Yeah I definitely have ptsd or something...walked on eggshells for over a year.    Always afraid to enrage the gay narcissist. 

She finally moved out and there is a weight off my chest.  But there is still fear she'll inflict hurt or do some new mean thing.  She has what she wanted now so maybe she'll leave me alone.

Yeah,   we talk about it here.    I have the double betrayal and then on top of it raging narcissism.  ...  then on top of
that I now get to pay the lezex  weekly for the privilege of not being married to her.    So you could say I got quadruple betrayal.

There is nothing we can do..    I have no problem with gay people but with adulterers and home wreckers.     But the gay thing seems to create so many more levels of hurt with us.



 

Post RELATIONSHIP Trauma is real in deceived str8s.  Resources that may help folks understand what many of us go thru: 

1. “The Sociopath Next Door” book by Stout explains who you’ve been gamed by and spaths’ cold, reptilian world view. 
2. Its a very real and normal reaction to what we've been thru.  Laurie Hall’s YouTube videos explain Post RELATIONSHIP Stress Disorder in Str8 folk like us. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCI_pOeVB7q6sGpdLO0qME7Q 

Forge ahead toward the light!

- John 

I have no disagreement with anything in the article that Jill linked to, as far as the article takes it, but these articles never take it far enough. The list of symptoms is accurate and real and relatable. But what irks me about articles like this is that they never say what you're supposed to do about it now that you have a list of symptoms you can agree with, and that still leaves us in victimhood mode.  Look at how they conclude their article:

"Trauma recovery requires re-establishing the safety of the victim."
Great. Thank you very much. And how do I go about doing that, hire my own police force?

"That means setting boundaries and having clear and certain consequences for infractions/violations."
Most of us did not have clear boundaries going into it to begin with, and I have no idea what it even means to set boundaries. Can you at least give an example or two? Otherwise you're speaking a foreign language to me and it sounds like gobbledy-gook.

"Above all, please remind yourself over and over again: you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it."
So what does that mean exactly, that I'm completely helpless and there's nothing I can do to prevent it happening again? That's not reassuring, and in fact it leaves me feeling kind of frightened and anxious, and gives me no power to say it's someone else's fault, and I was just a gullible stooge. That's what you're telling me. Wouldn't it be more helpful and positive to say "You will survive and you will learn from this, you can become a stronger person from it, you will know what to watch out for, and you won't allow it again."

"You were victimized by his affliction, his behavior, possibly traumatically. If you remember nothing else, please know that we know this to be true."
Well, good for you, for knowing something is true on your blog. Can you tell me something more specific that I can do, to start taking better care of myself, and to be more aware of things so that I don't allow it to happen to me again? It doesn't help to inform me that you know it wasn't my fault, and that I was a gullible stooge if you aren't going to tell me how to stop doing that.

I mean, I know the intention is there to be helpful and informative, and I'm over-stretching my snarky response to make a point, but the writer's conclusion leaves me in the same place I was before I read it. It's like going to the doctor, and he says, "Oh, you have a broken leg. You need to stop breaking your leg."  Duh! Thank you, Dr. Obvious.

Last edited by BryonM (July 24, 2016 7:20 pm)

Finding a therapist was the best thing I did, although I didn't start it until sometime after the divorce. I doubt that starting sooner would have made any difference in the final outcome, but it might have prepared me better for the aftermath - the isolation, the depression, and mostly the anger that I was taking out on inappropriate targets without realizing it (co-workers, family members, etc).

Mine is not a specialist in TGT, I don't see how there could be a specialist since we are a hidden population, difficult to research and study because of that. All the books about this seem to be written by someone who has been through it personally, but there don't seem to be any truly academic, rigorous studies, with population and demographic analyses, statistics, validations, peer reviews, etc. It's not a field of study at any university that I'm aware of. That's why a forum like this exists - we're hidden and not well-known or understood. Maybe someday...

Anyway, my therapist was an MFC specializing in grief. I was referred to her by a local community clinic. It made sense to me, since the divorce had already happened, there was no point in a marriage/divorce specialist by then. And everybody experiences grief going through this, not to mention at other events or stages in life. So that seemed a close enough fit.

A few suggestions based on my own experience, along with what I have heard others say about therapy:

1. Commit to six weeks minimum. It takes the first 2-3 weeks for you and the therapist to get to know each other and get past the first hurdles, but you should start to notice some effects after six weeks. It seems a lot of people quit too early (I don't mean just straight spouses), saying the therapist doesn't get it. It takes time to get it, you have to give them a chance and trust them and let them get to know you. It's not like going to your doctor and getting a prescription. How long did it take us to get it about our spouses?

2. IMPORTANT: Check their credentials!! Where were they educated, where were they trained, and by whom. How many years have they been doing this? Have they handled cases like yours before? There are plenty of flakes, fakes and charlatans out there. Ask to see their license, check the status of their license on line, look to see if there have been complaints filed against them. Ask questions at your first session. What should you expect? What is their approach? What is their treatment plan for you? How do they do their work? How does billing work? Are they affiliated with professional organizations, doctors or clinics, etc. ASK QUESTIONS.

3. Be honest, be brave, but don't expect miracles overnight. They are human beings, they are not mind-readers. Give them a chance, and enough of a chance. A good therapist really does want to help, and that will be obvious, even if they are trying to figure out the best way. Don't be afraid to give them a nudge or more direction if you have to. That's what you would do with your general physician if he wasn't "getting it."

4. Let them know when you are dissatisfied with anything. A good therapist will appreciate your feedback, and consider it seriously. A bad therapist will get defensive. But don't just quit, you do yourself a disservice, that's no different than looking the other way when something comes up that you don't want to confront. Is it really that they don't get it (then you need to tell them; how else are they supposed to know?), or are they asking questions that make you uncomfortable, or that you aren't ready to deal with yet? Speak up and tell them.


We often say that only another straight spouse gets it. That may or may not be true, I'm not convinced, it's too much of a generalization for me. The way I would say it is that another straight spouse gets it a lot faster - almost instantly - but that doesn't mean other people can't get it or will never get it or aren't willing to try; it just takes them longer, and it's more work for us at a time when we don't want to do that work for them. But consider this, they're never going to get it if we don't talk about it. Everyone knows grief or pain or heartache. It surprises me when I hear people say they gave therapy a try (I don't mean just straight spouses here), but their therapist didn't "get it" and so they stopped after only two sessions. And there they are just as stuck and miserable as they were before. That's not giving it a try, that's giving up and quitting; at least that's how I see it. I wonder how many of them went into therapy wanting to be proven right, or coddled, or pitied, instead of wanting to do the actual hard work of therapy, and believe me, it is HARD WORK. Everything you believed, thought you knew, were comfortable with, is going to be challenged and questioned and examined, and it ain't easy to perform that autopsy on yourself.

If you go, hang in there enough to give it a fair chance, six weeks at least, certainly more than one or two. Most of all, don't go in there expecting them to help you fix your spouse or marriage, or to diagnose your spouse if they haven't met. What value is that?  You're there to fix you, not him/her.

You'll hear stories about bad therapists, and they are out there. I was fortunate to have a good one, meaning that she sympathized with me but also challenged and pushed me. It's a balancing act, and she did it well, so well that I didn't even notice. I'd leave it to others to tell about their bad therapist experiences and warning signs to steer clear, I can't talk to that because my experience was helpful.

 

Last edited by BryonM (July 25, 2016 5:12 am)