I'm so scared to lose time with my babies. They're so young: 3 and 8 months. I don't want to force them to pack bags and move between two homes. I'm afraid to give up the visions I have for their childhood, I guess. I also don't know where I would live or how I would handle finances. He is a great dad, and we are wonderful parents together. However, I have endured 8 years of the same cycle. I find out he's chatting/planning to meet someone/has met someone, he convinces me it's an urge that can be squashed and he has control of it and doesn't want to lose me, I stay and cater to his sexual desires.
I've been to so much therapy. He's been to marriage counseling with me. I know now that this cycle will never be broken. I wish he would just accept his orientation and let me move on amicably. I have zero attraction now and we have no intimacy. I'm 35 years old. I'm also afraid that if I don't figure out a way to take the first step out of this then five years from now I will find myself still here, trapped in the middle of his cycle, the same hurt idiot who missed opportunities to spend time with people who don't make her hide their secrets.

Eliza, hang in there.  It gets better, I promise.   You are not alone.  We all get it, and we've been there.  

Be strong, you can do this.  Build your support fortress.   You deserve better.   He cannot give that to you. 

PM me any time if you need more support.   M

Eliza

My heart breaks for you, it's horrendous what you're going through with such young children. Please look after yourself, your children need you to be strong and available to them. Please think long and hard about whether you want to live this lie for years and years, you will survive without it, I'm sure it's impossible to see a different life right now, he's probably trying to convince you it can't be done, it'd be so much better together (a lot of this could be to keep his secret a secret from everyone else) but that's not your responsibility to do.

I like JK didn't find out until much later, 17mths ago.............over 28 years married and when all my children had left home.... years of my life wasted, used and now I can see abused for someone to keep their secret seedy life hidden. I'd give anything to go back and know my truth 25, 15 or even 10 years ago. I can see now how I made allowances for him in so many aspects of our marriage, it wasn't healthy for me or my children but I didn't see it that way at the time. One thing on your side is you know the truth, it'll never change, he's gay.

If you feel you can't go it alone with the children, whether financially or emotionally right now please look to separate yourself emotionally and take time out for yourself, get a life started for yourself and give that a priority.........you'll need it going forward. I feel if I knew back then what I know now I could have taken a weekend a month to go off with friends, put some focus on me as a person and not just a mom and wife - I was the stay at home mom to three while he progressed in his career (which I don't understand how he managed to do so successfully but he did).

Keep posting here and if you have someone to confide in please do, I've found having two absolute rocks and a few others slightly less involved but there for me in my physical world to be of huge benefit to me.

 

My biggest fear is that something may happen and I loose my children. That is the one thing I will not be able to live with.  And I suspect that the children will be his final card to play in keeping me.
 

Heard this and had to pull over on side of the road..fear but not alone..



Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone

Here and now
You can be honest
I won't try to promise that someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

I'm not strong enough, I can't take anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under

Oh, my soul
You're not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone
Oh, my soul, you're not alone

Casting Crowns - Oh My Soul