Joan, I'm guessing maybe you live in MN? Not sure.  If you do, and he hasn't totally drained your finances, you are entitled to half of your assets, not just cash, including pension as well.  In addition, I believe it is called spousal maintenance in MN.  Even if he has moved money, as long as you know where it is, you'll be entitled to half of that, even if it has to be subpoenaed.    Look in your community for a women's center, typically connected with Universities and Community Colleges.  If you PM me and are wiling to share the state or even city you live in, I'll check my resource bank and send you contact numbers.  

Don't give up hope.  I know it's scary at 61.  There are several options for everything from living expenses to counseling resources, no matter what your income is.  

Perhaps I'm reading wrong, but what the hell is your lawyer talking about?  Certainly not that YOU undergo psychological evaluation?  Why would you need to do that?  To prove hardship?  You don't need more stress in your life and you don't need to prove to anyone you need assistance.  Your husband is responsible under the law.   If I read wrong, and he means to show your husband is unstable and in need of rehabilitation, good luck on that.  It will only add fuel to the fire. 

Stay strong.  Keep posting. 

If you can't trace all the money, your lawyer should help you to be able to secure a forensic accountant.  They are able to trace the money, and what's been happening.  That way you can claim the stuff that he's been hiding that might not come to light otherwise.

Kel

So I found Honey Bunches last night in a bar where I thought he would be.   NO big deal.  Just a social casual restaraunt bar - whereever it is near where he "lives".  NO clue what that is about.   Anyway... my love, concern and care for him - I went looking as he had NO communication. His head is clearly not in realty and impending divorce.   With love I found him.   Happy to see him.   I hug... I love ... we talk.  He agrees to come home after 6 weeks of living whereever it is.  No clue.   He discloses to me that he is crossdressing and wants to understand what it is like to feel like a woman making love to a man.  Okay!  I can deal with that and I DO respect that he has disclosed that to me.  Is he doing it from the Narcississtic Personality Wrench Thrower that I have experienced or the vulnerable loving man that I know.  NO CLUE.  I choose to embrace honesty and honor his disclosure.   Have to give credit for releasing vulnerable info... if in fact true.   So now I find he has shaved his entire chest torso and underarm and he explains to me that he wants to know what it feels like to be a woman making love to a man so he can be a woman making love to a man.     Dizzying as it is.  I get it.  I appreciate and love this man.  It's so complicated.   So complex.   Mental health issues, substance abuse issues, childhood trauma issues, sexual identity issues.   I try again to clarify... get therapy.   Get support.    Move through this divorce with MINIMAL DAMAGE to our finances... settle - work on our investments.   It's still a giant disaster and he is out of control - now I have to compete with whomever is on the other side of "his body" pleasing and guiding him for who's benefit.   This is a holy disaster and though I love him and want him happy.   I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF.   I'm trying.   thanks for listening!  xx

Joan, Yes, you do have to protect yourself.  I think what you are doing, for what it's worth, is amazingly loving.  But you aren't dealing with a person who is of sound mind or behaviors.  Do you have access to your accounts?  Make copies of all of the statements now.  
What is he hoping will happen?   Is he even rational enough to mediate a case without too much in attorney fees? 

With great respect for your mental state and emotional heartache, I ask and say the following:

I.Don't.Under.Stand.  I thought you were divorcing.  You have been living separate.  But you feel the need to go find him if he goes into incommunicado?  WHY???  You're DIVORCING.  That means you're separating your lives.  Once you reach this state of the relationship, you should no longer be trying to support each other.  You cannot do that without pulling the other person away from their trajectory - which is AWAY from each other.

You should no longer be privy to his innermost thoughts about his sexuality.  Why?  Because it doesn't matter anymore where he wants to go - he will be doing it separate from you.  You have NO.REASON to know that information because it ONLY serves to pull you back in, hurt you, and put you in the position of being supportive.  He knows that this new lifestyle and his old marriage don't work together.  You do, too.  THAT is why you're divorcing.  You need to start protecting yourself by going no contact.  You can communicate with him through the lawyer, for absolutely necessary purposes.  "Where is the car payment payment booklet?", or "The house listing agent needs you to sign off on paperwork so we can list the house."  Then give the lawyer the agent's name so that HE can contact that person directly.  No more you meeting him to get shit done.

You might be doing what many of us have done, which is to use supporting them as our excuse for remaining in contact and intertwined in their lives.  And that's understandable - they often get us to the point where we have no self esteem or belief in ourselves any longer, so we go to them for any positive affirmation.  Or we go help them as a way to feel good about ourselves (it's called codependency).  But you need to start being honest with yourself about why you're needing to seek out a person to help them when they've lied and stolen from you and essentially hijacked your life.  I don't care what he's been through, continuing to let him have access to any of you (especially your emotional self) is TOXIC to you.  You've become so empty that filling the space with toxic emotions is better than none.  You can't continue to feed that.  You NEED to get away from the person who's decided that you were nothing more than a means to an end.  You're at the END.  MAKE it the end.

I can suggest ways for you to start building your own life so that you don't feel the void as much.  But you need to start building your own world now - with him no longer in it.  With no longer knowing that he wants to feel the touch of a man.  With him no longer acting like a wounded bird while he's pickpocketing you.  You need to let your head lead now, because your heart's so trashed that it can't lead properly any longer.

I wish you the best -

Kel