Just so you know jkpeace, that is not at all helpful. I am dealing with all of those thoughts already and what I asked for was success stories. I am trying to find a ray of hope in an extremely difficult situation. I can tell you are angry from your own experience but please do not post any more on my thread, I came here for support not for help in making me feel worse. 

There is a MOM group or site folks mentioned here ...do a search.

I will say you're on a forum here with the kindest people on the planet.  We are not bitter..most of us are hurt.  Myself..I used to shake with trauma as my then wife went out "shopping" with her girlfriend...was it 2 friends shopping or was it a date?  And why did I have to wonder?  I could not do it...the distrust gnaws at you. 

So sorry you're here but glad you found us...it is a shock.  Like getting hit by a bus.

You can try marriage counseling.  If both people want the marriage maybe there is hope..  but with the gay thing there are no take backs...once a spouse acts this way we the straight spouse are forever diminished and trust is forever shaken.

Hi mk,

Welcome.  I'm sorry you find yourself here.  I understand where you're coming from, but jkpeace has been in your exact shoes.  In fact, I remember when jk got here a long time ago.  She came here posting the same questions you pose.  If I remember correctly, she was initially upset at our answers just like you were (sorry if I'm confusing you with someone else, jk).  But the truth is, you didn't ask for success stories.  Reread your post above.  What you said was that you want to stay together but you don't know if it will work and that it hurts. You may have thought you asked for success stories, but to me, it sounds like you were asking for true help and guidance.  I promise you with all my heart that no one here is trying to be rude.  We all get it.  We've lived it - but we're just further along in our journey than you are.  We have seen person after person come here asking the same thing.  They get angry at us sometimes, but I can't even tell you how many end up coming back months or years later (including myself) pissed off because they wasted so many years eating up the excuses and lies they were fed by their spouse.

When I first came here (five-ish years ago) I was a mess.  I asked the same questions you did.  I would get so mad/hurt when Patti (an old member of the group) would hit me with the tough love. I thought "they just don't know US, they don't know HIM, we're different".  I TRIED to make it work.  We all did.  But the honest truth is that jk is right.  Patti was right.  Once you start getting pieces of the truth or admissions of feelings there is always more.  If you have time, start reading Sean's post under the "Is he/she gay" section called a gay spouse answers your questions.  There's good information in there.   

The questions jk was asking weren't to be rude at all - she's trying to ask  you: is this the life you really want?  Because she cares. Take a step back before worrying about whether or not you can make a mixed marriage work.  The absolute first question you should ask is: is this what I want?  If the answer is: yes, I've been bisexual or with bisexual people in the past then that's great!  I'm not trying to be a smart ass, I'm totally for anything that makes both people happy.  But if you're blindsided and doing this because you're head over heels in love and trying to keep the ship afloat then it's eventually going to suck the life out of you. 

I would offer a guess that we probably see hundreds of new people here each year.  /Several hundred I bet.  Sadly, each of the stories reads like the exact same book.  When we start in with telling you it's not a good sign and it probably won't work, we're talking about cold, hard statistics from what we've seen over and over.  It's like when you're a teenager and your Mom offers you good advice from something she has experience in that she's already lived through.  The problem is that we don't want to hear it.  Been there, done that, I got the tshirt unfortunately.  Yours could be the one in a thousand that works out IF you're ok with it.  I say IF because that's the key.  you hit the nail on the head when you said you need to be able to not second guess everything.  But the awful truth is that now you know.  The elephant is in the room, the cat is out of the bag.  Once it's out you will always know.  For me, I couldn't get it out of my head.  I couldn't stop second guessing.  It's as bad as knowing about an affair - it will never leave your mind.  And....for me, it didn't have to leave my mind.  I didn't have to worry about second guessing because every damn time I'd get remotely close to "forgetting" about it, it would rear its ugly head again, mostly in the form of finding out about lies or gay porn or finding naked pics, sometimes a big dildo hidden away in our closet.  Where ever I went, there it was. 

So - I ask you to please, come to this site and use our experience to FIRST ask yourself if this is what you want to be your life.  I think the answer is that if you were ok with it, you wouldn't be here.  You wouldn't have missed a beat and you would have just gone on about your lives together.  But most likely if this were as normal as he's making it out to be, you would have known this years ago and you and your husband would have discussed this openly, before getting married. 

