Hi, Just Us -

There is no right or wrong answer to your question - it's deeply personal and individual to your situation and personalities.  That being said, there are individuals here among us who believe that no, it cannot work without sacrificing too much of yourself to be worth it.  I am one such individual.  To my knowledge, my ex wasn't cheating when we were together, and wasn't viewing porn.  And yet, his lack of sexual interest in me was enough to leave a large, gaping hole in our marriage.  One that affected not only our connection, but also my self confidence and my happiness.

There are a lot of individuals who believe that you CAN make it work, IF you're both very honest with yourselves and each other.  I find though that more often than not, the reason the relationship is in crisis is directly related to the fact that the gay-in-denial spouse HASN'T been honest with their straight spouse - they've been caught lying and cheating, and sometimes manipulating and gas lighting (look that term up).  If that's the case, then I personally see no reason to believe them when they say they're not going to be honest.  They'd still be hiding everything from you if you hadn't found out.  There is a poor track record for being believable - hence the reason that I often discourage the straight spouse from believing the GID spouse when they make promises to straighten up and walk the narrow path.

Tell us more, if you can and are willing to.  That might enable us to help you better.

Wishing you the best -

Kel

THANK YOU!
Your thoughts certainly has some value to it re: not being honest before now!
I guess after so many years it just seems wrong to throw in the towel. YET.... maybe nothing can/will change.
I know that this isn't something I or we have to decide now.
Will have to see what Friday therapist says that might open our eyes/ears and what we feel after it too.
No matter what nice to know your all here to "talk" with!

lostdad wrote:

The problem always seems to come when the partner decides they just can't live without the gay sex they desire.  If your partner is committed to you and doesn't want to cheat on you.. then sure. .the marriage can continue on just as it has. 

Lostdad's quote above is the real crux of the deal.  If what he winds up not being able to live without is gay stuff (and I mean porn too), and what YOU need is for him to be completely faithful with his eyes only on you, then you're at an impasse.  Sometimes compromises can be made that can make you both fulfilled enough to keep the marriage going.  But oftentimes, what's happening is that they lie to you to make you stay, and then do what they want on the side anyway.  You assume that because you're not finding anything, there's nothing there.  But they're just getting better at hiding it.  We find out when they've been doing it so well, so easily, for so long that they get sloppy.  We never find out at the first moment they do something.  It just seems that way initially.

For me, it was more about the overall marriage.  When I finally figured out that him being gay was the root of the problems, then it was game over for me.  Because I couldn't fight the gay thing.  It was an invisible, driving force somewhere inside him.  It resulted in him not desiring me, even if he did remain completely faithful.  But that wasn't enough for me.  I was unhappy with the overall intimacy of my marriage, and I had gotten to the point where I felt that he either could not or would not change.  It was when I got to that point of no return that I realized that I had to either accept this reality as my normal, or leave.  Change was not coming otherwise.  Divorce seemed really scary for a number of reasons.  But when I projected out staying, that terrified me.  And so I asked for a divorce.  I was scared the entire time that I would never find another man as good - that this was all I was capable to attaining.  But I kept on my path anyway.  Now I'm remarried to a wonderful, straight man who far exceeds any and all expectations I could ever have had for a husband.  I'm so glad I didn't turn back.  My life is 99% different now, and I can't for the life of me figure out how I was breathing before.

In the end, you don't get a prize for sticking out an unhappy marriage.  Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll get a big 50th anniversary party thrown by your children.  Is that enough to tolerate years of unhappiness?  It wasn't for me.

Kel