I agree with the previous posts.  Maybe you  can split amicably but I don't think  it's wise to rely  someone being on their best behaviour in a divorce.

we told our son tonight. i let my wife start out since it was more her news to give. when she said we weren't going to stay married he was very subdued and only said, "why?" my wife said it was because she had told me she was gay and his only reaction was, "okay."

afterward we both said all the right things to him about it not being his fault and how we still loved each other and both him and his sister and nothing was going to change right away and how we would be putting their needs at the forefront during the whole process.

he has been quiet ever since, but is still somewhat engaged and talking about wanting to do all the things we had planned tomorrow. i feel like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop but so far the reaction has been very calm and kind and tolerant. i am hoping this means we have raised him right and he is going to be okay.

Zenslug, 

I'm glad it initially went well.  It sounds like you have a very loving and open household.  I think it's a positive thing your son is looking forward to tomorrow and things you are doing.  Your son can teach all of us! 

Forgive me Zenslug, but I think there are some on this forum that are reading and thinking this story to be unbelievable. Most of our experiences have been the complete opposite.  It is everyone's nature here to be protective and "warn" because most of us have been through hell with our exes.  It's entirely possible you won't have the same experience; the only thing you will share is that your spouse is gay and you are divorcing.

For what it's worth, I believe people can live this way, but our current climate in this country seems to be anger and finger pointing. When you say you raised your son "right", you are correct.  It sounds like you and your wife raised your kids in an accepting and loving environment.  Unfortunately due to your wife's past traumas, she wasn't living authentically.   It appears she is now, and I hope for you and your kids that this openness leads to only a good ending of your marriage where you can continue to co-parent in a loving way. 
I posted a link a while back on a conscious uncoupling seminar I had downloaded.  The concepts are probably foreign to most who are in the eye of the storm, but mostly it's about respecting what you had and letting each other go.  Especially when kids are involved, it's really important to know that at the end of the day the two of you are their parents for life, and there's a relationship there, good, bad or indifferent.  So many people walk around carrying anger and bitterness for so long, it begins to affect their lives like a dark, hooded cloak over time.  It sounds like you have worked hard in your life to not have those thoughts take over. 
Keep the lines open for your teenager to hang out with you and do things you would normally do.  Hang out together with his mom, just the two of you, and give him his freedom to do what he needs to do right now. If he knows he has the opportunity to ask questions, he will.  You may need to mention to him that he can ask you anything he wants, even though it may be obvious.    Have you told your 6 year old yet? 

I think what you two are able to do is beautiful.  Hoping you can keep the peace throughout the divorce and the life ahead of parenting your kids. 
 

jkpeace wrote:

Zenslug,

Clearly, you are aware that more emotions are likely to come.  Acknowledging that you're "waiting for the other shoe to drop":  you know this is just the very beginning of your children's journey of accepting that their family will not be the same.

You had to tell your children, and I'm thankful you began with the truth.  There is no way this road will be smooth, unless everyone involved suppresses their feelings.   A divorce, alone, is tough news for all involved.  Your children (& you) are also having to come to terms with the orientation of their mother.  Orientation is not the problem, but they didn't know...you didn't know.  Only your wife knew.  She wasn't ready to accept it, but she knew.

I remember trying to find books that might make this understandable to my children, at their various ages.  There are quite a few books about having 2 gay parents.  That situation is not the same.  In those cases, everyone knew.  No one person's coming out is breaking up a family.  They are the same family that they have always been.  I have a friend who has a son.  She is gay and raising him, since a baby, with her female spouse.  Their cute little guy (age 4) has always had 2 moms; that's all he knows.  That's different.

Divorce & family separation, new parent orientation disclosed, realizing that a parent has not been honest (with others and with herself)...that's so much for a child to handle, especially a teenager.  Plus, being a teen is hard, all by itself.

I would caution you to Not say, "Your mother and I raised you right.  You are handling this with such compassion.  We are so proud of you being so accepting."  That would be a comment very appropriate to finding out that a friend or sibling is gay.  Finding out, for the first time, that your parents have been in a gay/straight marriage, with one parent not knowing:  That is not the same.  The comment "we raised you right" (which I know you have not said aloud) could cause a processing child/teen to be hesitant to share any possible struggles.  Something more appropriate to say would be, "I'm sure you have concerns or questions.  This is a big change in our family."  Then, when your children are ready to talk:  listen, listen, listen.

IF anger is expressed, that needs to be acknowledged as normal and healthy, in this process of change.  If depression becomes apparent, that would be normal (& may need professional help; for one of my teen sons, that has been the case).  If sadness is expressed, that would be an expected emotion.  Staying calm, with no questions or concerns, would not be a normal processing...but, this journey has just begun for you.

If everything goes lovely and smooth, I'd be concerned.  There is no way a person can handle divorce or family separation or news of a parent being gay or realizing that you didn't know something very core to a parent without some pretty tough emotions emerging.  Our children seemed "fine" for the first couple of months.  That changed.  Hopefully, all will be fine.  (The latest thing to come up here is my oldest daughter, almost 22, being newly and quite adamantly against ever dating or getting married.  That is her choice, of course, but this is a new revelation from her.  It's not her choosing, as a strong woman, to be single.  It's her, coming from a broken marriage, not having a positive view of a marriage commitment).

I have 2 email friends, whom I've not met in person, but "met" after reading their story of being a straight spouse.  They both have families that seemed to have handled this well.  However, reaching that point where they feel that all are doing well has taken years and years.  This is a marathon.  Take care of yourself.

Keep posting.  I'd sure love to hear that you are moving forward and handling this in a positive manner.  We can all learn from each other.  Hearing from a family that can manage this with compassion, amidst the struggle...that is something I'd love to read.

that is very good advice about how to word things with our son. we definitely don't want to react in a way that rewards him for burying feelings or emotions instead of dealing with them. thank you very much for pointing out that danger so we can look out for it.

jkpeace wrote:

Zenslug,
You sound like an extremely thoughtful and understanding man.  Remember to take care of yourself, too.  As you know, your children are watching.  They need to know that it's important to take care of themselves.  They will learn that (or not learn that) from you.  You deserve as much care as anyone else in your family.

If your little one is anything like my little one, who was 8, when told.  He listened for about one minute and then said, "Well, ok.  Can I go play, now."  Not being dismissive, there have been some bumps in the road for him, too; so far, this seems easiest on him.  Horribly painful for the teens and older one.  We are trying to learn from all of this.  

she had so many questions. there was an hour long conversation about things like, "will i still have my same toys?" and "will i still have my same friends?" and "will we have to get a new house?" we tried to honor each question and answer as honestly as possible without talking too much. she said if we have to move then she'd like to try to find a place with a swimming pool because that would be fun for her. after a long family walk with the dog she has now settled down to watch a movie.

i am taking care of myself and will be doing my first local Straight Spouse support group meeting in a few hours. i am looking forward to connecting with other local people who are and have been going through similar things as what i am experiencing right now. at the same time i know every situation is different and i am also worried about exposing myself to negative energy from people at the group who have had a different and maybe harder experience.

i have enjoyed the range of experiences and advice i have received here and am also impressed by the mutual respect you all show each other even though each of your situations are different. i am hopeful that i will find the same type of mutual support from the in-person group. maybe someday in the not too distant future i will find myself in the place of offering support to others the way you all have been able to do for me.

for now i can only live one day at a time and will try, when things get hard, to picture the faces of my children and remember how important it is to become a strong and healthy and happy person that will be able to be there for them.

<3