Struggling here.  I am 4 months past disclosure.  My STBX has moved out of the home, so that helped a lot.  REALLY hard on the kids.  I spend most of my time and energy just getting through the day.  Fighting for what I need to fight for.  The kids' emotional needs are huge and completely understandable.  I know I'm doing the right things (therapy, refreshing the house, new normal at home, better routines, more positive atmosphere...)  But because all of you truly understand what it is to go through this, I don't have to have my brave face on at this moment.  This is awful. 

I'm so mad and also just heartbroken.  Don't get me wrong, there are happy times right now too, but this whole thing is even harder than I thought it would be.  It is truly helpful to be able to read your stories and see that you all survived this part. 

Tam

Treuth wrote:

I actually stood up for myself and spoke my truth. He's terrified of what he has to lose.
I know that divorcing is the right thing to do for my sanity and my peace of mind. I wish there was an easier, softer way, but I know there's not. I've made the decision, now it's all about finding the courage to take the next right actions. I seem to be in limbo-or perhaps purgatory is more accurate-just biding my time. Waiting for what I'm not really sure. .

Oh, Treuth. Yes. Today is actually my birthday. The frenzied attempts got me hard today. He sent flowers to my classroom today, which he's never done, in 8 years. His love bombing has been over the top; he says "I love you" about 14 times in 5 minutes, gets hurt if I don't parrot it back at least once, asks for hugs constantly and begs for me to hold his hand. These are just the constant little things.
I scheduled a consultation with a rockstar attorney today, who's received family law awards and specializes in helping with the transition. I'm sitting here, feeling like an asshole, to be honest.
After I don't even know how many years of purgatory, waiting for I don't know what - for him to come out?? - closing my eyes and enduring sex, muttering gay fantasies so he would be done faster and I could run out and clean myself - for a total of 5 times in 18 months - yes, I still feel like a horrible asshole for going behind his back and scheduling a consult with this attorney.
He thinks we can go to counseling together and fix everything. I intend to go in and ask for help making this an amicable split for the kids.
And I do want there to be a progression toward the end of this. I've sat in purgatory for far too long. I can't spend another birthday like this. I won't.
Why do I still feel like the asshole?

maresyd wrote:

Eliza, 

Happy Birthday.  Give yourself a gift and stop calling yourself an asshole.  You aren't.  You know what you want, and deserve.  The kids are small, they will adjust.  So will you.  So will he.   Perhaps in the future you can stay friends. 

Thank you so much for that. I needed it. I hope so much that we can progress in an amicable way. And, I hope that away from me, he will truly look at himself and peel away enough layers to eventually see what he really wants. He wants to want me. But, for all the time he had me, he always wanted men on the side. Maybe one day it will be clear.

Leah – it can be frustrating to feel like you’re stalled, especially if you feel like you’re stalled because you don’t see the next stone to step onto.  It's okay to just sit a while until the next step comes to you, though.  As long as you're not afraid to take steps when the next stone appears, you'll be fine.
 
Rob – you may be right; some of us may move on more quickly than others because we didn’t/don’t have PTSD.  I’ve for sure never had it.  I have no idea why, though; Lord knows I’ve had enough stuff to have it over.  But I think you’re right on that one.
 
Treuth – It can be really frustrating when your spouse is trying to pull out all the stops to make things better.  It can make you step back into the mess, because after all, this is some of the change you’ve been wanting!  It’s difficult not to gravitate toward it.  It helped for me to focus on the fact that he wasn’t changing to make ME happier – he was trying to make me happier so I wouldn’t leave.  It could easily be viewed as him finally appreciating what he has.  But I saw it as the ultimate selfishness – he didn’t care about my happiness EXCEPT when it meant that it would affect him.  So it was easy to resist, for me.
 
I think your husband’s views on female submissiveness are pretty ridiculous.  I tilt my head back because my husband is almost a foot taller than me.  And I rarely put my head on his shoulder, although he often leans over and puts his head on my chest when we lie in bed at night – so I can stroke his (bald) head while we lie there talking and watching TV.  I hardly think he’s doing it to be submissive.  Maybe that’s what the whole thing is about with your husband – he wants to be submissive, and he sees females as being inherently submissive, so he therefore wants to be female.  Who knows.
 
