SickatHeart,

You are in shock..  Breathe.   I know the feeling after snooping and discovering stuff beyond your worst fears..    It's like getting hit by a bus.    Know that it is not your fault..there is nothing you could do to make him do this.   

You're  probably right  about not confronting him right now or waiting to see if you can handle it until the summer when your daughter gets married.   Know whichever you decide this is not your fault. he would have ruined things for your daughter.

Take a breath..do not do anything rash just yet.  Be kind to yourself.   Build your support system with small steps each day.  Maintain status quo for now as you process this and build your support system. 
You need time to build strength. 

It is difficult... they do invite the cheating into our homes...its a physical violation of us.    I say keep calling tomorrow afternoon or be home to ruin his plans..   you may be able to do that for a day.   Know that its not forever.  

An sincere warm e-hug  (virtual but authentic)
 

There are two routes you can go here.  Well, there's probably several, but two that I see that would be my only options if I were you.

Option I wouldn't choose, and why:
1.  Confront him outright about what you know.
Reaction a) Strong opposition and poor treatment (TO you, not by you), which will add to stress during this time leading up to your daughter's wedding.
Reaction b) He admits to everything, brings out the explanations about how he's been soooo tortured, and then promises that he'll be better.  This may last for a few months - maybe through your daughter's wedding.

With either reaction, he can start moving around / hiding money, spreading lies about you in anticipation of a future blow up, and getting a jump on the legal process.  If you do go with confronting him, make sure you're ready to move forward immediately on the same.

Options I'd choose from:
1. Let him know in a very emotionless, firm way that you do NOT want any more people in your home while you're out.  He will suspect that you know.  But if he starts asking, "What does that mean?", you just repeat.  It means that I think it would be disrespectful of you to have people here while I'm out, and it would make me very, very angry to find out that you continued after I told you to stop."  He's going to be defensive, ask when he's had people over, etc.  Just keep repeating, "I am just saying that I don't want that.  Is that understood?  Yes?  Good."  Then walk away.

This won't necessarily stop him from misbehaving, but it will probably ensure that he'll keep it out of your home.  Warning: he WILL go and lock down all his accounts, thinking that's how you found out.  Or he might become paranoid about one of the neighbors having said something to you.  Do not confirm or deny anything.  Just let him know that you don't want it happening.  PERIOD.

Now, he will most likely not admit to anything because you're not openly accusing him of anything.  But he will try to twist the argument to "What, you don't TRUST me?"  Gasp.  Just repeat - "Hear me: I don't want anyone here when I'm not here.  Capishe?"  He will play a victim to your distrust.  Don't fall for that bullshit.  Just keep your mouth shut and keep reiterating your stance on people in the house.  He will go one of two ways after that - he'll either play the "poor me - for having such a distrustful wife" card, or he'll get.... mad.  Mean.  More vague then ever.  Disappear lots.  Fine.  You're just trying to keep the peace until the wedding.

Now - option 2 is to say nothing and start gathering your forces for war.  That means acting like nothing's wrong, but visiting a lawyer, gathering financial information, documents, etc.  It means standing in the war zone before he realizes there's going to BE a war.  Personally, I'd recommend this route, but very much understand if you feel like you can't stand to deal with strangers in your house while acting normal.  So,.... go to a different bedroom.  Stay up one night later than normal and fall asleep on the couch.  Then when you get up, go to a different bed so you don't wake him.  Do this until it's normal for you to sleep in a different room.  At least you'll have the balm of knowing that he's not sullying your sheets that you're lying down in after an afternoon tryst.

Or you could just say that you heard there's burglaries in the neighborhood, and you'd feel safer if he got cameras that record outside activity - and would like some cameras pointed at and recording the doors, at the very least.  That'd scare him.  Lol.

Personally, I'd have a difficult time doing ANY of the above options.  I'd go to my daughter and tell her that I am so sad because I think Dad's gay.  Then tell her what you've found.  Then let her blast him herself.  Take him right out of the wedding for being a douche.  Then start your new life.  But that's just me.  I understand why that's not an attractive option to most.  I just find that having a giant distraction (getting ready for the wedding) is great for helping get me through tough times.  I almost never do one big bad thing alone - it's always mixed in with something super wonderful.  Evens it all out.  Lol.

I wish you the best -

Kel

The other route you can

I second Kel's reply on the letting the cat out of the bag.  I know it's not for everyone, but for me, the minute I found out some unknown person was in my house and my bed, all bets would be off and cats would be flying out of bags. 

I'd also like to touch on something Kel mentioned, which is security cameras.  After the divorce and moving in to my own home, even though I have an alarm system, I was still sometimes a little uneasy.  I know lots of people think of Texas as all friendly and such, but I have to say, the only time I see neighbors out and about is if they are taking groceries out of a car - then they quickly run inside, never to be seen again for another month.  I often feel like if some shit went down I'd basically be all alone to protect myself.  So I started looking into security cameras.  I found that they all had their good and bad points.  Most were too expensive, most had some sort of monthly fee, and most required some knowledge of how to set up tech gadgets, of which I have zero.  Until....I found a little camera on Amazon called Blink. 

Now...before anyone goes postal, please note that I am NOT saying to hide it inside your house.  That would also be very difficult since it has a flash bulb that turns on if it's triggered in the dark (although they are about to come out with an outdoor, night vision one that doesn't need light, but I digress).  For $99 ($169 for two), I got this cute little package of cameras and a base that plugs into the wall and connects to your wifi.  I put AA batteries in the cameras, downloaded the Blink app, typed in the serial number of the cameras and my wifi password, and I was done.  If you can download an app to your smart phone, you can do this.  It took me about 20 minutes for two cameras and most of that was just waiting for the app to download and putting in batteries. 

Technically they are indoor cameras, but everyone I know has them outside.  As long as you have a cover on your patio or porch that will protect them from the rain and direct sun then you're good to go. But like I said, they are coming out with a much more rugged, outdoor version that can go inside a bush if you so desire.  I also know people who have them inside and aimed at their doors.  That's all fine and good except you don't know who is lurking until they get inside and I want to know before...not after someone breaks in. 

 I've had mine for about 4 months.  There is no monthly fee and the recordings go right to your phone so even if someone grabs the camera and throws it away, it's too late, you already have the footage.  You need no other explanation than "there has been some suspicious activity in the neighborhood and I want some cameras for safety".  No one should question that.  You have every right to want to know who is lurking around your house.  Get one for every door you have (that's covered) or wait until the outdoor version is released in a few weeks.  They can not record thru glass so they have to be outside IF you want outside footage.  If you don't have an Amazon account you can get them on the Blink website (www.blinkforhome.com).  In fact, just yesterday some idiot kids literally drove their car INSIDE of my open garage, almost hit my car, and then peeled out.  I took the video, made screen shots, and forwarded the pictures to my neighborhood app.  I'm sure their parents have grounded them by now.  Cameras.....it's a beautiful and (now) inexpensive thing.  I believe you can have as many as seven on one system.

And that is my public service announcement for today!!

Thanks to all who have replied - receiving support from people who have been there is soooo helpful.  I have a very good friend who is completely in the loop and has been very supportive, and found a therapist - first visit later this morning.  I am confident she will help me sort out the best way to move forward in the short term.  Still torn, but realistically don't think I can hold this in for another 4-1/2 months so need to find a way to talk about it and sort out some resolution without it becoming a big shadow on all the great things in store for my daughter - and the rest of the family.