Piper,

Good luck..I mean it sincerely.  In the very very beginning I would have forgiven my ex anything and taken her back.  But she became more and more horrible..didnt want the marriage. She hurt and abused me so much.  Now she represents the most evil being on the planet to me..no morals or basic human empathy.  If you put a gun to my head I would not take her back.   I am physical afraid of her and if she came near me physically I would shake in fear.   I still love her in the sense that I love the idea of the person she was.  But that person is so gone.   

Your situation confounds me so much..   what promises or repentance has he done for you?   In other words what has he done to earn your trust again?    Would he forsake all others and everything for you?  Would he die for you ?     I'm not being mean..I genuinely am curious.    I have major trust issues and my ex demonstrated such lack of authenticity and morals that I have never experienced before even in an enemy.   I am scared of people like her..


 

Last edited by Rob (May 8, 2017 9:09 am)

Piper,

What, exactly, are you "researching"? Whether you still have that special connection with your abuser???  The answer is..... IT.DOESN'T.F'ING.MATTER.  You say yourself that you consider him an emotional abuser.  WHY would you want to try to figure out a relationship with someone who has emotionally abused you???  What would you say to a friend who was doing this?  What would you tell a teenager who was behaving this way?  A daughter, niece or impressionable young woman?  Would you tell her to go ahead and go see if it feels as good as it did in the beginning of the relationship???

You are free to do whatever you want, Piper.  He is your husband.  You are an adult.  You have freedom of choice.  All that being said, you're going to get an earful from me (and likely others).  And you KNOW this.  You should, anyway.  Because what you're doing is dangerous and stupid, girlfriend.

You are NOT doing "research", Piper.  That is an excuse, hon.  I'm sorry - I know that probably makes you bristle.  I get that.  But if you're going to do something, don't lie to YOURSELF about what you're doing.  That's what our gay spouses have been doing all along, and it's why we have so many problems today.  Because they did things that they needed come up with justification for in order to make their actions okay.  And then they believed their lies so much that they were able to fool everyone around them, too.  We tell ourselves these lies because we can't bear to look straight at the truth.  And you know what the truth is in this situation, Piper?  That you're too weak to resist any love he tosses your way.  You cannot resist this man's love bombing.  You WANT him to love you - more than anything.  He can lie and deceive you for months and years.  He can emotionally abuse you.  But NONE of it matters - because you're too desperate for him to love you.  Where is your self-respect here, Piper?  Where is your self-preservation? Where is the person who says, "I love myself too much to let myself be physical with someone who I know could easily have diseases."?  Where is the person who says, "I love myself too much to open my heart again to someone who has shown that he's not only capable with trashing it, but comfortable doing so."?  Where are YOU in this, Piper?  It's like you have Stockholm syndrome or something - when we bond with our abuser.  It's like when they're not abusing us, they're..... saving us from the abuse.  They're saving us from our feeling of not being worthy.  Only THEY were the one that created that feeling in you in the first place.  SNAP OUT OF IT, PIPER!!!

If you give yourself back to this man, it should ONLY be after he's willing to openly own the abuse he's visited upon you.  Own the cheating and lying and deceiving.  THEN he would need to work on WHY he's treated you that way - what is the underlying issues that have enabled him to think that he's more important than you?  What is he doing to alter that false mindset and come to understand how he should be behaving?  And I don't mean easy answers, like "I did it because I am selfish".  Or "I did it because I am an angry person".  I mean like..... "I resent her because she seems to have it so easy - knowing who she is."  And then working on knowing who HE is.  And coming to terms with that.  NONE of this work is done quickly, Piper.  NONE of it is capable of happening in two months.  He would need to do LOTS of work - WILLINGLY - ON.HIS.OWN (not spoon fed what he needs to do).  Then he would need to win your heart back by being practically blameless in how he treats you.  In how transparent he is with you.  In how he approaches showing you that you are CHERISHED - not just...... desired.

