River wrote:

I am going to go no contact, I know that's what I need to do.  I hear what you are saying about antidepressants, although I really don't want to take pharmaceuticals.  I have had a hard time sleeping and have gained ten pounds over the last three months.  Work is great though, it is the place that I feel the best.  I like my job and my coworkers, and I'm not alone at work unlike when I go home.  I mentioned earlier that I am blessed that I get to keep my home, although there is so much about it that reminds me of my ex-wife. 

Well maybe a pill to help sleep.   If not watch some calm relaxing videos on youtube of the rain or oceans..    I used those to get to sleep..  It is comforting just to get back to reality...waves crashing on the beach=reality,  gay spouse raging at you as if your a horrible person, father, husband =not reality..   I like how my days now , even if lonely,  are authentic and calm.  ie.. I go to work and don't have to feel guilty as if it was a bad thing.

I get it on the house too..sometimes I think those that get a clean break with a new place to live can visually see a
new beginning..   I like my home ...I've kept the decor that I liked....but its easy to look at any object as a reminder of what was...  I try to keep in my that it was my gay ex that rejected the home and our way of life.. My kids get a dad and the only home they knew..consistent, absolute, unchanging.   For now anyway that is best..  

This was not us leaving them , this was them rejecting us.    

 

Last edited by Rob (May 12, 2017 6:35 am)

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Phoenix,
   I'm sure some women do use "I've only lately developed a liking for women" as an excuse.  And yes, some women do choose a lesbian life (rather than have it chosen for them by their biology).  I don't say that to insinuate that one can "choose" a "gay lifestyle," meaning I don't side with those who castigate gay people for their sexual orientation, as if the only way we can accept homosexuality is if "they couldn't help it." For most people, our sexuality, gay or straight, is not a choice.  But for gay people it's easier to win acceptance when you focus on what is endemic (biological) than when you admit that sexuality is also for some people malleable. 
  Sorry, River, I don't mean to hijack your thread, and I certainly don't want to open up a thread debating this issue.  
 

Really -  it's a choice ?  Cynthia Nixon ( actress) made similar statements when she came out and was severely criticized for making similar comments. That is, it's not all due to biology.
 

I just took a baby step, maybe a big one.  I talked to her parents for the first time.  I wanted to know whether there was something in her past that I didn't know about, was there a clue that she was gay from before I knew her.  They told me that they were as shocked as I was to learn that she was gay, that there was nothing to indicate it.  Her mom said that she was in denial about the whole thing (she's always been a bit dramatic).  I'm feeling as bewildered as ever, and I think that this was a good conversation because I think now I can begin to accept that I'm just not going to understand what the hell is going on in my ex wife's head. 

River,

You can forgive someone without continuing to be friends with them.  BOTH are conscious decisions.  It doesn't feel that way, but it's true.  Forgiveness - to me - means that you stop clutching the pain to your breast.  It means that you stop letting it be your identity and let it become part of your history.  It means that you no longer hold active rage at the person who did you harm.  Instead, you accept it as being something that hurt, that changed you in some ways, and that didn't have to be done, but just.... was.  You do not need to understand how and why the person who hurt you did so.  You never truly would.  The fact that you are devastated over their behavior means that you expected more of them, for a number of reasons.  And those reasons make it difficult for you to understand the situation completely.  And that's okay. If you COULD understand it perfectly, that'd mean you could relate to that way of thinking.  Since you can't, it means that you aren't the type of person who would do such a thing to another person.  If you understood it enough to embrace it as a reasonable choice, your personality would be as flawed as theirs.  Since it's not, you'll never understand it.  It's a GOOD thing that you aren't broken enough to understand such abhorant behavior.

It's entirely possible to forgive someone and then decide that it's not for the best for you to keep them in your life.  Forgiveness doesn't mean that you go back to the way things were - letting them into where they can injure you again.  It just means you're exhaling and deciding to let your rage and desperate hurt float away from you.  Like letting go of that "Heart of the Ocean" necklace in the movie Titanic.  Or releasing a balloon into the sky.  Or even better - releasing one of those sky lanterns into the night.  It's burning bright when you are holding it - hot and dangerous.  But once you release it, it gets smaller and smaller, and you know it eventually burns out up there.  Before that even happens, you can't even see the small flame of light any longer.  All of the above It requires opening up your hands to stop clutching the pain and anger to you like it's your friend.  It's not.  Stop wanting to keep something that doesn't feel good.  Keeping it is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (May 16, 2017 9:33 am)

River, I'm so sorry to read about your pain.  Like you, we didn't have kids.  It's a different experience than those who do have kids.  Like you, we were great friends, we were the ideal "happy" couple.  Like you, he wanted to maintain contact and be friends.  I tried, but in the end, having him in my life was too difficult.  I had to watch him build his new, happy. life with someone else.  Though I never faulted him for that, it made moving on myself so much more difficult. 

You WILL move on.  You WILL be happy.  But, you will miss her some days.  You'll miss the days of having a partner and someone who was in it with you.  There IS something better.  

I moved out July 13, 2001.  This year marks year 16.   He didn't come out to most of our mutual friends and part of his family until 8 years after I left.  And he's still not out to some.  But that's no longer baggage for me to carry on my journey. 

Focus on what you want, without her as part of the picture.  You will get what you want.  You deserve so much more.  

Feel free to PM me anytime if you need a lifeline during this lonely long walk.  You will be ok, I promise. 

Keep posting, we all get it and we are all here for you.