I struggle with the trans narrative, too.  I find it difficult to watch any of the reality shows about such things objectively.  It’s not that I want trans or any sexually confused people to just bottle it up.  But sometimes I see something like a boy trying to become a girl, and he’ll say something like, “I don’t know why it’s so difficult for my parents to accept that I’m a GIRL”, and I want to shout “Because you’re a BOY!!!” at the T.V.  While someone’s changing their sex should be none of my business, neither do I think we need to embrace it as if someone were just deciding to color their hair or get braces – like an item you can just choose off the shelf.  It’s a MUCH bigger deal than that.  Treat it as such.
 
Duped – NEVER hesitate to post!  I open these discussions up precisely because of that, though.  Many of us seem to have personality qualities that are similar.  And one is that we’re NOT selfish.  So we tend to not want to make it about us unless we’re in a bad, bad way.  But we need to look at this as more of a place of conversation vs. counseling.  When you’re in counseling, you go at a specified time, to talk about a specified subject, and you have a limitation on that length of time.  But I get so much counseling from friends that I can just talk to.  Just talking means that we have to put our thoughts out there in some constructed manner, which forces us to go through thinking when we might not have otherwise.  Sometimes my truths about how I feel about things are practically revealed to ME when I hear the words come out of my mouth.  I want this place to be like that – a place where we converse and can work through our stuff.
 
As for your bf not being your husband, it doesn’t hurt your heart any differently.  Marriage often brings more entanglements – shared properties, children, merged families.  But the individual pain of rejection and being lied to is the same no matter if you two have signed a piece of paperwork or not.  No one here will downplay your relationship status.
 
Tell me more about the no contact thing and how it’s challenging.  Who is contacting whom, and about what sorts of things?  I take it the two of you no longer live together.  Do you have any reason to remain in contact (meaning the sale of a property, kids, etc.)?
 
Foolme – A lot of our exes go through this adolescent phase of self-centeredness and sexual discovery after they finally come out.  Certainly after they’re freed from being with us.  It’s maddening, but common.  Try not to take it personally – it isn’t (nor was it ever) about you.  It’s about HIM.  When you see such behavior, instead of thinking “HOW can he behave this way???”, instead think, “Thank GOD I got away from him when I did.”
 
As for him blaming you – of course he does.  Because he’s not strong enough to take the blame himself.  He’s throwing you under the bus to save himself.  Very cowardly.  This too shall pass.  Those that believe him and treat you poorly deserve to be cut out of your life.  Some will come ask for your side.  Some will just know there are two sides to everything, and his doesn’t sound like you at all.  Some will be kind no matter what they believe.  It all comes out in the wash, as they say.  They’ll all eventually see.
 
As for finding something to fill a few evenings per week, why not go find something that makes you feel wonderful?  Maybe walking/feeding dogs at your local pet rescue.  Or volunteering somewhere with people less fortunate.  It will take the focus off of your outlook and literally change it.  Comb the internet and newspapers for ideas.  Don’t stop until you find something intriguing.  J
 
Abby – great ideas!
 
Piper – The sex question comes up and it was one thing people asked me when I revealed to them that my ex was gay; “How can he be gay – don’t you two have children?”  As if the ability to ejaculate in the presence of a straight woman means that he can’t be gay.  But the answer doesn’t matter – the end product does.  If you try to answer “Is he gay?” question by using the evidence that sex USED to be good, then that’s kind of missing the point.  Maybe he was at a point then (in the beginning) where he was more bi than he is now.  Maybe he was at a 2 then on a scale of 1-10 (10 being totally gay), and now he’s at an 8.  It can and often times is progressive.  So it doesn’t really matter that he could and did have good sex with you often, and masterfully at that.  And it IS entirely possible that you don’t have enough experience to know that his masterful wasn’t all THAT masterful.  But in the end, you’re left holding what you’ve got.  And it wasn’t good.  It doesn’t matter what used to be.  If we all looked back to our wedding day and thought, “HOW can this marriage have gone so bad when he used to love me so much?”, it doesn’t mean that he still loves you that way.  We know this.  For some reason though, the gay thing transcends that.  Don’t let it.  The relationship and happiness (or lack thereof) that you had in the end is the truth now.  That’s all you have.
 