Just read, absorb information, and please don't get offended.  98% of us started exactly where you are.

Good luck in your journey. 

Dear MK,
  Here's what you said: "I still have some hope"..."I just don't know"..."I need to feel like I have the whole picture."  That is not asking for a success story.  
   What jk said must have struck home with you, and maybe you reacted by displacing your fears and anger, but jk peace has been one of the most generous voices of reason and compassion on this forum, and who, for the seven months I've been on this forum, has been inspirational to me.  
    Once you calm down, you might actually search for her posts, because you could learn something from her that would help you fill out "the whole picture." 
  .  

mk33,

I have not seen a single success story here on our site.  That doesn't mean they're not out there.  There are such stories on the main SSN page.  I've read them.  The thing that hits me about all of them is that they don't discuss how they feel about sharing their spouse.  They may say that they're happy to still be together, and that it was worth it.  But they never say that they still struggle, or how long it took them to get over the jealousy, or what they went through to arrive at a place that fits both their needs.  So I have NO.IDEA what that takes to do.  I assume that you'd have to be a non-jealous person by nature (have no issues with your spouse desiring others).  And that you'd have to work VERY hard at parameters that make it worthwhile for both of you.  Such as..... your spouse is allowed to have sex, but not a true relationship with another person.  No chatting, no meeting up for dating-type meetings, etc.  And you'd need to arrive at how often you'd be comfortable with them doing this - how much time away from the marriage/family is acceptable.  You would need to make decisions about how much you share information (do you REALLY want to know how sex with someone else went?).  And you would need to deal with the emotions that crop up along the way.  If your spouse comes home overtly happy after a hookup, how will that make you feel?  If they act like nothing happened, how does THAT make you feel?  I would think that therapy (both individual and joint) would NEED to be part of the equation.  So many moving parts when at the root of the marriage was supposed to have been exclusivity.

You say that your spouse expressed that he's never cheated, and he doesn't want to.  So,... what does he want to do about his attraction?  Is he just trying to be honest with you about it, so he's not hiding his feelings?  For the sake of openness and honesty?  Or is he testing the waters while trying to make you feel secure?  Every time you accept something, there is room for you to accept more.  In some relationships, that means nothing - the partners aren't going to take advantage of each other, and they're up-front about the end goal.  In other situations, they only shine a light on the next step - not on the end goal - so they don't scare you off.  In those cases, you may feel that you've given them what they want, and they just keep wanting more.  Or worse - that they always wanted more, but have been dishonest with you about it to avoid scaring you off.

The other question is if your spouse says he has no desire / intention of cheating on you, then why are you considering giving him permission to do so?  And if you give permission, is it no longer considered cheating?  If a child cheats and copies answers from the test-taker next to them, are they not cheating if the teacher looks the other way?  It's still cheating.  It's just got no consequences.

On top of all of this is the possibility that your spouse will start seeing someone that they may fall in love with.  They you have a spouse who contributes to the household in whatever ways they do, but you no longer have their heart - they are not invested in you so much as the role of being a husband, father, homeowner, man of the house, etc.  Even if they didn't leave you, would you be okay with him being in love with another person?  Many people have argued that their spouse could not do that - "they have said that I have their heart, so how can it be given to another?"  Until it happens.  And then all your hard work and sacrifice is thrown to the wayside as you realize you were used until they used you up, and then moved on as if you were nothing more than an old door mat.

What will YOU get out of this arrangement?  If you are not eager to also sleep with others, then what's in it for you?  If what you want out of your marriage is dedication, faithfulness and exclusivity, then you will NOT be getting the core relationship necessities that you need.  So then what's in it? I'd propose that what's at the base of that is fear over losing the person you love.  Except that it's a desperate fear - it's the kind of fear that makes you give up all your core values because this ONE.PERSON is the ONLY person for you.  Except that they're not doing what any other person would be required to do in order to be in a relationship with you.  So then.... you're holding onto smoke.  What you have is being around someone who you think is a good parent to your children (if that's one of the reasons).  What you have is a man who appears to be the husband.  Only he doesn't desire you, you don't have his focus and attention, your best interests are not considered, and he's a warm body with a heart that is unavailable to you.  I'd propose that you're not keeping him at ALL if that's what you're left holding.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (May 5, 2017 11:00 am)