You are making the mistake of feeling things that you felt at the beginning of the relationship, and your natural mindset is that the next step will follow - that you're falling in love all over again (and so is he).  That this is all ooey-gooey and is hitting all your buttons.  This is not a new guy you're just getting to know, though.  This is a man who has shown you his true colors.  A man who has abused you and lied to you and cheated on you.  Unless he has done lots of long and hard work on changing who he FUNDAMENTALLY is, this will NOT lead to a better place than it did the first time around.  You already KNOW this man - and he hasn't been good to you.

He's also showing you that despite him trying to love-bomb you, he has a tell - his loss of erection during the main event.  So you have a man who you know in your heart is gay, who has abused you, and who can't keep an erection for you when it comes to sex.  And you want to know if it MEANS anything?  YES.  It ALL means something.  It means he doesn't deserve you.

It's not supposed to be this hard, Piper.  I had confusion all.the.time about how my ex felt about me.  Can he see me?  Does he want me?  Does he desire me?  Am I enough for him? Are we a good match for each other?  I can tell you that NONE of that B.S. is in my current relationship with a straight husband.  We have issues - just like anyone else.  But literally NONE of them are over me wondering how he feels about me - whether he desires me or cherishes me.  EVERY.ACTION of his shows me the answer to those questions.  You cannot rely on passion as a barometer for whether this is the right person for you.  You need the whole kit and caboodle.  Nothing less will do.  And he's proven to you that he is incapable or unwilling to give that to you.

STOP communicating with him, Piper.  If you don't communicate, then you can't have sex.  If you can't have passionate sex, then you aren't re-bonding to him all the damned time WHILE trying to figure out how to proceed in the relationship.  You are literally only hurting yourself here, hon.  Be your own champion, for once.  Someone needs to be.

All my best to you -

Kel

Piper,

Wanting to be loved is a human need.  You don't need to feel ashamed that that's what you want.  Not at all.  It is not weak or pathetic.  It is at the core of our very being.

I'm suggesting to you that you are NOT being loved or accepted by him just because he's stroking your ego or touching you in a way that should be associated with love.  He has shown you through several actions that he does not love you - not in a verb sense of the word, anyway.  Love is a lot of things, but isn't lying.  It isn't greedy, selfish, or deceptive.  And it most certainly isn't abusive.  That is NOT love.  So if love is what you truly want, you can go look for it.  But you cannot and will not find it in places you've already determined that it does not live.  To do so keeps hope alive - and enables you to be repeatedly crushed.  And I.don't.want.that.for.you.

No one is perfect, or loves perfectly.  I am not saying that's what you need to look for, and accept nothing short of perfection.  But lying, deceiving and abusing is NOT "just short" of perfection.  It is the opposite of that.  You have likely been beaten down for so long now that your self-confidence is shot all to hell.  You're not secure in your own worth anymore, so how can you insist upon a high standard for how others treat your heart, right?  By pretending you're someone else for a bit.  Fake it 'till ya make it, sister.  Pretend that you're your best friend.  Or your sister.  Or daughter / niece / lovely young woman you know.  Protect yourself at LEAST as hard as you would them.  Insist that you don't need a man bad enough to settle for a bad one.  Don't treat yourself any differently than you would those other girls.  You'd want this for them, too - for them to know their worth and insist that they are treated well.

You are a child of God, Piper.  YOU were made by the Master who created the universe.  By the individual who created time and space and hope and love and sunlight.  By the one who clapped worlds and stars and galaxies into existence.  THAT powerful being created..... YOU.  He literally hand-crafted you.  For Himself.  Think about that for a moment.  Think about what that means for how much you're worth.  You have IMMENSE worth, Piper.  Enough to die for.  AMAZING worth.  Do NOT let someone trample all over that gem, Piper.  You were never meant for that.  YOU, my dear Piper, were made to SHINE!

Kel