vicky, I hope you don't feel too judged here--none of us are in your shoes.  But we know this....you're feeling shitty and your hubby is being an ass to you, at least right now. 

The best remedy for that is to do some self-care...something good that is just for YOU, no one else.  Regardless of whether you stay or leave, or he does, you always can practice that on a shitty day. 

Even if that means wrapping yourself in a blanket, napping, and listening to music or watching TV. 
Head to that place. 

Keep posting, tomorrow is another day. 

Vicky....Yay!  Good for you that you did something good for yourself. 

Cabin fever, eh?  I think it's more closet fever.  When they get pissed off at us for doing nothing...and it's their own emotions they don't know how to deal with, so they immaturely pick fights and make things our fault. 

I wouldn't want to leave either; where else is he going to find such an understanding friend?  Even though marriage contains friendship, marriage is not a friendship.  It's more than that.  It's mutual respect, which seems to be lacking, and love, which also seems to be lacking.  

My ex and I were a great team for many things, except being married.  Once I got over clinging to the things that I thought I would never have, it made it easier to see everything I wasn't getting that I needed (and eventually I figured out I deserved them, too). 

Keep spending time alone doing good things for yourself.  Go to a park and read a book or listen to music with headphones.  Go to the library.  Keep moving, and really learn to appreciate being away from him and his crazy behaviors....when you need to. 

Remember, regardless of your friendship, you do not have to keep being such a great friend to him if it isn't reciprocal.  Hard for us givers to remember that....

Hugs, M

OutofHisCloset, 
All of you here on the boards are so kind with your complements!  Careful, I won't know what to do with it all!

In all seriousness, I do get it because I've been there.  I know the pain, and I now know the joy of looking back on things and not bursting into tears (only on some days). 

I appreciate you all being brave, and honest, and giving.  So needed in this little world here, and out in our big huge world full of judgements and hate. 

Love to you all.  I wish I could get you all in a room and just give you all big hugs. 
M

Vicki,

I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it.  I remember for years before I knew the truth, I felt like all the fights we had were about the fights we had.  As in, "no, that's NOT what I said.  I said THIS."  "No, you said it exactly like that - I could tell from your tone!".  Ish.  When I look back now, we were fighting about fighting.  And it was because we couldn't get to the bottom of the real problem, because he didn't want to admit it.  And so it was a dance around a huge hole in the floor.  It seems ludicrous now that I'm with someone straight and who's a good match for me.  When we do fight, it's about something very obvious, and we fight about THAT.  Not about how we fight.  We discuss the subject, both weigh in, and then consider the other's feelings and make decisions.  We both give as much as we take.  It's not at all like it was with my gay ex - when it always seemed like it was a case being fought in court - where each side puts in their philosophical arguments and tries to "win".  Now it's more like working together on a team - sometimes the pitcher needs to be relieved, sometimes the outfielder needs to be told to look alive.  It used to be more like wrestling - whomever could get the other one to the floor first, and keep them there.  It's sooooo different once you are able to fight about the actual issues and not the issues that crop out of that.  It's maddening when it's about everything but the elephant in the room.  And it will continue to feel that way.

I very much understand your feelings about wanting to keep an intact family for your kids.  I think most of us go through that when we think about divorce - even in straight marriages.  I know I did.  And I was scared of the financial weight of supporting the family on my own.  And leery of having to deal with issues about when Dad came to pick up the kids vs. when he was supposed to, whether he helped them with homework on his weekends, etc.  And I'll be honest - I have and still do deal with some of that.  BUT...... it turns out that I had no IDEA how miserable I was in my everyday life until I got out of the situation and away from it.  I kept thinking that if I could fix X, Y and Z in my marriage, everything would be fine.  They were big things, but they would have fixed stuff.  If I could somehow get him to desire me (and show that) the way a man should his wife, and if he could get and keep a decent job, and if he could grow up a bit and be a parent vs. another kid in the house, then we'd be allllll good.  I firmly believed that at the time.  "Just" these THREE issues.  Now I realize that those weren't the issues at ALL.  Underneath it all was a fundamental issue that he was selfish, and he was hiding that so he didn't appear to be.  So everything was filtered through that - he wasn't telling me that our intimacy issues were because he was gay.  Because he valued his secret more than my happiness.  He wasn't going to counseling because he was fine with his limitations limiting his marriage - he wasn't doing what he needed to in order to be healthy and whole and make the marriage that way, too.   He was having issues with jobs because he valued the status of what his title was more than supporting his family.  So he'd get a job he knew he had no experience or ability to do, and then brag about it until he eventually got fired.  He would not be honest with himself about who he was and what he could do so that he could meet the main objective - providing for his family.  His image was more important.  And he wasn't going to take on equal responsibility with the bills or the kids because he didn't want to.  He'd rather have someone else do all that work while he did what he did like.  He wasn't lazy - he did plenty of work around the house.  But wouldn't  help with the business of planning for and maintaining the family and the household and being intentional about anything.  Because why do that when Kel would do it all?  Who cares if she's screaming that she's overwhelmed and stressed out?  Iiiiii don't want to change.  She can just deal with it.  It allllll came down to selfishness.  And now I have a partner who's not selfish - and puts my needs above his own.  And my world is VASTLY different.  Of course being straight helps.  Lol.  But it wasn't that my ex was gay that was the problem. It was that he wouldn't TELL ME that was the problem - because he valued what he wanted above everything else.  We couldn't deal the problem in realistic ways and make decisions about it because he didn't want anyone to know.  Above all else, HE came first.

I'm so glad I moved on.  I do have an intact family, and it's better and stronger than before.  My current husband is a better stepdad than my ex ever was as a dad.  He wasn't a BAD dad, per se.  But he kind of floated through life - as if he had something else on his mind all the time.  Because he did.  So he never threw himself into his kids' lives or being a unit.  They could do what he liked, if they wanted to be with him.  He wasn't going to do what they liked and take them to the zoo or to the park.  He's BEEN to the zoo this year already.  HE wants to watch a movie.  So the kids can watch movies with him.  That's not a good dad.  That's just a not-bad dad.  And he's still that way.  My kids still have that from him.  AND they have a man who loves their mother and shows them every day what a man who loves his wife looks like.  They see how a marriage should be full of fun and affection.  They would have had an intact family before if I never divorced, but they wouldn't have seen ANY of that.  And what is two unhappy parents worth?  Is it okay just as long as you're all under the same roof?  I'd argue that no, it's not.  That you are affecting the kids in ways that you're unaware of.  I never thought I was showing my sadness or unhappiness to my kids. And yet they say I laugh so much more now - that I am happy.  I didn't know they could tell before that I wasn't.

I hope that no matter what your decision, it gets better for you.  You deserve that.

Kel