Thank you, all. She actually does claim that it hit her our of the blue. I don't have any basis to argue.  She swears she would rather undo everything and go back to 2008 if she could.  Either way,  it's not a point I have energy to fight.

I could use an anodyne.  The hurt is incredible. I have anxiety and sleep problems sometimes but I found getting back into an exercise routine has helped a lot. I feel like I'm walking around in a daze.  Little things will send me crashing down and I pull it back together and press on. 

I know I'm facing a lot of unknowns and fears. It's tough because I had faced the first round alone.  Most of my family has passed and the few left don't talk.

I found the local SSN group and a counselor who specializes in straight spouses so it's a start.


She wants to stay married but I don't know which course to take yet but I'm looking at them all.  Has anyone actually stayed and found a positive way to make it work?

Carl

Last edited by Carl (April 18, 2017 2:10 pm)

Hi Carl,

I'm sorry you're going through this.  It sounds very painful and confusing.

What do YOU want?  I'm sure that like most of us who have spouses who disclose to us, you just wish everything could go back to the way things were BC - before disclosure.  But it can never be that way again.  Knowing this, what are you hoping for a this point?  Are you hoping that she'll decide that she's straight again and decide to stay?  Or are you at the point where no matter what she says/does, it's too late?

I very much understand that you are used to making decisions for the good of the whole family.  And you'll be tempted to continue on that way in this decision, too.  It just doesn't work that way, though.  If you were to make the decision based on what's best for the majority of the group, you'd undoubtedly decide that so long as your wife is willing, you'll stay married.  And that's because you assume that every child would always be happier and better off in an intact, whole family.  Seems true - on the surface.  The problem is that everything's not equal in both situations.  You aren't the same amount happy as a person when you're with someone who is hurting you daily.  So you cannot be the same kind of parent, and your family can therefore not be the same family.  Two conflicted, unhappy parents make for a pretty shitty energy vibe to live in for the kids.

If you were to make an analogy, it would be like getting trapped in a bear trap with one foot/leg.  If you were to look at it as "the body will always be best as a whole - without missing or compromised parts", then you'd stay in the bear trap and your body would remain whole.  But you'd DIE.  Cutting off the leg to get out of the trap means that the rest of the body will be altered.  It will be difficult to get used to a body missing a leg - but it CAN be done.  Whether you learn to use a crutch or you get a prosthesis, you will figure out how to make due.  There may be depression getting used to a body that doesn't function as it was intended to.  But you would be ALIVE.  Losing the leg sounds horrific.  UNLESS you compare it to DYING.  Then losing a leg seems like a price you could pay.

It's for this reason that I often tell people that when deciding whether or not to leave, they shouldn't put the choices of "Leave" up against "Don't Leave".  That makes it seem like the choices are "Do Something that will be massive change" up against "Don't do anything and see what happens".  Well, Something WILL happen if you stay.  Maybe it will be the slow decline of your self assurance and belief in yourself.  Maybe it'll be that your heart never gets to love again.  Maybe it'll be that your kids see you as a shell of the person who you could potentially be.  So I always recommend pitting "Don't Leave" against "Stay".  Both are actions.  If you CHOOSE to stay, what's that mean you'll have to give up to do that?  If you take the trajectory of both choices to where they'd likely be in 5 years, how do they compare now?  When I pitted "leave" against "don't leave", I was afraid of leaving.  But when I compared what staying would look like instead, I was TERRIFIED of staying.  I could barely breathe thinking of that reality.

