Yeah leah,  I recall happy times from my marriage but realize I can never go back.  Only way now is forward.

I'm doing ok. Just ok. Still adrift. I have some ptsd I have to address to help "move on".  Its odd..having both ptsd from the past and a nostalgia for the parts before TGT.
It will be about a year I think.  I believe the people that move on quickly did not have TGT or perhaps they are able to look forward more. 

So good days and bad days but they are nothing like the hell I went through with the TGT season.  This is a new season.

I really needed you all and this thread today.  In fact, I got online to read the latest and was so happy to have found your query, Kel.  

Overall, I'm doing ok.  Still with my husband who dropped his trans bomb a little over two years ago now, but making moves in preparation to separating from him.  I'm seeing a therapist who has given me some good strategies for distancing myself and detaching, and I'm making progress on disengaging and resisting his moves to re-secure me.  I've made plans to be away this summer, and getting those plans in place means I can plan my moves for the fall and next year.  
  However, today is not a good day.  Living with him (although we don't share a bedroom) brings constant reminders that although he has removed his feminizing activities from view; he's not dressing in women's clothes and lounging around in plain sight in the morning any more, an action that always made me feel he was simultaneously diddling himself (and didn't care that I was watching) and having a morning tete a tete with his new woman crush (the one he'd like to be), he's still engaging in these activities.  Yesterday it was a couple of things.  First, the sight of his razor in the shower (so he can shave his chest hair and underarms), which makes me realize that I've still been unconsciously doing the "pick me dance" (thanks, Chump Lady)--pick me and a relationship with your actual wife over you desire to feminize yourself and the woman you like to imagine you are; second, the realization last night, watching tv and seeing a husband and wife lying in bed, her head on his shoulder, that my husband was probably sitting there projecting himself into the woman, because he has said that when a woman lies on her husband that's a sign of her submissiveness (rather than just the husband being taller), just as is a woman standing and leaning her head back to tilt her lips up for a kiss (again, not just because she's shorter), and sexual submissiveness is the way he defines woman.
  And then, today at work (I work at a university), getting an email about an upcoming talk about how transpeople negotiate the medical system--and I kept thinking of SRS, and how it's sold as if it were no more than a manicure, and it just blew me over.  I wrote a few months ago on a bad day when it felt as if the result of my experience has been to distance me from my intellectual colleagues, and I'm having that feeling again today.  I feel so sad about that, but also angry at my colleagues for their uninformed and uncritical embrace of all things trans.  
  Just a shitty, shitty day, albeit in an overall situation that I am going to end this post by reiterating is improving. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 5, 2017 2:51 pm)

Great post Kel,

I'm 17mths post TGT, 6mths since moving to new house, waiting for divorce date, there's been a delay with court requesting more paperwork, hopefully it'll happen soon. We are mainly no contact, only when absolutely necessary and it's business like.

Still the hardest thing for me is the narcissism that's been displayed since his outing - finding out your husband of 28+ years was meeting up with random guys for sex, watching gay porn, going to gay saunas for 25+ years was hard enough to comprehend at the time but his behaviour since then is actually far worse than the deceit and betrayal. It's frightening that someone can blame the str8 spouse so much that they not only believe it themselves but have convinced his family of it too. Any contact is riddled with vitriol and venom, I guess he has convinced himself so much that I'm at fault and he's the primary victim.

But enough about him, I'm doing ok, try meeting up with friends about twice a week to fill some evenings. I know I need to go get a life, get involved in something that takes up a night or two a week, just haven't found what yet. I KNOW the house move the absolutely 100% the right thing to do, I feel the house I bought was put on the market solely for me, it was fate, it's very comforting to feel that. I'm sleeping better now, can't say I sleep a full night every night but it's much better than it was. I KNOW life now is so much better than still being used as a beard, still being fooled and conned, it's better to finally know than not - I'd never suspected anything like this of him, he had believable covers, never found any evidence, it was all hidden, he was just closed off, had a massive brick wall built around him and I thought the withdrawal of intimacy was just he wasn't bothered, asexual and made allowances as he was a good man, great provider, not abusive. Looking back he was just using me and our children as a cover, holding off until they were reared and left the home to let his secret life "slip" out.

Ooops, back to talking about him!! I'm putting the best foot forward, fake it till you make it. Netflix is one of my best friends these days

I was up all night. As some know, I'm very new here, with a seriously GID estranged husband. It's so odd. I have zero tangible proof of his gayness, yet I know in my mind that he is gay. I put down the wine bottle a month ago and started examining his behaviors. So much has risen to the top like steam.  I'm not sleeping because the "proof" zooms into my head and I'm just shocked! I have an attorney and left him a month ago. I read about some who had the honeymoon phase where the gay spouse romances them and begs them back. Mine has done this same thing over the years when I'd leave him. He is NOT doing it this time. So it's easy to mistake my bruised ego for a broken heart. He once said, "If someone cut me open, I'd bleed your DNA." Oh, he can be so romantic. And just when I grasp the notion that he's gay, I remember the years of wonderful sex. How can a gay husband have "great" sex in the beginning years? However, when I follow the sex trail onward, I see that he no longer looks at my body, doesn't kiss me, shows no emotion. I am 55 and feel like I am too old to start over. But what choice do I have.
So I'm taking care of myself with lots of yoga and 12-step meetings. I'm reading Eckart Tolle's "The Power of Now." My question is about the sex. Can gay husbands in denial perform masterfully? Anyway, blessings to all.