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1 - Linda
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Cancun
I should have handled it better. I don't know why I was taken back by the news. Just a quick overview: married 26 years, husband watched gay porn on and off for past 15 or so years, finally met Ricky" on craigslist and hooked-up in a local hotel for sex. Also had another "friend" last summer which he denies having sex with even when this mutual "friend" (we both have know him for a long time), told me that my GIDX invited him upstairs so they could beat each other off. They were hardly ever apart last summer. I loved him deeply but knew I had to divorce. He went to extensive counseling for three years and now has a girlfriend who he plans to marry.
just five minutes ago I was talking to my daughter. Her dad, the girlfriend, our daughter and her boyfriend are making plans to go to Cancun. GIDX and I have gone there many times together while we were married and had a blast. Now I get this news, and for some reason I froze. Daughter and I got into a bit of an argument about her dad. "You were the one who divorced him mom. You could have stayed married." I had to honey, your daddy's gay". "Well he isn't gay now mom. He is with a woman and if he was really ever gay he seems to be straight now". Daughter was quite upset with me and blames me for not giving her dad a chance. I have been doing better. The new "woman" in his life was a setback for me and now a family trip that we should have taken our daughter on as a married couple is no more. Still, I am doing better that I thought with the news and feel somewhat empowered.
In the back of my mind however, like many of us here, wonder if........could he be now attracted to his new girlfriend and really want only her? 
- Still Wondering
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Re: Cancun
Hi Linda,
I'm sorry you're still going through this...15+ years later. Mine too has had girlfriends that I've had to hear about from other friends who are hanging out with them like it's perfectly normal. Just remember, his life is a farce. Whether or not the new GF knows it now doesn't matter. She will.
As for your daughter, some might disagree with me but since she's grown, on her own, and already in the know, I'd basically tell her shame on her for thinking you'd break up a marriage and a family over something you weren't 100% sure about. I forget your exact situation but if you have proof, share it with her. Again, it may not be the nicest thing to do , but it really chaps my ass when people lie to their children. Own up to your life, people! My ex even has a daughter who just came out as lesbian and he STILL hasn't said a word.
- Rob
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Re: Cancun
Yes..they all go to disneyworld, cacun, insert fun parent vacation place here.
Wish them and your daughter well.
Make sure you give her no money for her trip and say you hope they have a blast.
Your daughters statement is naive and heartless but is typical teenager. If she's an older adult shame on her. I know my kids have no idea what I went through...I doubt they ever will.
All we can do is live our own lives.
No contact is best...we really don't need to know what they are doing. You know in a couple of years your ex and the woman will be having problems..no vacation can solve his GID issues. Him going anywhere with the woman and marrying her does not make his straightness true. Your daughter has no idea what it's like.."well he's straight now"...no concept..just typical teenager.
Wonder who's shoulder she'll cry on when her boyfriend leaves her..
Count your blessings you no longer have to deal with his issues...there is no amount of money or any vacation you can give me that would make me want my ex back. If she said she was taking the kids on vacation I'd do exactly what I said...wish them all well.
You have a use for him..he can take the kids on vacation. Remember he's spending money on the kids which you don't have to. I'm fine with no vacation..being away from my ex is vacation enough for me.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Abby
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Re: Cancun
My husband announced after 30+ years of marriage that he was gay and wanted a divorce. At the time he was hanging out with a lot of gay guys and seemed to be in love with one. So you would think that after all that he would be pretty sure of who he was and what he wanted.
To my surprise some months after the divorce I learned he was dating a woman. I wondered what she knew about his past love life and thought that perhaps she did and it didn't matter to her. It did not really trouble me though because it wasn't my business and my mantra had become "Whatever he is he isn't for me."
Would you really want to be back in a hotel room with him, even in Cancun, knowing what you know/have known for years? Even in the most romantic settings something seemed to be missing when I was with my husband: passion, sexual tension, anticipation. He could stay in a bathroom for hours until I would fall asleep. Now I know what he probably was doing and why.
