Demons-halo wrote:

It kills me because I swear I see a shadow of how I remember her every once in a while. She will ask if I am ok and I swear I can hear concern and caring in her voice. And so I answer and it always ends the same. I speak and automatic rage. It's like a trap that I keep falling for. Until this week, I told her thanks for asking it means alot but you know we don't have a friendship or relationship were we can talk. I talk we fight it's that cut and dry. All it was doing was wearing down what trust I had left in her.
Since then she has been the person I remember but I just can't bring myself to not think it's a trap. God this sucks.

This..yes..   probably the hardest part.  Once they decide they no longer care for us the lack of empathy and even basic human kindness is demonic.  Trust is gone.

Know there is nothing you can say.
Almost 2 years in silence for me..afraid.  it was hell on earth.. any thing I said I would get rage. ..so I said nothing.

I got to see my kids and it was economical but I have ptsd to this day.

Probably the most demonic thing is what you posted about easter..where they take the kids from us.  Know that legally they cannot take your kids totally away from you. ...but they can always create drama and make holidays suck.    You have to decide how you want to live. 

You need to have a legal parenting arrangement in place before you or her leaves..   because as your seeing she will keep the kids from you without remorse or feeling.

I maintain no contact with my ex now.  A legal divorce settlement ensures I see my kids.  I urge you to get a lawyer.   You have a raging gay narcissist on your hands. As you wrote they are capable of extreme and ruthless malice...your years together mean nothing..a normal human being they would...but they are not normal.


Btw I read your reply about what you did wrong.. I though that too ..that I didn't do enough.flowers etc.... but as I look back I tried very hard.  And if I look back I see my gidx tried not at all.  She simply sat back and acted like even the weather was my fault.  She was a god and all had to bow down before her. It was narcissism. .  Not normal..not right. There is nothing you can do to make your wife gay.  The corollary follows...there is nothing you can do to make your wife cheat..or make ourselves cheat...  it is all them. Its scary to see how they changed but as you look back you can see maybe not TGT but narcissism. .which sadly is not like the love we have them.


Gather strength..dont leave without a legal parenting plan in place.

Hi D-H,

When you say there is a part of you willing to accept her pain as your own - that's normal, how a straight loves their partner.  That's how we feel and that is what you have been doing right from the start.  Unfortunately it has been a one way street.  She hasn't been doing the same for you.  It's not reciprocal.

I was a teenager when i met my GID.  Looking back I can see he set up a dishonest relationship with me from the start.  I stayed with him far too long - loved him, such deceit inconceivable, best friend, etc but even so I would have pulled free except I felt guilty, I felt ashamed of the way I felt.  Mainly I stayed because, as my mum put it, he will neither accept you or let you go.  As you say - it is a trap.

She is still the same person she always was, you are seeing her from another side and now you can see the best friend side is paper thin.

That part of you saying it's a trap is trustworthy.  It is heartbreaking and time comes when you must walk the other way and heal your heart.

A leopard doesn't changes it's spots.  So it is time to turn the tables.  That I think is why you have come here - it was like that for me.

Work out what it is she actually wants from you.  You wanted her to love you back, you wanted her support and affection - well she wants something from you now so work out what it is.  For me it was pretty simple to work out once I looked at him dispassionately because for him it was never about my affection it was about manipulating me and now I was standing firm, he just wanted as much money as he could get and he wanted his closet undisturbed.  

wishing you all the best, you will feel better in the future, promise, Lily.



 

Last edited by lily (April 23, 2017 6:02 pm)

"She will need to push you away to move on."

Exactly.  But it's not that her sexuality has changed, she could never have loved her partner as a spouse.  And what tends to happen is that the gay one pushes their straight spouse away with one hand and then when you turn to leave, pulls you back in with the other hand.

Can I just wail - why?  why do you need to love her enough to let go? 

why give her more love, can't you step away carefully instead?  at some point you have to protect yourself.

I just want to say thank you to all of you. This was probably the first really positive thing I have done for myself in a long time. Had a thought today while we were talking to our kids about negative emotions. It was odd as I listened to her talk to the kids the voice in my head has Flipping out. I wanted to laugh and ask her if she actually believed in what was coming out of your mouth. About pushing the negative away because you will always be negative and miss the positive and good things in your life. The whole conversation I would have liked to say practice what you preach because you are personally pissing on everything good we have made up to this point.

Can I suggest you take a few days to sit back and not try and accomplish anything - this is huge getting all the feedback here.  and you have taken on the hardest bit - that she never loved you like you loved her.  This is a terrible pain, it doesn't last forever but it is awful.  do everything you can to look after yourself, even if it is just to drink a glass of water or take a five minute nap.  and be kind to yourself at all times.  your children will need you you need to look after yourself first for them.

best of luck, hugs Lily