Run Eliza. We must begin thinking with our heads instead of our hearts so much. We fear the future instead of embracing it. Most things that we fear never happen.  Jump ship my dear. Plug your nose if you must but save yourself.

Just wow eliza.. did he ever realize he's going to lose you and pour on the affection .


I can't say this happened to me except for a brief time when she was suddenly sex crazy as if deciding if she was straight or should she cheat.

Some thoughts...neither yay or neigh but stating things as a therapist would do: 

Why didn't he do any of this before?

Like when you quit a  job and they offer you a counter offer..why did you have to quit to get the raise?    And if you accept the counter offer what grudges and slights will be held against you?

Why was he thinking there would be no repercussions to his actions?

He can do xyz. But you can't text a guy friend?  Where is his trust?

If he goes out for a beer with the guys is it friends getting together or a group date?  How can he prove otherwise?


If he has not touched you before and considered that humane and proper treatment of a wife why is he suddenly offering that as ok to be needed?

Will he stop all contact with xyz and have no passwords on his phone and computers?

So hard...these spouses think they can take it back ...I kind of knew my gay ex was incapable of ever back peddling ..she destroyed the marriage with reckless abandon and extreme malice.  I'm so not qualified to comment on a back peddling spouse. They call it hoovering and love bombing for a narcissist.  I think its up to how well we know our spouse to know if they are sincere or not.  But then we thought we knew them.

The other thing is that you may think that your kids are happy.  I thought mine were.  It's what stopped me from leaving all those years - breaking apart their family.  After all, it wasn't THEIR fault that their father was an ass.  Eventually, I just couldn't do it any more.  I wanted to show my kids that you don't just continue on in a bad situation because you started the journey.  There was no prize at the end for sticking it out.  I'd get to SAY I stuck it out, but that was all I'd get.  And that was....... nothing.  I wanted my children to see a GOOD example of marriage, or no example at all.  I didn't want to show them this mediocre, roommate-like situation and have them think this is what they should look for or accept someday.  I wanted our home to ring with laughter and be full of hugs.  I wanted them to gross out at their parents smooching in the kitchen.  I had nothing of the sort before - first and foremost because my ex wasn't interested in any of that.  But also because I was just plowing through.  Plowing through is fine - ONCE in a while.  It should not be the modus operandi.  It should not be norm.

Turns out that despite my assessment of the children, they could sense that we weren't happy.  And when I found love again, they began to tell me how much happier I was.  I never thought that I showed any of that sadness - truly.  I am an individual who laughs all the time and looks at the bright side of things.  I thought I'd done that all along.  My daughter tells me that she wants someone just like my current husband - someone who shows concern for my well-being even when I don't.  Who insists that the door be held open for me, and that I don't do physically heavy work that will cause me harm (bad back).  Heck, he doesn't even like it if I need to run out late (ie. past dark) to get something necessary - he'll let me go get the medication that I forgot I needed, but he'll insist he go with.  Why?  Not because he can't trust me, or because he thinks I can't protect myself (I'm about as independent as they come).  He does it because I'm precious to him, and he's not letting me put myself in any danger because his world would crash if something happened to me.  He's very clear about that in his actions.  So yes - my dd wants the same for herself.  And my boys see and example of how they should love their wives someday themselves.  And my home hums with happiness, amidst the homework and all the teenage angst.  Because I am fortified daily.

Whenever I bump into people I haven't seen for years (whether they're dear old friends or more on the acquaintance end - like parents of my kids' schoolmates, for example) - they will outright tell my current husband that they're so grateful to him for making me so happy.  Now, I brag on the man a LOT, but these aren't people I brag to - these are people who likely only see me on FB now.  I don't post a ton about my persona life on FB, either.  I almost never brag about a newer car or gifts or even the home we just purchased.  Because I know it can make others feel shitty about their own lives.  I rarely post pics of dh and I together doing something fun unless it also contains the kids - lest the get jealous.  So HOW are these people seeing the difference of how happy I am now????  I.Don't.Know.  But I know that I am so much happier that it must shine out through my pores or something.  Whatever it is, EVERYONE can see it.  My parents, my siblings, coworkers, acquaintances.  I'm that much different.  And I didn't think I even showed my disappointment before.  I hear this stuff all.the.time - and I've been with my current dh for over 5 years now.  A newer relationship overall - but long enough that I shouldn't be in the ga-ga phase any longer.  This is the real deal.

If you're unhappy, don't fool yourself into thinking that your kids are living an idealistic home life.  It's just.not.true.

Kel

Eliza,
 Thank you for creating this thread.  I, too, am experiencing one of these phases, and it really helps to keep my perspective to see what you and others say, as I can remind myself that these actions, too, are part of a recognizable pattern.  
 I started therapy on my own last month, which put my husband in a panic, apparently, as he has now twice bought me wine, flowers, and chocolates (all three at once), although he has never done this before in 35 years of marriage.  Twice in the last week he offered a back or neck rub, something he has only done except as part of a "I'll give you one if you'll give me one" deal but never as a generous spontaneous act of caring. 
  I can't imagine what it is, exactly, that's motivating him, but I do know it's not out of any genuine concern for me; as Kel said, "it wasn't important that Iiiiii was unhappy until it meant that HE'D be unhappy."  I know that he is trying to re-secure me, and it isn't working.  In fact, because it's such a self-centered and transparent move it's off-putting--and makes me lose more of what little respect I have for him.