Lisa,
I am so sorry you are going through it.  Everything else aside, you and your child do not deserve the abuse!!!  It is not okay that he treated you that way.  Please don't minimize because I know how easy it is to did.
You mazes me giggle with the Skype comment.  Sometimes we just have to laugh because the pain is just too much to take.

Hugs,
Shari

Lisa4kids wrote:

All the possible gay speculation aside, I don't think I can handle the way he treats me for much longer. Lots of gaslighting and lying going on, he belittled me twice this weekend (and I got called a f-ing B in front of our 12 year old who hugged me hard and tight when he stormed out ) and he went slightly physical by pushing my back as I walked away from him. I'm weepy tonight and that's not helping my ability to think rationally.
I do admit to laughing a bit when I opened his laptop earlier and Skype started up. That's a new addition.

I don't want this life anymore.

I think you are on the right track here Lisa.  You're starting to see that the biggest problem is that he treats you badly.  Being gay is part of the issue most likely, but the real problem is that he's not a good husband.   Calling you awful names with your children present is completely unacceptable.  

"slightly physical" is still physical and it's crossing a very important line.  You now have to be worried about your safety and for your kids.  A man who can't control his temper and reacts physically is not a man you want in your home or around your kids.  

Lisa, have you consulted an attorney yet?  It seems like it's time to start taking some action.  I'm worried for your safety and sanity.  
 

I consulted with an attorney 18 months ago and was told that even if we split we would probably need to still live in the same house due to financial reasons. We could sell our home but he is unemployed at the moment and I've been trying to wait it out till he becomes employed again. I'm also looking for a job but it's hard when you haven't worked in 16 years. Who wants to hire a 51 year old housewife?  I'm not marketable.  I started a travel business last month but I'm still learning and can't count on that.
I feel very stuck and trapped.

Hi Lisa,

I'm so sorry that right now is so tough. 

You're eyes are opening, though; it's not him being gay that is the problem.  It's his being selfish and self-centered.  Honestly, if a person were gay and NOT self-centered, they wouldn't marry a straight person in the first place, because it's not in the straight person's best interest.  When you love someone, you do what's in their best interest.  So the issue always was and will continue to be that he doesn't have your best interest in mind here - he has HIS best interest there instead.  And that cannot be changed by you.  You can tell a person that you need more, but if their focus is on themselves, nothing will change.  Sometimes they manage to treat us better for a bit of time - but even THAT is because they feel it's in their best interest to keep us, so they do what it takes to get what they want.  Literally NONE.OF.IT is for YOUR benefit.

Go today and open your own bank account.  Go somewhere other than the bank you usually have your accounts at.  Have all the correspondence sent via email, so there is no paper trail.  Then open a new email account just for such information.  It's a step toward independence.  Then go consult another lawyer.  Start gathering all paperwork of financial and legal aspects of your life.  It doesn't mean you have to move on the divorce - it means you're preparing yourself to do so if need be.

In the meantime, tell him that he should live in the basement and use that door as his only access.  If he'd like to visit with the kids, you two need to work something out so that he's not just showing up inside the house.  You need to feel some share of safety after what just happened.  Today is a GREAT time time tell him that.  He thinks he can belittle you in front of your child?  He thinks he can put his hands on you?  Well, today you show him where YOU stand on that.  And on his attitude in general.  He thinks (by evidence of him not speaking to you) that he has the upper hand here.  Throw his equilibrium off - show him that he cannot treat you poorly without you taking action.  It's how you SHOULD be acting.  No person should have to endure belittlement, gas lighting, lying, cheating, or abusive behavior.  Show him that YOU will stand up for yourself.  As your husband he should be your protector.  He's obviously not.  So you'll have to do it instead.  If the perpetrator is him, then you protect yourself from him.  And that means ALL of you - not just your body, but your heart and mind, too.  It means putting him a position where he cannot reach those things, because he's proven that he's not worthy to be in a place where he has access to them.  Please believe this deep in your heart.  He has been your husband because you believed that he was worthy of the gift that is you.  He's not anymore.  It doesn't matter if he's changed, or if you misjudged, or if he misled.  He's not worthy of being in a position of power over you and your kids anymore.

Kel

Perhaps your older daughter could move back upstairs so that your husband can move down.  I'm sure if you asked her, she would understand and agree.   You don't have to say anything about TGT even if you think she knows.  She can tell you two are not getting along and I'm sure she would agree that having him in the apartment would be best for everyone. 

Once he's down there, get new locks on the doors.  that might be a little sticky legally, but you need that for your own safety so I'd go ahead and do it. 


I know this is all very hard to process.. all of the people you see on this forum have gone through similar challenges.  

I want you to step back for a second and just take a deep breath.  Literally..  take a deep breath, get up and walk around and clear your mind.. then come back. 

For your sanity and safety please consider this advice. 

Take this a day at a time. 

You don't have to solve all of life's troubles today.  It's overwhelming and there are just too many variables to consider.  You don't have to make very many decisions today.  Leave the stuff in the future for the future.  You'll be better equipped to deal with those challenges later. 

For today...  if you have the strength, just handle a couple of things.  You can choose what two or three things you want to tackle today.  When you've accomplished those things, then relax and take care of yourself for the rest of the day.    

Some ideas:
1.)  Consider who you could ask to be a support network.  You will need local friends and family to count on.  You don't have to reach out yet or stress about what to say.. just start by thinking about who you might be able to count on. 
2.)  Start thinking about finding an attorney.  You can try google searches.  You can typically find a few different attorneys that offer free consultations.  When you are ready, make an appointment. 
3.)  Make a list of questions to ask the attorney.  You're spending so much time trying to answer the questions.. step back for a minute and just make a list of what those questions are.. then you can worry about answering them another day. 
4.)  Start gathering important documents  (you will need to have copies of financial records, birth certs, marriage certs, mortgage docs, car titles, passports, etc.)  This can be a big problem later if your spouse decides to hide them.. so get control over them now so that you don't have to stress later. 
5.)  brainstorm for how to get him to move downstairs. 
6.)  Consider filing a police report for his domestic violence.. pushing you and swearing at you in front of a child is serious.. having this on record will work in your favor in a divorce and it will make him aware that you will not tolerate this in the future. 


Just pick one or two of these things if you are feeling up to it.  Do what you can today and make some progress.. you will feel empowered and strong. 

Stop stressing over how you will pay the bills in a year..  that kind of thing can't be solved today and it will eat you alive. 


You'll get through this Lisa..  You are stronger than you know.