Tamian – I’m so sorry that you’re going through so much right now.  Watching your kids be in pain is the single hardest part, if you ask me.  They will get through this, though.  In some ways, it’s a great focus for you; you can’t be too busy being down when you’re working on making them happy.  It will get better, though.  My daughter in particular really missed her father in the beginning – especially after coming back home after a weekend with him.  She’d be home for a bit, and then start crying that she missed him.  She rarely did this after the night of the return, but did that often in the beginning.  And it’s hard – how do you console someone about missing someone that you think is an asshole?  I did a lot of distracting – looking through funny pictures on my phone, singing silly songs, playing games.  She never misses him now.  He’s shown her his true colors long ago, though.  It will get better, though.  The beginning is the hardest.
 
Eliza – happy belated birthday!!!
 
You feel like an asshole because 1) you hate to do anything that hurts another person – even if it’s not intended to, and b) because your innate personality lends itself toward guilt, and c) he has done nothing to help you away from feeling that way.  It’s too damned bad that in order to do what’s necessary for you that someone else isn’t going to get what they want.  But that’s just…. Life.  It could have been different, but he made sure to take what he always needed.  It’s your turn.  Try to envision what you’d tell a friend in your shoes, and then tell yourself that.  REPEATEDLY.  You deserve to get out alive – make that happen.  There are many a person out there who would be told “I don’t want to be with you anymore” and would just say, “Okay”, and then go lick their wounds.  Just because your husband isn’t one doesn’t mean that you have to feel guilty.  His fighting the divorce should show you how much staying married means to him – for whatever reason.  But if YOUR happiness was never important until now, then walk away knowing you’ve done all that you could.  Sometimes it’s just too little, too late.  And that’s okay. And it’s okay to say that, too.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (April 7, 2017 10:46 am)

Kel wrote:

Duped – NEVER hesitate to post!  I open these discussions up precisely because of that, though.  Many of us seem to have personality qualities that are similar.  And one is that we’re NOT selfish.  So we tend to not want to make it about us unless we’re in a bad, bad way.  But we need to look at this as more of a place of conversation vs. counseling.  When you’re in counseling, you go at a specified time, to talk about a specified subject, and you have a limitation on that length of time.  But I get so much counseling from friends that I can just talk to.  Just talking means that we have to put our thoughts out there in some constructed manner, which forces us to go through thinking when we might not have otherwise.  Sometimes my truths about how I feel about things are practically revealed to ME when I hear the words come out of my mouth.  I want this place to be like that – a place where we converse and can work through our stuff.
 
As for your bf not being your husband, it doesn’t hurt your heart any differently.  Marriage often brings more entanglements – shared properties, children, merged families.  But the individual pain of rejection and being lied to is the same no matter if you two have signed a piece of paperwork or not.  No one here will downplay your relationship status.
 
Tell me more about the no contact thing and how it’s challenging.  Who is contacting whom, and about what sorts of things?  I take it the two of you no longer live together.  Do you have any reason to remain in contact (meaning the sale of a property, kids, etc

Kel, you are so so kind to address us each and our specific problems. Me and my ex never lived together but this is my second bad relationship in a row, the last one was into much darker things than gay porn. I spent years saving my heart then this happened again. We don't have any reason to remain in contact, but he is there and all my family are miles away, my best friend moved away today and I seem to have lost any real friend connections. I have work pals and a good friend from my old job but I haven't seen her for ages and she works with him so it's awkward, I haven't told her we broke up, I definitely can't tell her why. And he's just there now at my beck and call and it takes the edge off to talk, or shout or get angry at him. He is in such a state, I miss his company, I know it's for the best but we always seemed happy just chilling with each other, neither of us are very extroverted. Now we just seem to have each other to talk to and I can't get as comfortable with anyone else. Usual story I suppose. I can try and reconnect with my friend from my old job, I'm sure she'll be happy to but it means telling her stuff and I know he hasn't told anyone where they both work so I don't want to make things worse for him. I just moved my friend today so am a bit more sad tonight, I feel like I don't have anyone much to call on near here. Thank you Kel, you are so thoughtful to us all.