".  It's hard enough to work through a normal relationship or co parent with kids and a normal Dad.  When you add bipolar, bisexual, probably gay, and talking with hookers, then you're setting these children up for a huge mess.  If you won't save yourself from this then at least save them from being born into a home like this.  I know you say you wouldn't have kids now but it sounds like you're looking for any excuse to believe the BS he's spewing which will ultimately draw you in to a relationship with this man.  And if you decide to go the donor route, let me assure you that bipolar passes from parent to child.  I have an ex step daughter whose life is miserable because she inherited her mother's bipolar disorder.  If you know in advance this is what you're dealing with, please don't take a chance and pass it along to a child.  Get him out of your house. 

At best, he is looking to try to convince himself he's not gay.  At worst he's looking for a cover and will eat your life away playing his charade.  How do we know?  Because we've all been there. 

Why do you think he turned to the other side last night?  Because now he's playing a game.  He's got you where he wants you...wanting him, wishing for him, almost willing to put up with anything if you can just have all of him.  So he plays his final card which is taking away the one last thing he holds over you, physical touch and closeness.  He's hoping his pouting game will draw you closer in.  Don't fall for this.  Please keep reading here and coming here.  It sucks right now but you can do this.  Let him go on about his life.


May 15, 2017 2:25 pm  #5

Re: I need some guidance

what is this?  in a word - gay.

Please - be grateful he is being as honest as he is with you and accept he is not attracted to you - turning away in bed speaks volumes.  From what you have said, I am guessing he is transgender or crossdresser and if you stay together, by the time he is in his 40's he'll be having hissy fits and borrowing your clothes and makeup.

I know it hurts that he doesn't want to have sex with you, you're the one he's snuggling up to but his sexual interest lies elsewhere.   Maybe it doesn't have to hurt so bad.  Could you try imagining him in a wig and make up and stealing your clothes and demanding you call him Jill?  deep down in your gut there must be a feeling for his lack of attraction.  Start wearing flannel pyjamas to bed and start thinking of him as a friend not a boyfriend.  Don't have sex with him.  Really.  You can't give an STD back, you get it for life.

If you love him let him go.  Personally I am convinced that it is the repression of sexual identity that is responsible for a lot of the depression that people suffer.  He needs to discover himself more and you need to curl up for a while.  Look after yourself.  Your time will come.  Have confidence in yourself.

wishing you all the best.  Lily


Last edited by lily (May 15, 2017 2:30 pm)


May 15, 2017 2:26 pm  #6

Re: I need some guidance

Still Wondering - 
Thank you for your words of reality. Although I disagree with some of it of course, the rest is almost what I keep telling myself. Mainly the time thing... There are people who have known my whole lifetime who I know less than I know him - and vice versa. We are deeply connected in some way, and I am having a hard time understanding what that means.... especially with all this other stuff. 

I do want to maintain a friendship with him, but there are lines being crossed and that needs to stop. 
*We are not currently having sex*.
So, I am not worried about contracting an STD at this time. In reality, anyone who isn't practice safe sex is subject to this concern. But, we aren't having sex. 
I have seen his messages to people but I do not know if those messages have become encounters. It's ultimately just a matter of time until it does, if it hasn't, I suppose.

Also, he isn't withholding physical affection. Yes, he did turn over. But, he also held me this morning like every morning, and he gave me a hug before leaving for work. Just like every other morning. I have no doubt that he'll give me a hug when he gets home. 

Maybe he is creating a separation? 
I have felt as though the time after our break up has been him "holding my hand" though it. He knows that I still love him. And I honestly believe that he still loves me. But, maybe not in the way that I love him. 
That being said, we still do things together... we do still snuggle, and he'll hold my hand. He makes plans for us - we're going to a concert together in July. 

I don't want to run from him. I just want to know where I stand, in reality. But, maybe he really just isn't attracted to me. Also even if he told me "my place" I wouldn't accept it -- I still see love in his eye when he looks at me to talks with me. Which is why I am so conflicted.
I am still wishing for honesty. I wish that he would just tell me that he was gay.... why hide it?
I've asked him and he says that he isn't.  
I'm just very confused by all of the elements going one here. 
In all honesty though... I would much rather be his beard than it be that he is still trying to convince himself that he is straight. At least then I would KNOW what was going on for sure. Because, I don't. 
Is he just a sex addict? Is he making up for lost time because he lost his virginity so late?

I guess these aren't all questions for you per say... just questions that I am *still wondering* about. 

He's the person that I have loved the most in life. I'm having a hard time thinking that I might not have that anymore, or that maybe he is my person, but that I'm not his. 


     Thread Starter

May 15, 2017 2:45 pm  #7

Re: I need some guidance

no no no, it can't be that he is your person but you not his.  If he were your person it would be reciprocal.   

You have every hope of meeting someone you can have a life with.   You will make a lovely partner for the right man.

when you are asking for honesty that is just like completely a major huge please don't go there, red flag.

Last edited by lily (May 15, 2017 2:46 pm)


May 15, 2017 3:13 pm  #8

Re: I need some guidance

Thanks, Lily.... 

I do love him, but, I can't let him go.
He's become so much more to me than just my boyfriend. Which is a problem. 
We're each other's best friends... When things happen he is the one that I want to be around, and when I am at home, I want him here. 

I've been strong enough to walk away before, to let him go enough. I've gone on dates with other people, but nothing feels right. I just want to be with him. 

I have to figure it all out. 

I guess it doesn't matter if he is straight or gay or anything else. If he doesn't want to be with me... he doesn't.

     Thread Starter

May 15, 2017 3:20 pm  #9

Re: I need some guidance


Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:49 pm)


May 15, 2017 3:42 pm  #10

Re: I need some guidance

Hi Elizabeth. 
Welcome to the group.  

If you threw aside the sexuality confusion, would you be ok with his actions?  Do you want an open relationship or marriage where he is allowed to pursue other people sexually?  Don't let the confusion over his attraction cloud the bigger issue. .  Do you require a monogamous committed relationship?   If the answer is yes, then the sooner you cut the cord and move on with your life the better it will be. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


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