I don't know whether he or the woman ended that relationship but he now is very serious again with a man. Either way I don't care because I have my life back and am trying to make the most of the time I have left.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Linda
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Re: Cancun
Yes thank you for your response. I hesitate to give daughter all of the details and she does know that he met a man to have sex with him. She believed him to be gay but now with the girlfriend and him telling her that I was always turning him down for sex (last five years he couldn't perform; after 30 minutes of us trying and dick would stay limp (even with all of the natural ed pills that he thought were helping...lol I would just say: "this isn't working" UGH! He can justify things like that. He can say that I turned him down and in his mind it is true because I would "give up" when I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I am a sexual woman and I enjoyed sex with my GH! When he was around 50, and years of gay porn he just couldn't do it with me anymore. Even with all of this and the twinge I feel when I hear this stuff, about his new and exciting life, I am aware of an inner strength that I did not have before. I no longer cry over stuff like this where before I was such a mess. I finally took up walking and have dropped 15 pounds of depression weight! It has helped me to once again begin (I said begin) to feel good about myself. I also reluctantly accepted a date for this week. It has been four year this summer since disclosure and one and a half years divorced. Onward and upward!!
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Thread Starter- Linda
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Re: Cancun
Thank you. ALL of you. I am so grateful that I can post a struggle and get such encouraging responses. When something like this happens and I fall back a little I know that I can run to my support group and receive the push I need in the moment of struggle. I love you my friends!!
- •
Thread Starter- Linda
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Re: Cancun
Abby, I read your post over and over. I sure needed to know that I don't NEED to know about him. I have gone no contact which has really pushed me forward only to hear by accident of the Cancun trip. I still feel that life is coming back. Why did it take so long for me? Almost four years of crying, shaking and just treading water to get through those years. I truly never thought I would feel any type of joy again. I didn't give up however and depend on God to keep me hanging on. Now as Spring is in the air I am truly coming to life. God bless us every one! lol!
- •
Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Cancun
Linda,
I don't know how long it will take for me. All I know is I need my alone time now to get over the trauma.. alone is safe.. to learn how to live on my own after so many years.
A friend said his sister was divorced now 6 months and is dating already. For a minute I thought oh should I be dating? Then I realized his sister probably didn't have a gay husband. And it takes time for us to process TGT. I'm ok where I am right now.
Good for you linda..you go on your date and enjoy time with someone.
I'm so amazed now..the people I talk to and interact with are so.. normal..compared to my ex.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Still Wondering
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Re: Cancun
Oh wait - she's not a teenager is she? I'm assuming she's a grown adult, 20 or 30 something. If not then I have your story confused with another one of our people and I take that suggestion back about offering proof!
In your other posts I see that she knows she had sex with a man. Whatever her age, if she knows that and feels like it's ok to have cheated and also have been with someone of the same sex and thinks you should be ok with that then there's not much you can do about that - at this point. I think his future behavior will clear all of this up. He'll get caught again. And....at the same time, why does he feel it's ok to discuss that "you always turned him down for sex". Geez. So, assuming she's older then I'd say "it's on" if he wants to discuss your sexual past that openly!! Why should he get his say and you can't defend it? And then I end up back in the same place - I hate that he's lying to his adult kid!
You're in such a tough spot. I'm so glad to hear you're in a place where you're not letting it bother you as much and that you've found your inner strength.
- Foolme
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Re: Cancun
Linda, enjoy your date, whether it leads to more or not, just enjoy it for what it is...........a night out with a straight male (hopefully!!!)
Sometimes I think our children may not realise the enormity of what these GID's did until they have their own children. It has to be very hard for the children in these situation, whether adults or not, trying to comprehend the complexity of these situations. "Disclosure" for me was 17 mths ago after 28+ years of marriage and just after the last had left the family home, I use disclosure lightly as it was my youngest uncovered it and all three of mine knew their father was gay before I was informed. One offspring seems to be a little like your daughter, accept it for what it is and move on and we'll all live and let live, can't change the past so let's not talk about it! The other two are disgusted with him and how he's behaved since he was outed, a gay narcissistic son of a bitch.
You have to believe that your ex will slip up again in this current relationship, they can't deny their gayness forever, he couldn't with you and it had nothing to do with you, it was all him, he'll slip up again. You daughter may see through him in time. I know it's hard to hear about a "family" vacation but think on it this way, would you rather be there knowing what you know about him? I keep telling myself that it'd be much worse if I was still in that lie, if I was still being used as a beard to cover up a life HE didn't want anyone to know about. What cowards they all are!
Pamper yourself prior to your date and have a good night out, you deserve it and so much more!
Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves