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1 of 1- Perplexed
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Is there a difference between bisexual and gay?
After 30 years of marriage with 2 grown up children I have discovered my husband is registered with a gay hook up website! During our marriage he has always been very caring, loving and sexually active with me - in fact always wanted more sex than I did (at times it became a bone of contention) Sex was always normal I.e. Didn't ask for anal. Our sex life has diminished very recently more because I'm not that interested but he is still very loving. This is what I can't fathom out as all my recent research suggests the men generally are not interested in sex pretty early on in the marriage.
Could he be bisexual rather than gay and what does bisexual even mean? Will he eventually want to live as gay? I discovered the website this week and going to ask him about it today.... It's been a total nightmare...can't eat or sleep but pretending all is good. It would be useful to hear from anyone wha has had similar experience.
- maresyd
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Re: Is there a difference between bisexual and gay?
Perplexed, please protect yourself and go get tested for STDs. Regardless of what your husband tells you, you are at risk. He may deny everything. He may not.
In my case, my ex was very sexual, as disclosure became closer, he pushed harder for sex and for having kids. I wouldn't have known the difference between gay and straight if I used that metric.
Unfortunately, he was a deceiver of the worst kind--to himself. He tried hard not to be gay, because of several issues. He lied to himself, to me, to his family and friends.
The best day of my life was when I confronted him not with questions but with the knowledge that I knew he was gay, presented him with my "evidence", and told him I was leaving. I said he had a choice in how he behaved, and that I knew he couldn't help who he loved. He chose to be awful for the next several years. I moved forward. Leaving stopped trips to the emergency room for massive panic attacks, regulated my sleep patterns without drugs, and allowed me to see that there was a whole life I was missing.
Keep posting, we are all here to support you regardless of what you decide, hear, or feel.
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- Kel
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Re: Is there a difference between bisexual and gay?
Hi Perplexed,
What you're going through is very difficult and confusing. But I'd encourage you to look at this from a different perspective. If you'd found him on a st8 dating website, would you be trying to figure out how his sexuality plays into this? Not likely - you'd be concentrating on how he's going behind your back to find other partners. At the end of the day, whether he's st8, bi or gay doesn't matter - he's cheating. You have every right to be angry and upset and confront him.
The point that the gay part comes into play is when they try to act like they were "just curious", and act like they're not attracted to individuals of the same sex, and they therefore won't discuss whether their needs can even be met within the marriage. If it turns out that they cannot be satisfied by a st8 partner, then no amount of working on the relationship is going to fix things. I think we inherently know this, which is why we immediately jump to trying to figure out if we're at a point of no return, or if things are still savable. And that's reasonable. However, do NOT jump over the fact that he's going behind your back to look for some sort of relationship (even if only sexual) when he is already supposed to be in a committed one. Bi doesn't mean that you need BOTH - it means that you are open to both. That means that you aren't limited to only partners of the opposite sex, but the field is open to both sexes. It does NOT mean that you should start searching for multiple relationships when you're in a committed one. There is also an assumption with bi that it means 50/50 - that the bi person is equally attracted to both sexes. But that's not necessarily true. It can be a strong preference for one sex over the other, and just a small concession for someone of the opposite sex. Which may be why sex with you was always in the normal category with regards to frequency and interest. But again, it doesn't matter who else he's attracted to - he's married and committed.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Still Wondering
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Re: Is there a difference between bisexual and gay?
Hi perplexed,
I wanted to respond because I had one of those husbands who was also very different from a lot of the stories we hear on this site. He always wanted sex. And, much the same as your story, it was always him wanting it more and me finding excuses. But it didn't stop the gay porn and it didn't stop the dildos from arriving at my house. In the end, I had just had enough of all of it. He never asked for anything weird either....until the day he bought a strap on dildo for me to wear and use on him. Needless to say, I lost complete interest in sex from that moment on. And what followed was years of me trying to understand why someone would watch gay porn if they aren't gay! I never found an answer. Finally, my only answer was that it just didn't matter...whatever he was, he was not for me.
I agree with the part about getting yourself tested. I ended up with an STD even though I never found any proof of hook ups.
I can't answer the part about knowing if he will ever want to live as gay. Even 4 1/2 years after divorce and 6 years post separation, mine is still dating women. I was also his second wife - so to my knowledge, some of them will never admit to anything. The most I ever got was the admission that maybe he's "bi-curious". wtf does that even mean? It means nothing except that it buys them a little more time to come up with the next excuse.
If he's already on hook up sites then there's way more to this story than you know. Keep reading and posting. it will help you through the worst times.
- Perplexed
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Re: Is there a difference between bisexual and gay?
Thanks for all answers. My husband admitted to the website and has been going infrequently to gay saunas for relaxation for past 3 years. And he has gone to some gay masseurs. Apparently no anal sex - only masturbation and his cock being sucked. So I am safe he says - but I've got a Drs appt next week. He had a lot of verbal interaction with men on website. Claims he is not gay but maybe 30% bisexual? Very remorseful and has agreed to counselling etc etc. Still very very confused but not making any hasty decisions. Doing a lot of reading about bisexual behaviour at the moment.
Last edited by Perplexed (April 13, 2017 5:24 pm)
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Thread Starter- Kel
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Re: Is there a difference between bisexual and gay?
Perplexed,
Please know that usually what we learn is only the tip of the iceburg. Whatever they admit to is usually just a fraction of what they've actually done. They don't want to admit to more, lest it jeopardize their relationship with you.
Herpes can be transmitted orally. So can aids. You are not safe just because he supposedly abstained from anal.
Kel
Last edited by Kel (April 14, 2017 10:58 am)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Is there a difference between bisexual and gay?
Perplexed,
Reading your husband's saying he's only going to gay saunas for "the relaxation" brought to mind my husband's telling me he only wears women's clothing because the material "feels good," as if it's the material the clothes are made out of instead of the fact of their being women's clothes that feels good to him.
Your husband doesn't go to gay saunas for relaxation; any sauna would relax him. He goes to gay saunas because he wants the experience of being with other gay men. In a sauna.
I don't know if you have yet encountered any posts here on the stages of grief (shock, denial, bargaining, etc) but I think when you do you will get a perspective on your reactions--it sounds as if you are in the stage of bargaining (trying to see how to maintain the status quo when the status quo has already changed).