Carl, she's yanking your chain.  And she knows it.  She knows if she were to reveal her true feelings and intentions that several of her friends and relatives would never speak to her again.  So she's trying to have her cake and eat it, too.  Ever watch that show "Hoarders"?  Have you ever heard what they say when asked how their place got to look this way?  "It just got out of control.  I had a few things and then one day I walked in and it looked like this."  WTF?!?!  No.  No it didn't.   I just want to scream at the TV, "YOU brought all those items into the house!  YOU chose where to put every one of those items down.  Maybe you did so thoughtlessly.  But that was your choice, too.  YOU did this, and you knew you were doing it.  You just got used to a different reality, and you ignored the problem until one day a pile fell over on you and you broke your damned leg.  And you stand there, acting surprised.  WHY?  YOU.DID.THIS!"  Your wife did all of this too, Carl.  First of all, she DID know before you married that she was attracted to women.  You can bet your life on it.  Now, maybe she figured that she found a man to create a life with - one who she could make babies with.  And that if she ignored the urges and concentrated on you, the problem would never grow very big.  But she either couldn't or didn't do that.  She started out by admitting that she has lesbian urges.  That was good place to start.  But her intended didn't work out, so she backtracked.  Then she chose to make it look like she was utterly confused - because it would certainly confuse YOU and keep YOU off balance!  NO.ONE thinks they're both asexual and sexual in the same month.  I mean, c'mon!  How's that even work?  Last month it was women who sexually excited her, but now you're going to act like you have no sexual urges whatsoever?  Oh wait - there it is - I feel an urge tickle!  It's BACK!  Now I am attracted to men AND women.  Wait a minute - I think I'm getting a faint signal.  Yes, yes I am.  If I only concentrate on it, I think I could tell you what it says.  Ah, there it is - the signal says that I only like women.  Which you're not.  So don't expect sex from me, because I've learned that I'm only attracted to women."  THAT's what she just told you, Carl.  How's that sit with you now?  Does it still seem like something a best friend would do to anyone?

She can't stay married AND have a lover.  Because marriage means exclusivity.  So she cannot live these two lives without stomping you under her feet like grapes.  Don't let her do that to you, Carl.  Be on YOUR side right now.  She's got herself AND her lover on her side.  If you're on her side too, then she has several people supporting her, and you have NO ONE - not even yourSELF - supporting you.  Who is supposed to look out for you?

You also need to think about what staying with their gay mother is teaching your children.  If one kid knows, the others often know, too.  Because kids talk.  They need the camaraderie.  Then you've got all your kids seeing a woman that doesn't love men, but Dad staying with her anyway.  What's that teaching them?  To lay down their needs for whatever their spouse needs someday?  That their needs don't matter at ALL?  That someone can treat you poorly and it's your duty to stick it out?  That it's the man's job to let his wife do whatever she wants?  I'm pretty sure this isn't the blueprint you want your kids using for their own marriages one day.

Best to you, Carl.  Keep stopping by.

Kel
 

Phoenix, thank you for the reply and I appreciate the bluntness. You're right about feeling like no one's on my side and I haven't represented myself well. 

I'm not good with an open marriage and though she threw it out there, she's done nothing with it.  She is the cause of my first ever anxiety attack and sleepless night. It took a while to see the manipulation and she's good at it. Very good at it. She actually expressed concern that the counselor would make me hate her. I'm not sure I'll need help as this goes along.

I married to be exclusive and that's what I want. I'm not good with her having sex while I play babysitter at home alone. Right now I question my worth in all aspects. I started a dating profile but didn't get far. I don't feel like putting myself into another relationship drama. Plus I worry the next will be a lesbian too. I don't want to be alone but that beats the hurt.

Truthfully, I think the bear trap would hurt less.

I'm busy digging out the legal documents I'll need. I'm in one of the most expensive areas of the nation and housing will be a big challenge but not insurmountable.

One way or another, I will make it.

Thanks, OutofHisCloset, I'll check it out.

Carl

Last edited by Carl (April 18, 2017 3:04 pm)

I wanted to respond to your post earlier but I couldn't figure out how. The part that struck me immediately was "She had kids from her last marriage that became my own." Did they become yours legally through and adoption, in which case you are now their father and have parental rights and responsibilities; have you voluntarily assumed the role of being a father to them in the absence of a biological father in their lives, or do they have a biological father who still fulfills his obligations to some extent?  What you can expect if you and she separate will depend upon which scenario is yours.

If you want to continue to be in these children's lives I would suggest that you consult an attorney now because your wife could change her mind again and move out tomorrow taking them with her. I am NOT suggesting that you stay in this marriage on the terms she has proposed but only that you get correct information on your rights and obligations under the laws where you live. She may have or find a lover who wants her and her children to move in and if she does you may need to act quickly.

By now everyone else has covered the other important survival tips. I'm sorry that you're here but welcome.