Keepinghope wrote:

Well said Kel. You really should write a book! (I'd buy it.)

Yup love it Kel!

JK  I was so like you in my desire that we could be good friends.  That was an at a very early stage, and I am still hopeful, though there hae been setbacks.  I thought and still do to a large degree, that my husband was a good man, but unfortunately he has desires that he has acted on that invalidate me, cheating and lying are not necessary in a relationship no matter how dark the secret.

There were times when I asked him straight out "Is there anything else I should know about?"  I thought I had made it so very clear how committed I was to him that he could tell me anything...after all I knew about the gay porn, the dating profile, the chatting online....but as many here know that was only (probably as I don't know all) the tip of the iceburg!  He was serially unfaithful for over 20 years, but still as you say so wisely the marriage was a mistake, but the relationship wasn't, the kids were/are great and I'm so glad my life experience allowed me to be a mom to my sons, difficult though it was when so much energy was directed at fixing the marriage that was faulty at its very core!  That is part of what I find so hard to accept.  How he allowed me to always go on...to counselling...having all sorts of discussions about our 'marriage' and he was hiding so much....fear-based to be sure.  And Byron is right...it is all about their fear and society's fear that makes these men and women hide.   

I have decided to show as much compassion as I can to my GIDXH.  Really to try.  Last weekend I moved our son out of his flat while he was working and cleaned it thoroughly for him.  It was a symbolic sort of gesture as I always was a SAHM and liked making our life and home beautiful.  Now his grimy flat is not homey and was so dirty he was going to call professionals in.... I did that for him.  And for me in a funny way.  I am a good and loving woman willing to help people however I can.  I was a good and loving wife.  It underscored some of the comforts he enjoyed, so now he has a very clean flat.  And I have the satisfaction of feeling I can do something nice even for him, who has done something so very unkind to me.  Compassion and love.  Which is what you are showing your STBX.  

Keep up the good work.  It will get better.  Or I hope so anyway.....I will let you know after I go to this wedding which will be the first social occasion we have both attended since divorcing.....I'm nervous....but I've got a killer outfit as it is a very posh wedding in a cathedral...hat the works!    

Wow everyone. What a great discussion. You are making me think. When TGT came to light, I made my GIDH the enemy, because he couldn't/wouldn't be honest, even with all the evidence in hand. I'll be honest, I was so shocked and overwhelmed I turned the once-loving good husband into a lying manipulative cheater in my mind. It was the only way I knew to react at the time. I couldn't reconcile it any other way.

I understand all the reasons for compassion, and I'm sad that was his life, but I still can't accept the lies and deception against the woman he swore to respect and cherish. I feel every bit of love he showed me for 30 years was false, or at least tainted by his secret and lies.

Now I have to rethink my position. I made myself stop loving him, because it was the only way I knew to survive. I didn't stand by him, or help him. He didn't care about me or talk to me either. I divorced him and ran like my hair was on fire (thanks Rob for that image. It's true though.)

I think if he had ever told me one bit of his truth that I would have bent over backward to understand and be kind. I am a kind person with a good heart, but not toward him. I know I need to accept and forgive the unforgivable in order to be fully at peace. It's only been one year exactly.

Thanks for making me rethink what I did and how I feel. I never thought I would want to forgive him, but it seems like I will have to.

Btw, my youngest son just came out as bi. I support him fully and am so glad we are no longer allowing secrets in our life. I have nothing but respect for his integrity.

Thank you Byron, that is a beautiful way to look at it.   "not giving it undue weight"  and definitely it will get easier with time and distance.  My divorce is complete.  I've had time to grieve.  Now I can let go of him.  I'm still struggling to see my marriage in a positive light and not feel so much was tainted, corrupted by this string of lies and their rotting influence on the good that was there....  So forgiveness is still hard at times, but it does help when I think of him as a person so deeply conflicted and confused that he made choices that were driven by a part of his nature that he could not deny or resist.  

And my anger and pain too is driven at times by a similar sort of power, but I also have to forgive and have compassion for myself, this person who has been treated badly, whether intentionally or not....  At times I have not given myself that compassion, so much effort was put into 'understanding' him, and twisting myself into a mental pretzle trying to accept the unacceptable.  So first I think one has to get a bit of self-compassion going and then extend it out....the whole airplane instruction of putting on your oxygen mask first yadda...yadda...yadda.  I still sometimes fall into thinking about what he needs and how I can make this situation better....and I'm trying now for what may be the first time in my life to really think about what I need!  And I need some love and compassion....for the difficulty that this is.  And the pain of feeling guilty even saying what has happened in my marriage, the secret shame and his cowardice that make it hard for others to fully understand just how hopeless it was to try and continue... after 27 years....that is why I had to tell my sons.  They are all in their 20s and I felt they just thought it was my choice as my ex kept saying it wasn't/isn't his!  So that made it easier once they knew, but even now I feel guilty for telling them and the few others I have as my ex still is so deep in denial.  

I have my house.  I have a job.  My sons are grown.  I have a new boyfriend.  I am getting happier all the time.  

Perhaps the debt has been paid.  
 

Byron, Leah, Rob, Kel, everyone.....this is such a beautiful thread. It makes me proud to be among you. Just consider the unthinkable violence we have been through whether silent in secrets and lies, or verbal in scorn and disrespect. And physical, yes I feel I was violated when he had sex with me while wishing I was a man. Yet...we are compassionate. Trying to do our best for our children, our damaged spouses, each other and finally, for ourselves.

I want to give you all a huge virtual hug and say peace be with each of us. We didn't ask for any of this mess but we handle it with such grace and generousity.

Leah, thank you for this post. You are so strong and wise. I'm just one year in from a surprising, sudden reveal that my husband of 25 years was having relationships with young men, and one in particular. I was thrown completely off course, and my whole life changed overnight. I loved him and trusted him, and was faithful for 30 years. He lied so well I either didn't know or believed what he said.

So now in my new life, divorced in my mid-sixties, I grapple with picking up the pieces, looking for hope and beauty, learning to leave the "why's" behind, I've done everything possible to love all the good people in my life, to find joy and do new things. I read, meditate, journal about this unexpected journey. I'm healing bit by bit.

But now I have the daunting task of accepting that he is not 100% bad, that he must have done the only thing he felt possible, and maybe in some twisted way he really did love me. It's so hard and painful. I liked it better when I pegged him as 100% wrong.

So I'm wondering how long you have been on this path, and how you find the courage to face him socially like you did, and accept that he is a person, not a monster?