Thank you ALL of you.  I was offline sort of all weekend because it was a long weekend in Ontario (Maresyd how did you know that?) I was able to pop on my phone and read your messages I just didn't have any privacy to respond. 

​I did spend Fri evening out of the house and it was nice.  Though I mostly pondered my situation I still enjoyed myself while I was out. 

​It was Family day weekend so we went to many family day activities and we had a great time as if we were a happy family unit.  He was under the impression that all was forgiven until I said I would not go to the counselling appointment this week.  He's upset about that.

​Though he must have sensed that all was not forgiven because all weekend he was more affectionate towards me, hold my hand, cuddle with me etc.  Not sex just affectionate behaviour that I wouldn't otherwise see from him. 

​Kel you are bang on with how the fighting plays out.  Our fights are often over trivial things I cannot believe we are bickering about.  The counsellor recognized this and called it a 'proxy war' which is when countries go to war and they say it's because of 'X' reason but the actual reason is 'Y'.  He was similar in that no job was ever good enough for him, and he moved on and moved on until he eventually got laid off then couldn't get back in at the same level he was at.  That was 3 years ago and then began the downward spiral of bitterness and anger. 

​He helps out with the house work but I used to do a lot of the other stuff and I was run ragged.  Lately he's been picking up some of those things which is a nice for me.  I used to hear that I was 'better' at that stuff.  I used to pay all of the bills and manage it, so I'd get annoyed if he went to the store and dropped a couple hundred bucks on something right before the mortgage came out.  He never had a clue what the bank balance was, nor did he care to keep track of when things came out or when pay was deposited.  So then he got gun shy on spending money and complained that I controlled it.  I repeatedly told him I didn't care if he bought things he just had to know what the balance is and when things come out.  Years were like that and we'd fight about it, so this past summer I started making him pay the bills and track the balance and he's much more aware now.  But he simply ignored it before no matter what I said about it he never took responsibility he just complained I controlled it.  It was all there, he just had to look.  I would say that was selfish, it was too much work to track it all so he just complained.  It was never acknowledged that I did all the work balanced the books and kept us in a good credit status.

​He's a good dad, I do wonder how he can be so empathetic and affectionate with the kids and not with me.

​I don't know what to do really.  I want to tolerate it but then it gets intolerable.  Then it goes back to being something I can tolerate until the next time.  I shouldn't have to always have the threat of separation looming overhead to keep him respectful and caring towards me. 

​Vicky
 

Hi jkpeace!  I'm very happy for you that you are in a place of acceptance of what you need.  I'm sorry that your STBX is struggling, I hope he finds his way back to a job, to happiness, to accepting who he is and to being a Dad to your kids.  And maybe, once he (I almost said straightens out, hahahaha) accepts things and works on repairing your relationship with some real effort, you can be friends. 

Hugs M