In such a short time, this forum has given me so much hope. Thank you, thank you for just being here and helping me to feel not alone. I am taking baby steps to finally get off my GIDH's roller coaster. I know this will be a process, especially with two young children. And, although I'm feeling lighter and hopeful now, I know there are difficult and dark days ahead, as well. I wrote this list to remind me why I can't get sucked back in this time by his frenzied attempts to keep me and endless promises and plans:
I deserve:
An authentic love. One that doesn't have to hide in the dark.
To feel light and not squashed under the weight of his issues.
To have someone who empathizes and puts me first all the time, not just when he thinks I'm leaving.
To have happy memories that aren't tainted with lies and hidden betrayals.
To have someone with genuine desire to be my PARTNER, who does household chores without thinking he's just helping me out for a minute.
To have intimate conversations again, not just sit quietly listening to him talk about himself and his hobbies and desires.
To be able to enjoy time with my friends by myself, more than once every 6 months, without being made to feel guilty and having to respond to constant texts.
To have mutual trust.
To have a relationship so fulfilling, I don't need to go outside of it to feel alive and not alone.
To want to come home, not feel overwhelming dread, knowing I'm coming home to him or to just be left alone with the kids again, wondering if he's really where he says.
To be proud of my partner, honestly and completely, and want to spend time with my friends and family with him.
To not have to feel like I need a drink or two just to endure sex.

To be able to tell the whole truth.