thank you for the message @lostdad. with my wife's blessing our marriage counselor has now become my personal therapist so i am already seeing someone i trust and who knows my whole history.

i have quit alcohol and am trying to eat healthy and exercise which is going well so far. sleep was a huge problem leading up to my wife coming out, because i knew something was coming but was expecting it to be a nasty and immediate divorce. since she came out to me i have been sleeping remarkably well, so hopefully that continues.

at first i was having one really good day followed by one really bad one. probably because i was alternating between denial and acceptance. those oscillations have evened out in the past few days and i'd say the primary feeling is confused resignation right now.

your advice about the kids is very helpful because we don't know anybody who has come out to a teenager before. as i'm sure you can imagine we are very nervous about how he will react, since reactions are often exaggerated by hormones, etc. at his age. my wife is especially nervous about how this will change his relationship with her and is already talking about putting the moment off for a while but i worry he will find out some other way and be hurt by the fact that we didn't tell him directly.

zenslug, 

Welcome.  It sounds like you are doing amazing things for yourself, your health, and your kids, by building your support fortress.   These are fantastic. 

If your church is liberal and the kids attend, it's likely they have grown up knowing a "one love" philosophy, that we are all one in the same.  That should help.  

As a former counselor to kids from age 3-18, I found that young men really struggled most with lying and who they thought their parent was, as opposed to who they are now.  With his age, he might just look forward to burying himself into whatever he enjoys (videogames, sports, etc.).  Letting both kids know you are there for them as lostdad says, and that you are both always their parents, will really go a long way for their security.    As jkpeace said, each child will have their own rules of what they want to happen.  As long as it's safe for them, let them have the controls.  It gives kids a sense of peace to control in their own way things that feel uncontrollable (like why Mom loves girls but married Dad).  It also may be possible that they feel unwanted, the case in many divorce relationships.  Again, speaking from jkpeace and lostdad, let them know they are wanted, loved, and were part of a loving relationship--that just isn't there any more.  If you feel it wasn't loving it's more difficult to tell the kids that.  

We are here for you.  Keep posting.   Keep doing good things for yourself.  

M

Zenslug,

Welcome.

I think lostdad came here also being supportive of his loving wife.  (How many of us supported, funded and facilitated our spouses' gay destruction of the marriage).

I hope your wife continues to be loving. 

Please note though that a lot of us thought our spouses were loving but upon divorcing found them to be quite selfish and out for themselves.  For some of us it's hard to say "I support you honey" while they are asking for all our retirement money and full custody of the kids.

Just saying..your post seems to be quite empathetic for your wife.  I urge to save some of that empathy for yourself..you will need it. The kids will need a strong dad emotionally and financially.

When I first came here I was supportive of my now ex...folks here told me to protect myself.  I was like no she would never do that to me, she would never try to hurt me emotionally or financially.  How wrong I was..how right people here were.

Wishing you the best on your journey through the (gay) valley.

Last edited by Rob (March 16, 2017 6:27 am)

zenslug wrote:

thank you all for the advice and words of warning. we live in California, which is a "Community Property" and "No Fault Divorce" state. my understanding of that is if we agree on 50/50 custody in a parenting agreement (that is the current plan) then all assets will be split 50/50 as well. my wife is in no rush to initiate the legal separation or divorce process and actually wants to wait on physical separation until after she gets a better job and therefore has more money to contribute towards the costs of living separately.

with all that in mind i can't see how rushing forward with separation or divorce is in my own best interest at this time. i am inclined to wait at least until her new job comes through so there will be more money for rent, etc. we are hiring a financial advisor to look at our finances, and help us develop a plan for paying off our substantial credit card debt, but are hoping to avoid getting lawyers involved unless things turn nasty. when lawyers get involved i hear that the 50/50 monetary distribution decreases to 40/40, with lawyers taking the other 20 percent. i don't like lawyers enough to enter into that situation willingly.

As Rob said in a prior post..  When I showed up on this board i was still very much in love with my wife.  I didn't want the divorce to happen.. i tried to keep her, but to no avail.   To this day I respect her for trying to love me for 16 years.. she did try.   But I hate that the reason she quit trying was because she fell in love with someone else... She betrayed me, cheated on me, made someone else her priority, lied to me, cut me down..   zenslug.. I hope for you that your wife hasn't done these things and won't do these things.  It's rare that they come out of the closet without being pulled there, either by their spouse snooping and finding out the truth, or because they have found another person who has given them the motivation to make the change.   But, once in a white they are good and loving people who just know the inevitable to be true and they make the journey with love and respect for their spouse.  If you have such a wife currently, then you are extremely lucky and will likely have a much easier time of your separation and divorce. 

To your points..
I am not a lawyer and have zero experience with CA law.. but it doesn't sound correct that they would base financial asset distribution on child custody.   I could absolutely be wrong, but that just doesn't sound accurate.  Child support/maintenance will be split based on parenting time, but they usually won't raid your 401k based on who has the kids more.  
I would make this recommendation to you:   Go see an attorney.  Find one who does a low cost or free consultation.  Write down a bunch of questions and fire away.  Get a free or cheap education and be sure to ask "What not to do"..  ie..  don't move out of the house no matter what because that is seen as abandonment and will kill your hopes of parenting time.  Do this in secret.  You are not betraying your wife.. you are not committing to hiring an attorney.. you are simply learning a few things so that you are prepared and intelligent on the topic. 

At some point you should realize that your commitment to your wife ends at divorce..  Your wife's friends will be very quick to point that out to her and lots of people will encourage both of you to start hiding money and starting a strategy to "take advantage" of the other party.  I absolutely don't condone this behavior.. but I do want you to be aware.. the longer you take to get into the divorce process, the longer you give outside influences a chance to corrupt your thought process    (like I'm doing right now.. lol). 


I agree completely on the use of attorneys..  if you can navigate the process yourself it will save a lot of money.  But that doesn't mean you shouldn't seek any outside help.  Some people make the big mistakes due to lack of knowledge and not due to poor decision intent.  I did a ton of homework online during my divorce and even then we went to a professional mediator together just to make sure we had an experienced 3rd party to bring up topics we hadn't thought about. 

My advice:
Do your negotiations early.. strike quickly while you are both amicable and supportive.  It's much harder to change your mind on an agreement that has already been made.   If you can agree to 50/50 custody and you are happy with that.. write it up now.  Do it at your kitchen table tonight.  Don't wait.  As you move forward your emotions will change, you will make new discoveries and your opinion of each other will change.  As that happens, your ability to be fair with your agreements will deteriorate and you'll get testy.  When that happens people act on emotions and tend to hire attorneys out of spite to "screw" their spouse.   If you've already drawn things up and agreed on 90% of the issues.. both parties will be much less likely to go back and change their mind. 

When you sit down to negotiate.. make one a huge list of all the things you need to make decisions.  Then have two pieces of paper or two envelopes or baskets..   One says "things we agree upon" and the other says "further discussion".  Do not label the second basket as a negative (things we don't agree upon or argument items).. keep it positive.  If you don't agree on the outcome yet, make an agreement to table the discussion for another time and keep the terminology favorable.  When your spouse starts to think there are some big items they will not agree upon, that is when they start to plan to get an attorney. 


Anyhow..  I've been through it.. happy to offer more advice if you wish.  

I'm still concerned about your mental and emotional health.. you say the right words.. talking about support and love.. but I know that you are feeling some betrayal and hurt..  don't sweep those things under the rug completely or they will explode and come back to hurt you later.