OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- Bob
- Member
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Checking in
Hello everyone!
I haven't checked in here in ages, and I feel a bit guilty about that as this site helped me so much. For those who are new and don't recognise me, my ex-wife came out in September 2015. We tried briefly to make it work, until we split and eventually the divorce came through.
I am doing really well. I have now been with my girlfriend for nearly a year and a half, and she moved in with me about two months ago and things are going swimmingly. She's a wonderful woman, and it's been a real eye-opener to have a healthy relationship after years where things weren't right.
I'll be honest - I was nervous about sharing my home again, especially as it's the same house I shared with my ex-wife. The funny thing is though, that it isn't the same house anymore. I lived there on my own for a year, in which I strategically redecorated and refurnished, to get things how I wanted them. Now my GF has moved in, we've made changes for it to be her home too and it's really good for my soul to see the artifacts of our life together around the place.
I have no contact with the ex. My feelings remain the same as they were - I wish her well in her new life, and carry very little bitterness about the past - on my past decisions I look back and think "I did what I thought was best, with the information I had" so I can't beat myself about what I did.
Funnily enough I ran into her recently. I gave her a slightly awkward smile, she gave what I felt to be a very unimpressed look in return which I took to mean she still doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Fine by me. I do find it odd though that she is bitter, and I'm not - there's definitely some schadenfreude there!! I guess it's true that living well is the best revenge... haha!
Anyway. I want to send some love out to all those who I've spoken to on here before, and again my endless thanks for your support during what was the hardest time of my life. For those of you who are at the start of this journey or still stumbling through, take it from me - it gets so, so much better, and it is worth every difficult step. My life is unrecognisable, it is better in every way.
Digital love and hugs - Bob.
- Kel
- Member
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Re: Checking in
Hi, Bob!
So nice to "see" you here again! And it's wonderful that you're doing so great! Congrats on cohabitating with your new, lovely lady. Isn't being with a straight spouse completely different?
When you were first faced with your ex coming out, did you think that everything was fine at that time, and that this came out of the blue? Were you hoping to have the issue go away, so you could go back to being what you thought was happy again? Now that you look back on the situation and have a relationship with a st8 woman to compare it to, do you feel like you didn't have a good grasp a true picture of the relationship?
I feel it can be really important for st8 spouses to know that their marriage can appear VERY different after they get some distance from it. I think so many of us had become used to the relationship that we couldn't see all its flaws until much later. I know that I thought that if I could fix three particular areas (his joblessness, his lack of desire for me - both physically and emotionally, and him really not being a grown up to co-run our home and raise our children with), things could be fine. Tolerable enough that I would have stopped complaining, anyway. I truly thought that except for those three things, I wouldn't be complaining at all. Now that I'm with someone different, I see that those 3 specific things were just the most glaringly obvious of my problems. Underneath it all was a man who was selfish and immature. Which meant that he didn't keep a job because it was inconvenient for him. He should have kept a job because he needed to support his family, but that wasn't his main goal - pleasing himself was (or at least not making himself uncomfortable). He wasn't worried about making the kids and I uncomfortable - so long as it wasn't him that was feeling the pain. His immaturity meant that he didn't need to grow up. And his selfishness / narcissism meant that he could put/keep me in a marriage that was obviously fraudulent from the get-go. He couldn't be on my side because he was so firmly on his own. The fact that he was gay and had little drive to solve problems or be honest about things is what got us to the point we eventually found ourselves in. The gay thing didn't "happen" - he knew and just cared more about him appearing straight than he did about giving me honesty within our marriage. Now that I have someone who's not only a mature adult and giving, but also straight, things are so much different. I had no idea all the ways I was being disappointed on a daily basis until I had something good to compare it to.
Good to see you here, and great to see you doing so fantastically.
Kel
Last edited by Kel (April 27, 2017 3:18 pm)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Lake Breeze
- Member
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Re: Checking in
Bob - Thanks for checking in and giving us an update. It is very uplifting to hear about the successes that some can have with this situation. You are young, did not have any children, so I think the possibilities for you to go on and have a wonderful life are tremendous. Do check back in and let us hear from you from time to time. Best.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott