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1 - Treuth
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He says he's transgender and then he says he's not... I am SO confused
This is my first time sharing here so I apologize if it gets a little long. First I'd like to say how grateful I am to have found you. There is comfort in knowing we're not alone. My husband of 25 years came out to me in December of 2015 as transgender. His story of how he's questioned this since he was young was very believable. I'll spare the details. I don't think I have to explain the shock and the grief that I went through because if you're here, you've been there and you know. There aren't really any words to describe the pain anyway.
A couple of weeks later, just after i found his stash of women's lingerie, makeup, supplements, etc, he tells me he's sorry, he didn't mean it, he tried it, it's not what he wants and hates seeing what it's done to me. I didn't believe him at the time but I really wanted to. 25 years is a long time to look back on and think if you were never really you was there ever really an us? You know what I mean.
We have a great relationship, we have 2 amazing sons, 21 and 16, and we are a close family. So I stuffed it for the past 15 months or so. I still love him and I'm not miserable, right? Meanwhile, every so often I'd find something in his laundry that looked like it belonged in mine. I never called him out on it, it just became the elephant in the room, and I'm beginning to have headaches every day and it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed. One month ago I found his estrogen patches, quite by mistake, and I did confront him.
He tells me he's been on the HRT for about 6 months on a trial basis on his therapist's suggestion and that he was going to tell me about it. He said he didn't feel I left him any choice and he felt he had to give it a try so he wasn't always wondering. I have finally found the courage to stop playing Small and speak my truth and let him know that none of this is okay. I recently started therapy of my own and had myself convinced that divorce is really the healthiest option for us. I say had because I just go back and forth.
Last night he tells me he has put all of this behind him and he wants to get back to who he used to be and he wants us to get back to who we used to be. Which will never happen, you can't un-ring a bell. He's begging me to give us another try because we have been through so much together. Disclosure here, I am a recovering alcoholic, sober almost 4 years now, and I did put him-and my whole family- through hell. We have also survived infidelity and a myriad of other life stuff.
I am so confused. I think I'm being manipulated here, I don't think this is something that ever goes away. Do I try to see if this can be salvaged and live some kind of a joy filled life or am I just being played and prolonging the inevitable? I have a lot of fear about divorce that may be clouding my judgment. Thank you all for listening, it feels good to have a safe place to talk about all of this.
- lily
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Re: He says he's transgender and then he says he's not... I am SO confused
Hi Treuth,
first thing I want to say is you are thinking very clearly and you will be okay. the pain is awful isn't it. It doesn't last forever.
slowly you take on board the ramifications of what you have learnt about your husband - why, even with the children, despite everything you've liked about it, despite loving your husband, the marriage has pinched like an ill-fitting shoe.
I stopped loving mine. A point came, he'd just used it all up.
yes divorce is not good. and what comes after is not easy. worth being frightened over. I broke it up into bits - the thing I was most frightened of was how my husband would treat me once we were getting divorced. then second biggest was living alone. Part of me relaxed the very day I moved into my own home. And I wouldn't be without this time, I didn't want to die and my life have been all about him.
wishing you lots of luck and hugs, all the best, Lily
Last edited by lily (March 30, 2017 12:31 pm)
- phoenix
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Re: He says he's transgender and then he says he's not... I am SO confused
Welcome Treuth.
I can't offer much advice on having a trans spouse because I don't have that experience. But there are many other spectacular women here who can offer you advice and they will certainly pop in to offer you support and advice from their own experiences.
Please feel free to post as much as you like.. don't every worry about writing too much or having too long a post, etc.. The act of writing and sharing is very good for you, and we all know that, so please be free to write as much as you wish. Ask any questions you can think of, go ahead and throw them out here. We are a support group and we are here to support each other.
Welcome to our group - I hope you find peace in this challenging situation.
Last edited by lostdad (March 30, 2017 12:48 pm)
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Duped
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Re: He says he's transgender and then he says he's not... I am SO confused
Welcome Treuth
I'm so sorry you're here, you have obviously done fantastic work on yourself to manage your alcoholism, that's an amazing achievement.
I recently found my bf was cross dressing, I can't get any real answers but I suspect there has been so much going on. We are apart, I can't deal with th ramifications; porn, fantasies, online contacts.
I am novice in dealing with this, there are some great contributors here who will really help you.
Very best wishes and I hope you find peace at the end of this journey
- Treuth
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Re: He says he's transgender and then he says he's not... I am SO confused
Thank you all so much for your posts and for letting me know I am not alone. The pain is awful. I've stuffed it for so long it's taken quite a toll on me, emotionally and physically. I know that I know that I know this too shall pass, but meanwhile all of this back and forth in my mind is exhausting.
Some days I know very clearly that leaving is the only option that will allow me some peace and serenity. I know this isn't going away, he's only retracting-for lack of a better word-out of fear. Fear of what he stands to lose. Some days I think I am delusional and wonder if I could actually make it work. I do love my husband, but I don't believe it will ever be more than platonic again. As I've said, you just can't un-ring a bell.
He swears he just got carried away, that he made a mistake and is begging me to let him prove himself to me. He has also reminded me, several times, how he stuck by me when I was drowning in my alcoholism, and he just doesn't understand why I can't do the same for him. These are completely different issues, I'm in recovery and I've made my amends, and we don't get to have a better past, I know that. But I think there is still some lingering guilt on my part because of that.
I'm tired of being sad all the time, it just sucks. It feels like I'm in a fraudulent, in-authentic marriage, and I'm not quite sure I have the courage to change it.
Thank you all again 🙏🏻
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Thread Starter- Duped
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Re: He says he's transgender and then he says he's not... I am SO confused
Deleted
Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:24 pm)
- phoenix
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Re: He says he's transgender and then he says he's not... I am SO confused
One interesting perspective I've seen used to determine if he is or isn't is the following:
Ask what an authentic str8 man would do. If the action in question is NOT something a straight male would do, then your husband is not a straight man.
example.. A woman once said her husband denies being gay, but he once took a nap after a party with another man. When asked if a normal straight man would do that.. the answer from our group is NO.. never.. we wouldn't dream of it.
Would a straight man watch gay porn or trans porn.. NO.. it's a turn off
Would a straight man wear woman's clothing? No.. the answer is no. Perhaps for a Halloween costume party or something where it would be clearly seen as a joke.. then maybe.. but a straight man would never have a stash of women's underwear, make-up, or hormone medicine.
The point is.. Where there is smoke, there is fire. Your husband can't say he's a normal straight male because a normal straight male wouldn't ever do those things.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Duped
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Re: He says he's transgender and then he says he's not... I am SO confused
Deleted
Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:24 pm)
- Treuth
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Re: He says he's transgender and then he says he's not... I am SO confused
I also feel angry and sad and cheated. I know that I am grieving, the loss of a marriage, the loss of what I thought my future would hold...from a lot of what I have read on here, it seems pretty common for them to try and "take it back," and it confirms my belief that this isn't something that goes away. Yet still I am conflicted. He's done it twice now, and I am smarter than that. Ugh.
He seems to be trying to play the victim here and that frankly just pisses me off. Like this is all on my lack of acceptance or forgiveness or whatever and I should just be willing to put it all behind me and pick up where we left off.
I guess the fact that we are aware of what they are doing is some sign of progress. I also know that we don't have to figure it all out in a day, I just wish the spinning would stop.
I can't thank you enough for sharing with me and for letting me share. It helps.
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Thread Starter- Treuth
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Re: He says he's transgender and then he says he's not... I am SO confused
Thank you, lostdad...I need all the reminders I can get as to what the truth actually is. You are spot on.
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