I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It can be so difficult to see the reality of the situation when you're in it - particularly because you believe your partner, and so you wind up hearing what you want to hear, and then you need to decide later (when you see proof to the contrary) if you believe their words or their actions.  My advice: believe their actions.  Actions show intent.  Words are just, well...... words.  They mean NOTHING without action behind them.

What he's showing you is that he's willing to lie and deceive you in order to have a secret life behind your back.  Whether GID means "Gay In Denial" or "Gender Identity" (but then what's the "D" stand for???) is kind of immaterial.  He's got a secret life that he's hiding from you.  Not.Good.  Why hide it if you already know about it?  Because what he's doing is only giving you a bit of what he wants you to know, and then doing so much more behind your back.  If you were cool with his life, then why create alternate realities?  And what part of the gender identity is "killing" him if he's out to you and you literally help him with dressing?  It just doesn't make sense.  The only thing that makes sense is that there's more to the story than he's giving you.  And since he considers himself a trans now and he's already disclosed that to you, the only thing that he could be hiding from you is that he's wanting to be with men.  And he's likely doing so.

I'm sure you'd never have helped him along this path if you thought that it would mean him leaving to be with other men.  He has deceived you.  He knew what he wanted.  He just didn't have the balls to tell you.  And he's not going to now, either - he for some reason wants to stay married.  We never do really get why they want to stay married - but for some reason, it's their base.  They want the status quo PLUS the sexual side - outside of their marriage.  That shouldn't be okay with you, and it's okay that it's not.  He KNOWS that - it's why he's hiding it from you.

Please don't be fooled.  He wants to be a straight WOMAN.  Which means that he wants to be with men.  You're not a man.  I don't know how this could work without you just sacrificing yourself for his benefit.  But he's obviously not willing to do the same for you.  Game over.  And it IS a game.

I'm so sorry -

Kel

NO, you're NOT crazy. Your "normal" barometer was re-set and keeps being re-set, so that every time you get more piled in your plate, you only see it as being a little bit more than the last time you looked. "It's not so much more than the last time I looked", you tell yourself. But you never stepped back to look at the fact that at some point - without you noticing it - your plate had been replaced with a platter, and then everything overflowed onto the table, then onto the floor. Your normal became HUGE. So you never saw it turn into the amount of rotting slop that you'd have to consume just to get ahead.  You are never going to be able to eat all that. You never would have agreed to attempt to in the first place if you'd known what your plate would eventually look like. And yet you feel bad for not finishing what you started.  JUST to be able to say that you did it. To be able to say that when you committed yourself to him, you meant it. You will see this through thick and thin, because that's the kind of woman you are.

That's your story right there.  Now, if that was MY story, what would you tell me? You'd tell me to stop chewing immediately,wouldn't you?  You'd tell me there's no point in continuing unless I was fine with being sick - and potentially dying - for this thing that no one but ME expects of me.  "But...", I tell you, "my husband says I can do it! He says he NEEDS me to. That if I don't keep trying, then I don't love him. He needs me to not be selfish. And I love him.  And I want to please him". You'd say, "Sweetie, that's noble of you. But it's not true. And he's a jerk for even asking that of you. He expects you to eat it all because he doesn't want to stuff any of down his OWN throat.  He would rather watch you kill yourself trying to please him than to eat any of it himself."  This isn't "thick and thin". This is sticking it out through lies and betrayal and deception.  And for what?  So you can say you'retenacious? You you can say you're nade of steel? Why? You don't get any prize for all your heartache and pain. Just more expectation of the same."

Now, I will give you a nugget of wisdom that my current husband gave me one day, which helped me immensely. I was feeling guilty for the 4,000th time about kicking my son out - even though I knew I HAD to in order to protect my other children.  My son would call me crying. Guilting me about "Mom, how could you do this to me? I need to come back home. I'm your son. Help me". Meanwhile, he was a complete and utter jerk to me and hadn't changed one bit, nor had he attempted to meet my requirement of getting psychological help.  I was crying after telling my son no again.  I said to my husband, "It hurts so bad! I don't know what to do! How can I not help him?". And here's what my husbsnd said to me: "Kel, he knows you're feeling like this. It's WHY he calls you and says those things. He is using your soft heart against you."  OH. MY. GOD. He was right!

Don't let him use your soft, giving, loving, wonderful heart AGAINST YOU. It's an amazing thing, what you've put yourself through just to give to someone. But he's using your nature and you're softness against you as a weapon.  Despite what he makes it look like, HE KNOWS THIS. He's just hoping YOU don't know. That way he can get you to lay down yourself so he can have all of his needs and desires met. And all the while looking like a poor, tortured soul.  Is that how a husband is supposed to act toward the woman he cherishes??? No. No.it's.not. If he loved you like he says he does, he would be trying to make you happy.  Because that's what a man in love derives his happiness from. Anything to make his woman happy.  Anything to see his baby smile.

Get angry, hon.  You have every right to. You don't need his permission to tell him he's full of shit. That he has been all along, and you finally woke up. That you're done with him using your own heart against you for his gain.  He knows what he's doing. He's going to pretend that he doesn't, but it's a lie.  Only you can stop this madness. He sure as hell won't.

Kel

You're not the only one who's felt the weight of our situation manifest itself on us physically.  It's something that most if not all of us have felt.  At least those of us who know anything about our spouse's sexuality (whether the truth, or we find the evidence of the truth).  It takes SO much our energy to deal with that every day.  And if we can't give up the attention being paid to anything else (the kids, the job, the house), then our health starts to suffer.  It's our body's last stand.  It's saying "If YOU won't do something, Iiiiiii will".

I myself got sick all the time - got strep throat and bronchitis and the flu.  I got strep one time that was antibiotic resistant.  I just could.not.get.well.  It was weeks off of work, worrying about how to get better so that I could support my family.  I didn't even realize it then - I thought maybe I was just that pathetic.  Well, let me tell you that since my ex left (5 years ago now), I haven't been sick ONCE beyond your standard cold.  At first I thought it was a coincidence.  But it's not.  After YEARS of being sick, he leaves and I have years of NOT being sick?  That's not a coincidence.  That's my body showing me that when I'm happy, I function better all the way down to a physical level.  That's some science right there.

Kel

Kel, That is NOT a coincidence for sure! I'm hoping my issues disappear or at least are mitigated as I move forward. I have some pretty serious stuff going on and because i ignored them (or more importantly I ignored the issues in our marriage) for so long, they have worsened to the point of major medical intervention. The physical & mental drain just makes the "to do list" that much more difficult & daunting. I've scheduled in some therapy appointments to start soon, after seeing that mentioned on this board as a "must do". I'm a big believer in Louise Hays & Christine Northrup's philosophy of "unresolved emotional issues manifesting into physical form". And I have for years known this, so I'm just an ass for ignoring everything for so long.

On a side note, but extremely telling, when i was searching for  "Therapy for spouses of CD's/ Trans", there was NOTHING in my very significant Canadian city for the str8t spouse, but pages for the LGBT community. these forums & resources are basically our only and/or first lifeline. Sad.

Rob: I'm sorry you've had to endure so much pain. You need to remind yourself with the affirmation (daily!) how incredibly BRAVE you are, not just for having survived your situation, but for being courageous, smart & generous enough to open up & SHARE it! Men don't typically give themselves the freedom of emotional expression and by you sharing your experience & it's effect on you, you are doing so much good for your own success, but also to the other men who may be suffering in silence, for fear of opening up. Bravo!! 

Just a thought, GID might be gender identity disorder, which used to be a psychiatric diagnosis.