OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- Kel
- Member
Offline 
Re: How are we all doing?
That's good to hear, Duped - that you have access to so much. In today's age though, it's entirely possible for him to give you his real accounts while he uses fake ones to communicate with other men. Outs fairly easy to do. That's why I suggested a key logger.
Yes, he can remove the key logger. But that would signal to you that he's not committed to doing what it takes to put measures into place to not cheat. If he did remove the logger, he'd probably say something like, "It's been long enough - if you can't trust me by now, what's the point of continuing on in this relationship?" That's designed to put you on the defensive - to throw YOU into prove mode - which gets him off the hook. That's when you tell him that this is going to take as long as it's going to take. If he sees no point in continuing, then ther's the door. Then watch him backtrack.
Please know that you have EVERY right to tell him that you think the porn is destructive to your relationship, and that you want it stopped. If he is serious about wanting to keep you, he'll do what it takes to keep you. If he doesn't do what it takes, he either can't or won't did what it takes. Either way you're at an impasse.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- GardenGnome
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
These are a couple of my journal entries that sum up how I've been feeling the last week. The b-day conversations were from last night.
We’ve been planting flowers and veggies the last couple of days. My pants were giving me a bit of plumber’s crack, he didn’t even notice. No comment, not flirtatiousness, nothing. Went to Weis last night for cookout stuff. Mentioned the deli counter guy read and commented on my shirt and casually mentioned he probably just wanted to look at my boobs. LOL. Nothing from him. Didn’t care some guy might be staring at my boobs. Psh. I’m finding our relationship more funny now. His gas lighting doesn’t bother me, his narcissism doesn’t bother me. I’m able to shrug it off because “I see you”. Even him seeing GIDF(friend) doesn’t bother me. It just shows me how much I’ve checked out emotionally from our marriage. Its been a long time coming. We will divorce. I need to hold out for 10 more months!
Yesterday, my older son mentioned that GIDF(I will refer to him as F for friend in the rest of the post) was having a birthday party today but, of course, GIDH had never mentioned it. I wasn’t going to say anything about it unless GIDH mentioned it. Somehow, or some why, we(kids and I) were invited yesterday evening. I said something about wow we’re invited to his party that was never mentioned by you until now. GIDH said, well you weren’t invited until now. I don’t know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I don’t give a shit about F. F*ck him and his birthday. On the other hand, we’ve always been invited to their family gatherings and to be purposely excluded kind of hurts. Does F's wife know we were excluded? Would GIDH and F have made excuses for our absence? But it makes sense. F would only want those he truly cares about there and that is GIDH and only GIDH.
This conversation really opened my eyes to GIDH’s way of thinking. F and his wife went out to dinner, alone, last night to celebrate F’s birthday. F kept asking and begging GIDH to go to dinner with them. GIDH declined because he was going to go out and work in the garden(but never did). I said its pretty sad that he can’t even stand to go out to dinner alone with his wife for one evening for his birthday. GID says, well you can look forward to that being us in 40 years. *mental jaw drop* Is that what we’re to aspire to? To him hating me so much that he doesn’t want to even spend an evening with me?!?!? Who thinks that way? Who thinks, “Hey, I wanna marry this girl and after a few decades we’ll end up hating each other because that’s how marriage is.”? The weird thing is is the fact that I have viewed F and F’s wife's marriage as the way ours will be if we were to stay married and that thought repulses me.
I thought he was going to be my soulmate. I thought he was fighting for us to get married because he loved me as much as I loved him. Instead, he used my love as a cover story for himself. It was easier to marry me rather than go through the whole dating scene to find someone who could be his beard. I was convenient. But I wasn’t the shy, submissive girl he that he remembered. I think this marriage has been a lot harder for him than he expected. Harder to act straight day in and day out. Much harder to act like he loves me every single day.
GIDH also said, yesterday, that he’ll have to get his gardening done before noon, today, to show F that he didn’t blow him off last night so F wouldn’t get upset(or something along those lines). In a normal world, why would he have to prove anything to F? Why couldn’t he say he had spent time with his family(which he did) instead of lying and saying he did do the gardening last night. But this isn’t normal. This is some f*cked up GID reality they live in. Where gardening is a more acceptable activity(when blowing off your date) than spending time with your family. I mean, what kind of f*cked up shit is that?!?!?!?
End journal entries.
I do have to say that it is interesting to watch GIDH and F's interactions with my eyes wide open.
- Dee
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
Isn't it amazing to see their craziness for what it is when we finally do get our eyes wide open? I'm 2 years out of that insanity, and I still have 'aha' moments about things that happened years ago. It must be SO exhausting being them, just a giant hamster wheel of lies.
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
GardenGnome,
That is some insanity as your GIDH juggles you and kids and his gay friend and the friends family.
I would say my ex did the same. If you forget about the gayness for a minute what I saw was the sense of entitlement..of narcissism; they feel they are allowed to have 2 people (ourselves and the their gay lover) competing for them... they feel clever and smarter than us.
I decided I would not compete...my ex was was my wife but shw was not a god, demi-god or supreme being. I have enough self respect left to know I would not play the "pick me" game.
Yes, if amazing as they juggle us and their gay lover/life how they think what they are doing is ok.
Best to work on your exit and get away. I am so glad to be away from that demeaning crazy life.
Last edited by Rob (April 15, 2017 2:51 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- GardenGnome
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
@ Dee: It is amazing to be able to truly see the insanity that goes on with them. I can't even imagine how exhausting it must be to try and keep the lies spinning and in line at all times.
@ Rob: I'm surprised he was able to hide this relationship from me for so long(3 years). I use to believe that he wasn't capable of such huge secrets. I think he got too comfortable with his relationship with F and things started to slip out. Even through all the gas lighting and manipulating and out right lies, I have been able to keep my self respect and not let it get me too down. I haven't played the "pick me" game since about year 4 of our marriage. I have grown out of love with him a long time ago and all the TGT hasn't emotionally bothered me as much as I would have thought it would. He is there at the party right now and I do not feel upset at all. I am sad that when all of this comes out in the open the kids are going to be crushed. Not just that we're getting divorced and why but the fact that F and his wife are like surrogate grandparents of the kids. I'm more angry that they are putting me in this position.
F and his wife have a grown son who live 4 hours away and F's wife doesn't like to be around her husband too much because he's a jerk and stays away from the house most evenings. So our husbands are able to spend a lot of alone time together without anyone being the wiser. He also doesn't usually spend a lot of time with me or the kids. I would say that 80% of the time he treats us like we're more of an annoyance and must be avoided. The other 20% he's an okay father and husband.
I have a 10 month goal to get things in order for separation(our state requires it) and then with moving a few states away, and then divorce. I am happier knowing there is light at the end of this tunnel and I do not have to look forward to my husband continuing to despise me for the next 40 years.