Hi Debbie,

Welcome.  It might be easier if you posted this as a new thread, as this is an older thread that might not get as much visibility as a newer one.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I applaud you for sticking to your guns though on keeping the upper hand and not allowing him to walk all over you.  That takes great strength!

You're absolutely correct to think that he's lying to you.  He stands to gain nothing by admitting bigger truths to you at this point.  He's seen where the stuff he's already told you has gotten him.  And it's unreasonable to think that he has barely cheated in the 8 years' worth of proof you've found of him looking for gay massage parlors, theatres, etc. First of all, to get to the point where you're masturbating others, you must have been there a bunch of times to receive said masturbation until you got comfortable being there and decided to participate in a more robust manner.  Second, crossing the line from being touched into touching isn't something you move backwards from. And does it really matter if he hasn't done more than just masturbate other men?  If he's "only" masturbated other women, would you think it wasn't that big of a deal?  Look at each and every one of those searches as ending in "to cheat on your wife at" - "Gay massage parlors to cheat on your wife at", "Gay theatres to cheat on your wife at", etc.  Because bottom line is that that's what he's been doing.  Anything they have to hide is cheating, really.  If he were to find searches on YOUR searchbar that said, "Massage parlors with happy endings", or "site for married person to find sexual partners", it'd be very damning.  But he's thinking that he can just deny that he's participated, or that he liked it all that much (who CARES if you liked it - you DID it!!!), or that it means anything, he can just skate away.  Take the gay out of it and what you have is a man who's been cheating on you in various ways that you know of - the extend of which you'll never be sure of.  On TOP of that, it's with men.

I want to talk for a moment on the "I still love him" thing.  At the risk of sounding rude, I'll say this: "So?"  Being in love with someone is not the qualifier for whether to make a life with them or not.  As a full-fledged adult, you know this well.  If you had a daughter or a niece come to you and say, "He's treating me poorly, but... but..... I love him", you'd be like, "SO?  So what?  If he's not treating you well, or has shown you examples of how he can treat you VERY poorly, get AWAY from him.  You're worth more than this.  Life is not just about feelings - it's also about protecting yourself in a responsible manner, and making good choices.  Don't choose to overlook big things.  It's a mistake."  Don't second-guess your decision just because you still have love for him.  I may always have a bit of love for my ex.  But I'm SO much happier without him.  Especially after having found the kind of love that I deserve and makes me feel cherished and respected.

He can sob all he wants.  He knowingly did this for years - and now HE wants your mercy?  What about YOUR feelings?  What about every single time he did this stuff, and how that was chipping away at and eroding the foundation of your marriage - without you ever knowing?  Did he think that just because there was no immediate affect then that it wasn't doing something horrific to you?  Allll those times added up and bit him all at once.  LET him feel the weight of that.  It's his to carry.  Let him beg that he loves you - it's words.  If he TRULY loved you, he never would have done that stuff in the first place.  They ALL think that they can just pretend that they weren't really all that into it, and promise that they'll never do it again.  The bottom line is that it's like an addiction - a driving force that's relentless.  Release him so he can go have his heart's desire and you don't have to be treated poorly in the process.

I wish you all the best -

Kel
 

Hi Kel, yes everything you said is absolutely true and all the things I have thought to myself since I first found out. I have not wavered in  the thought that I will never ever get back with him. I kicked him out of our home the first day I found out and he begged to come and see me and talk before he went away again for work ,I said NO do not come anywhere near me I don't ever want to see you again , he knocked on the door though and I opened it with the chain on and stood talking to him through a one inch gap , well I say talking , it was just him standing there crying and saying how sorry and all that he was , he then txt me after he had gone and said I realise that it's over as I have never seen you so cold. I said I told you it was over the minute I found out. I immediately told all my family and his family when I found out as I knew I would never get back with him. He then for the next 5 weeks sent txts , one day angry the next day begging and I told him every time I'm not interested, he came back from working away after about 4 weeks and asked me to meet him which stupidly I did , but not because I was going to get back with him I think it was more about wanting to find out what he had actually done as half the time he was denying things that I knew he was lying about. A couple of things he said unwittingly made me realise he had done more than what he said and I said to him even if it had been one time ,one too many times for me . I wish I hadn't gone to see him because I was really beginning to feel okand get on with life and it brought back all the hurt for me and I sat and looked at him and thought I'm still attracted to you and still had feelings for him but told him the hurt and deciet he had done to me over road all those feelings. I can not ever forgive him and have not wavered in this thought. My family are amazed st how strong I have been and are proud of me just wanting to put it behind me and get on with my life. I'm proud of myself because I know I'm worth more than what he has done , for me there is no forgiveness, he has sent me a book by kindle to read and it's called is my husband gay straight or bi , I read it and it's a load of crock in my opinion. I can't understand some of the women in that book that have stayed with there husbands , I really can't , I think you have to have more respect for yourself and know that , that is NOT a marriage !! I'm waiting for his txt to ask me " have you read the book and I will say YES and it's a load of bull , all it is , is the guy who wrote the book making excuses for these men who cheat on there wife's with other men and saying it doesn't mean he is gay or bi , I've Sed to my husband " I don't think your gay but I know you are definitely bi because you wouldn't want sex with other men if you weren't. I feel sad for the life we had together ending and all the things we used to do together like holidays etc but I know I deserve better. I've even been out on a date with a guy 😁 Not because I want to jump into another relationship straight away but because this is me now , a single woman and I am just trying to get on with life and do things that make me feel like I am living a normal life again. I keep myself fit and look younger than my age and I'm determined to carry on my life without that Cheater and liar in it. He said to me , Why did you have to tell people that was terrible of you  to do that , I nearly choked and said what you did to me behind my back is way way worse than me telling people , that is the consequence of your actions and if it was women you had been going with I would have told people , so what's  the difference. I'm glad I found this forum to talk on with people going through the same thing

"I know I deserve better." - words to live by.

When I went to meet up with him that one time he said something to me that then I knew he was lying about only having gone to massage parlours and once to a sauna but he didn't like it (yeh rite !! I really believe that ) he said to me in conversation , " I knew you'd be ok with the std check because it was safe sex " I said " oh ok so why did you use a condom if it was only masterbation and oral sex ?? Then he said no I didn't mean that I meant a lot of them are married men ", I said a lot of who were married men , you said you'd only been to gay massage palour and I know that most of those masseurs are gay men , so who were all married men ". He just dug himself in deeper . He wasn't talking about it in general like saying " a lot of men who go to saunas are married men , he said it like " a lot of them were married men , so I knew by the way he said it that he was talking about himself not just in general and I said how do you know they were married and he said loads have wedding rings on. But then tried to say he had only been gay sauna once and didn't like it 😂 , I think I just wanted to hear it for myself even though I knew our marriage was over because of the gay massage but I knew he had done more and just needed to hear it , even though if he wouldn't have dug himself in deeper I would have still ended our marriage. I suppose it's just like you need closure and even though you don't want to hear it but at the same time you do. . Such a liar and I just hope if I meet anybody else I won't have trust issues

Thanks yes , it's not easy when there crying and saying they'll never do it again , but it always comes back to the same thing , whether you would do it again or not "you've done it and decieved me and there is no going back from that and if someone has been doing that for years I don't think they would be able to stop even if I could forgive , but I carnt , no way