Today has been a struggle. I'm having a hard time with the loss of my partner. More than the betrayal, the confusion or anything else, it hurts most to suddenly be alone. Going to bed and waking up alone is the worst part. I can get through the day, it's getting home after work to an empty house that's killing me. I don't want her back, I want that feeling back. I keep having dreams that this whole thing wasn't real, and I feel wonderful, then I wake up in an empty bed and it crushes me. There's not a lot of things in my adult life hat have brought me to tears, but this does every damn day. When I first found out, i was in shock. I told myself that shit happens and I'll get through it. Now that the shock has worn off it's so much harder. The reality has sunk in. The best years of my life were fake. My happiness was based in lies. The first thing in my life to make me feel happy and content was a sham. My marriage is over. I've accepted that. I just don't know how to move forward. This is making me weak and indecisive and I hate it. Every tough time in my life has yielded a clear answer as to what needed to be done, or how I needed to handle it. Sometimes it takes a few days to resolve, but I was always able to. I have no idea what to do or where to go now.

I'm sorry for rambling and beating a dead horse. I know I need to stay positive but  it's been a hard day. I had a good friend message me to RSVP for his wedding and I don't know how to tell him I don't think I can handle it. I'm so weak right now I'm going to miss the wedding of a dear friend because I'm afraid I'm going to break down if I go.

Hi Hiker,

Sorry you are having such a rough time of it. It just sucks, plain and simple, but the pain really does lessen. Not every day is going to be awesome, and some days it's just tiny, tiny baby steps.  I had a similar wedding very shortly after d-day to attend, and I was dreading it. But you know what? I went, by myself, and had a blast! I ate, drank, and danced more than I had in years. I had other friends there, just like you will have, and I was so happy to be there. Don't give her anymore power over your life, she's taken enough. It's time to start taking back your control. You can do it, it will be a great first step!
Hugs.

Hiker,
    When someone reveals that their sexuality is different from ours, it feels like a rejection of our core selves, and makes us question ourselves, our past and our ability to judge what's real.  We all know this feeling. I promise you won't always feel as you do right now.  
   Chump Lady has some great posts on this feeling we all get that our lives were based on a lie.  What she says, essentially, is that WE weren't lying or faking or posing, that WE were genuine and honestly reacting to what was in front of us.  YOU were the person who loved, gave, entered into that relationship whole-heartedly.  You are still that person.  She is not the person you thought she was, but you couldn't have known that because she didn't tell you.  You can't be faulted for taking at face value the person she presented herself to be.  And you can't let her deception steal your past self and your past from you. 
  

Hiker 33 wrote:

a confused lesbian was the only one that ever thought I was worthwhile.

Not necessarily true, Hiker.  When we enter into a committed relationship, we kind of close the shutters and dim the lights to outside opportunities from other potential prospects. We should, anyway. People see that.  It makes you unapproachable to the opposite sex for anything other than platonic relationships.  It could have been that plenty of women would have been interested, had you been available.

Don't make your worth about who you think did or didn't want you.  You know that it's not true for others.  You would never let a good friend or sibling think that of themselves. It's as patently untrue for you as it is for them.

Kel

I appreciate the positive words. All I can hope is that age and maturity will come into play and I'll meet someone who will value the good in me. I'm trying my best to believe that things will be better the second time around, but my memory and experience is still arguing with me.  I was single for all but a couple weeks of my life until I was 32, I didn't even sleep with a woman until I was 26 and that was just an awkward mess. It wasn't for a lack of trying, at least not up until 30 or so. At that point I did stop trying to meet anyone because it hurt more to be rejected than to be alone. Then I met my ex wife and she was wonderful to me. She made me feel good about who I was. I'd never had that before. It filled my heart. It validated all my years of trying to be ethical and moral and work hard.  I felt like I could conquer any challenge. I realize it's petty, I need to buck up and move on, have some confidence in myself and stop dwelling on the past, but what I feel now is what I felt then. Loneliness that's like a rock in the pit of my stomach. I thought I was done with it and to feel it come back so powerfully isn't easy to swallow. I can't shake that anxiety and dread. Now I have to try it all again, but with far more baggage.

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm arguing with you. I need to talk this out and I really don't have anyone else to discuss this with. I have good friends, but they all had an easy time meeting people, at least in comparison, most are married, so it's hard to hear them say I just need to get back out there and I'll find somebody. It falls empty. None of them had the years of being alone I did, none of them had their marriages end at all, especially not in such a mind-melting way as we all have. It helps to hear positive words from people who understand better what this betrayal feels like. I'm trying. I'm better off than I was before I found this group, so that's a positive thing. I sincerely appreciate it.