Duped,

Friends don't need to be close by to offer their support.  Sometimes getting on the phone and pouring your heart out to one is all you need for a few days.  Have you and the friend you just moved away promise to keep in touch?  If so, then reach out to her!  Tell her that you know she's busy and likely overwhelmed right now, but that your friendship is invaluable to you, and you really need her ear at this point in your life.  Ask if there's a good time for her to call you.  Don't give her up when you most need her.  Friends will be there for you.

I know you don't really want to completely detach from your ex yet, but please consider that keeping contact with your ex in order to occasionally rage at him is actually stoking the fire.  TWO fires, actually - one being the ties that bind the two of you, and the other being the anger.  Anger does need to be processed and let out, but letting it out repeatedly to the offender won't make things better.  Say your piece and be done with it.  Stop beating the dead horse.  Leaning on him is futile - he literally cannot do what you want him to.  As your friend, you want to lean on him through the hurt, confusion and anger.  But as the person who caused you thosefeelings, he cannot objectively be on your side without being against himself.  He can't do that.  It's not reasonable to expect it, because you will continually be disappointed.  Sooner or later this detachment needs to happen, and at the current rate, it'll likely be him who ends the communication because it holds nothing for him whatsoever.  So do yourself a favor and decide that YOU are going to be in charge of the timing of that.  Don't let him decide that, too.

Kel

I think there's a part of us that thinks, "What's the harm of some benign (the have a great week) texts?  It's good to stay friends.  But really, it's just prolonging a connection that will likely not serve you in any manner as the years roll by.  We tend to stay more kind acquaintances with our exes, if that's even possible.  That means if and when you bump into each other in public, you make nice chit-chat.  We don't usually wind up as TRUE friends with our exes - no matter what the scenario of the break-up is about.  It's just not good for us in the long run.

I think a lot of us want to stay friends because we're scared to completely sever the tie.  In reality, it's often the quickest pathway to the pain ending.  Until you make that final break, it's like you're holding your breath until you do.  Rip that band aid off.

If you have no reason to stay in contact (like a child together, or you still need to get possessions from the other person), then have your phone block their text or automatically send their messages to v.m.  Do NOT text back - not the word "Thanks", no "Whatever", not "Because of you I don't trust people!"  Hold your nose and jump.

Kel

phoenix wrote:

This week was hard because my ex's sister unfriended and blocked me from facebook.  It hurt because she didn't just unfriend me.. didn't just close a door.. she actually blocked me, which insinuated that perhaps she doesn't trust me.  I'm not sure what my ex said to her.   It's just dissapointing because I had hope to maintain some form of contact and still remain part of their lives (though understandably in a much diminished standing).    

Hope everyone has an amazing weekend.. After all the crummy weather this week, hopefully we can all get some sunshine and get a chance to get outside and enjoy spring. 

phoenix, you can't control what others do on their social media accounts. I was dropped by a few on the in-law side and there were a few I dropped for very good reasons. Surprisingly this doesn't include my ex although we rarely comment on each others posts other than the occasional "like" button.

I got dumped on overnight by about 2-3 inches of snow. I'm avoiding shoveling at any cost!! Let it melt on it's own, I'm so done with it!
 

Ditto to what many have said, thank you, sincerely, Kel, for sharing your experience, strength and hope with all of us, no matter what stage of the journey we are on. We are not alone, and we are so much stronger together. Thank you for reminding us of that and shining some light on the truth, especially to those of us who feel like we're desperately struggling in the dark.

My husband is still out of town until tomorrow night, and I am enjoying every tension-free authentic moment of it.

Rob,
 You have spoken a wise and hard earned truth when you say asking for comfort from the person who is hurting you is like asking the robber who just robbed you for help.  That was exactly the insight that prompted me to move out of our joint bedroom and into one of my own.  I had been lying night after night next to my husband, reaching out for touch and comfort or to initiate sex and being rebuffed, and finally I realized I was asking for comfort from the person who was putting me in the position to need it.  Click!  And I added that insight to the board, like a detective's case board, and a little more of the overall picture came into focus.  There are still nights I lie awake wishing for love and comfort, but at least I know where I am not going to get it and no longer ask "the robber" for it.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 8, 2017 1:06 pm)