Linda, 

You are in a tough spot.  It is interesting to hear you say that you are filled with bitterness and anger, but also still in love.  Usually those things do not go together. 

I fell out of love very quickly when I found out she cheated on me and did some other things that hurt me very much.  But i wonder if she had not done those things..  what if she had been respectful and kind through the divorce.. would I have struggled to let her go???    Not sure.. 

Sometimes it takes a change in perspective to knock us out of a rut.  It's good that you have self-analyzed and know that you are not ready to date.  But maybe you are ready to just meet some new people and change some of your circumstances?

One thing I would suggest is to let him go by no longer having any contact or knowledge of his life.  Unfriend him on FBook, try to avoid hearing about him, don't think about him at all if possible.  

Another suggestion is that it's time to start looking forward instead of backward.  You need to find some hope about things to come.  Try not to think about your past as being happy.. you were married to a gay man.  Think about how amazing life is going to be when you are married to a hetero man who really loves you and cherishes you.  (when you are ready to date again of course)

Have you thought about forgiveness?  It's the hardest thing in the world.. I'm trying so hard right now to work on this.  I have a lot to be bitter and angry and resentful about.  But I don't want to carry that baggage any longer.  I'm trying to remove this poison from my life.  Still not there yet, but I am starting to feel progress and I'm starting to feel the peace that replaces the bitterness.   You might find that forgiveness will help you move on and help you become ready to meet someone new, and then meeting someone new will fill you with hope and happiness.  It can be a chain reaction or a line of dominos.  

 

Linda,
  I have realized that for me the stages of grief (shock, denial, bargaining, anger, etc on to acceptance) do not unfold in discrete categories, but overlap and loop back. Overall, I do make progress toward acceptance and then planning a new future, but there are days when it feels as if I'm back to Day One, Disclosure Day.  Maybe realizing that the process is not relentlessly linear can help you realize that a bad day is just a bad day, not a sign that you'll never get through this?

I started therapy about a month and a half ago, and my therapist recommended that I practice "cognitive re-structuring," which really means talking back to your negative thoughts.  So when in moments I am lonely, or find it hard to move to ending it, and find myself thinking things like "maybe the problem is me, and if I learned to think about my husband's transness as an opportunity we could have a fantastic marriage," I "talk back" to that thought.  In my case what I say is, "Oh, sure.  It'll be a real picnic in the park once you can get over the fact that you're heterosexual and begin thinking of yourself as a lesbian married to a (male) lesbian."   She also recommended that I be ruthless with myself about dwelling on things, and cut my thoughts off so that I don't end up wallowing in nostalgia.
  I don't know if these suggestions will work for you, but they've been helpful for me. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 13, 2017 3:42 pm)

Linda, 
The emotional rollercoaster absolutely sucks.  But I agree with Rob, focus the lonely on what can be, not what has been.  You state you're a catch, but maybe you don't believe that, or you think he was the only man for you.  In both cases, you are wrong.  You are a catch, and he's not the only man.  

You can still love him, but you can't, for your own good, torture yourself with watching him with the next unknowing woman whose life he is going to destroy.  Unfriend, unfollow, un-care.  No contact.  No asking about him to mutual friends.  I know it's tempting but stop torturing yourself.  You have plenty of living to do.  

Honor your new life by starting one thing different today, that is just for you. 

We will all be there in case you turn around and go back the other way.  Think of us as gay repellant, protecting you from what we all know will hurt you.     

Hugs and peace to you.
M

Start doing things to practice self-respect and love for yourself, whatever those might be.  You don't and didn't deserve someone who can't love you back (I know sometimes it feels safer that way, more of a challenge). 

jkpeace for the win!  Yaaaay!!!

AMEN! I do believe this though at the same time the heart aches!  I have asked God to make it easer. Like NOW! The weekends are the worst.  Me alone and them together.  He really does look and act gay.  I wonder what she sees in him! A little bit of truth as to what he has done makes him more open and special because he revealed something so personal about himself to her.  He did the same to me.  It made me feel special because he shared a "secret"  He is doing the same to this poor unsuspecting woman. I just shake my head and feel sad.