Iamthelirax-I know it is a manipulative guilt trip, it's pretty easy to see after the fact.  But it's still somewhat effective at the time...and guilt is a useless made up emotion, anyway, I don't understand why it's so powerful. Thank you for reminding me.

How did you handle that with your ex and the cancer thing? Are you cancer free today, I hope?

You're right, lily, he is transferring his guilt on to me. I hadn't thought of it like that, thank you. I guess they can only make us feel guilty if we allow them to.  I know this in my head it just seems to be taking a while to shift to my heart.

Thank you, Duped. I am really trying to be patient with myself, it's just so hard. I appreciate your experience, strength and hope more than I can say.

Treuth,
   I'm glad that you found the network.  You can say here everything that you've stuffed, and people here will validate your feelings and in giving their own stories and perspectives help you come to some more insights.  My husband disclosed to me in March 2015 that he believed he was transgendered, and I have felt pretty much every emotion and reaction you mentioned, including feeling the stress and isolation of living in his closet as well as the relief of finally finding a place where I could say what I was feeling.
    One thing I'll say is that your own going back and forth between "leave" and "give it a chance" is not something you should beat yourself up about; it's part of the process; you approach the decision to leave, then back away; next time, you get closer.  
  Your husband's idea that you can "pick up where we left off" is wishful thinking on his part, and related to his equally wishful idea that he can just put his urges behind him; any man who has taken hormones for six months and kept it from his partner has gone a long way down the trans road.  
  As for his guilt-tripping you, and your own guilt about the time you were "drowning in alcoholism," and your feeling that you must help him.  My therapist has more than once cited for me the "airplane oxygen mask" analogy--that before you help others with their masks you put your own on--and I think it applies here.  The stress of living with him in this situation cannot be good for you as a recovering alcoholic.  You need to consider your own health first.
  I will write more later, and feel free to private message me.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 30, 2017 4:04 pm)

Treuth,

A warm welcome. My ex was cheating
And having a gay affair.  Too many similarities with your story though.  She went and got antidepressents and wouldn't tell me why. I find this analogous to your selfish husband going and getting estrogen and not telling you.

Its not normal to keep physical and medical things from your spouse.  I was like wtf.  Then it was one red flag after another..

The other is one that scares me..as a couple we had been through so much...kids have medical issues..   you would think it would make us closer and stronger...but no..she now loved thus ugly woman...our years together. .worthless to her..counted as nothing.

She then claimed to be the victim. .and I was left trying to figure out what I did...victim of what?  A loving devoted husband?  It was all projection and her putting the blame on me for her poor choice.


Gather strength..dont fall for the false reality.  He  has no right placing any of the blame of him getting secret estrogen on you.  There is nothing you can do to make a man gay or transgender..it is all them. 

Remorseful ..ok.  take backs..it don't know how you take it back...but let's say ok..   blaming you and making you feel guilty...NO.  that's selfish and narcissistic.

You were alcoholic. .you own it.  But trying to be transgender..it doesn't sound like he's owning it.
I agree it is much much different that being alcoholic. I don't see them similar or related at all.