Hi Jesse,

It's amazing how loaded full of emotions all of this can be, isn't it?  If you want to move on and they want you to remain married, they love bomb you, they guilt you, they confuse you by trying to act like nothing's wrong.  If they decide they want to move on, they want you out of their life as quickly as possible.  There IS no good scenario - it's all wrought with feelings of rejection, vacillating thoughts, wanting to accept but not accept.  It's a mind fuck.  I'm so sorry.

Please know that he's ALREADY trashed that 15 years, in many ways.  Getting the divorce doesn't trash the relationship - his treatment of you has.  Divorce is you deciding that you don't want to stick around for more of the same.  You don't, however, need to feel rushed.  There is a lot of details to work out when ending a marriage - especially one where's there's joint property, money, debts and children involved.  While you naturally don't want to be married any longer than you need to be, neither do you want to rush on something that's so important to get the details right on.  Take your time and do it right.

How is he rushing you, exactly?  Is he contacting you and pressuring you to sign the paperwork that he's proposed?  Is he wanting to hash out the details with you before he puts anything in writing?  Know that now that he's gone, you don't have to respond to ANY of that in-person.  He needs to send his proposal to you through his lawyer to yours.  Each lawyer talks to their own client and makes changes back.  You have up to 30 days to respond to his proposal.  My ex used to wait until his deadline, and then respond by asking for an extended deadline.  There IS no rushing you except where you let the pressure get to you.  Refuse to pick up the phone to any of his calls any longer.  Make it clear that here is your lawyer's info, and his lawyer can contact you that way.  Don't play his game any longer.  It's time for YOU to be in control of how you respond to this.  Become unflappable.  You do this by deciding to NOT call him / write him / meet him, no matter WHAT he says or proposes.  Put it in writing through the lawyers.  THE.END.

As for needing answers, I have no doubt that you do.  You will not get them, sweetie.  Not to your satisfaction, anyway.  Even if you got tons of what you wanted, you'll never know if it's all of it.  At this point, nothing the man says can be taken at face value, so trying to get the truth out of him is futile.  It serves him no purpose to tell you the truth now, so he certainly won't.  The other part is that it takes some poor experiences to understand that none of the answers matter.  If you told you that he JUST figured out he was gay a month ago, you'd think you were throwing in the towel too quickly. If he told you that it's been going on for years, you'll feel foolish.  If he told you that he knew since childhood that he's gay, then you feel like all of your relationship was a lie.  And that you were used.  There IS no "good" answer.  There is only bad and worse.  Sometimes the best truth you can accept is that this has NOTHING to do with you - this was all about him, and him not being able to be authentic as an individual - even to himself.  He of course then was not authentic or truthful with you.  It's not an excuse - it's just the way it is.  NONE of it matters.  What matters is that once you found out the truth, you did what was best for you so that you wouldn't continue putting your body, mind and soul in danger.  I STILL don't know any of the answers to all those questions with my ex.  And I can tell you that you CAN get to closure without knowing those answers - because I did.  He was a jerk, and you didn't deserve it.  End.Of.Story.  It may take a while to come to this way of thinking, but you will eventually embrace it since there's no way around it.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  Take control of your situation and stand your ground.  The only way you win at this point is by exiting the marriage with what you deserve, and by embracing your situation in a way that leaves you healthy both physically and emotionally.  Then you've won all you can in a case like this.

All my best -

Kel

Last edited by Kel (April 28, 2017 2:35 pm)

Jesse's Girl - I agree with Rob.  He might be over you and ready to move on, but that does not mean he will be happy.  He might think he will be, and will try to be, but he probably won't be.  These are very messed up people.  I too was rushed, and I just took my time when I could, and complied when I couldn't.  I was a mental and emotional wreck of course.  The other thing is that no matter how slow you take things, you might always feel rushed.  When it is them who have instigated and are ready to leave, that's just how it is.  Until you can truly wrap your head around the whole thing (which may never actually happen completely) you very likely will feel rushed, because you just never planned on or wanted this.  So sorry, best of luck.