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1 - FoolMeTwice
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Hi I'm new here.
My wife of 29 years has some confusion as to her sexuality. We've been together since we were 18 and over that time she's been my girlfriend, best friend, lover, wife, and mother to our children. Over the years she's admitted that she's been attracted to another woman on occasion and there have been times when she hasn't been attracted to me but we've always persevered.
A couple of years back she fell head over heels in love with another woman. I'm fairly confident that she would have run off with this woman if the feelings were reciprocal, but they were not. At that point she went through a long soul searching as to whether she was living a lie by not being true to her sexual orientation. We went through a very difficult period that resulted in her having a breakdown episode. At the conclusion of her breakdown she made a decision to remain in our marriage.
After that point things veered back towards normal. During the event I had decided that I would not be the one to initiate intimacy as I didn't want to force the issue but after deciding she started initiating more frequently than we had in the previous year. Things went well for a period of nearly 9 months but I felt her starting to grow distant and then, after the holidays, thing started to go downhill pretty fast.
She started being very bitter about men in general. The day we were taking down our Christmas tree she shared with me a story that I hadn't heard before about how her father, while not exactly sexually abusing here, did place her in some inappropriate situations. She's also very discouraged about the political climate in the US that she also sees as being driven by men. We had a conversation about making sure that she doesn't try to generalize me in with "them" and she acknowledged that it's possibly part of what's going on between us but that she'd try to be cognizant of it and not lump me in.
In late January she took a scheduled trip to the southwest. It was her first trip alone, without me or our children, and I truly believed it would be a good opportunity for her to refresh and recharge. When she came back she dropped a bombshell on me that she's now coming out as bisexual and possibly polyamorous. While it probably should have been, it was still a shock to me, after all of the soul searching and eventual decision that she had come to 14 months earlier.
After talking it through for a while I accepted her as being bisexual. That doesn't necessarily mean that she loves me any less, just that she's attracted to women as well. I get that other women can offer things different than I can and I'm okay with that. I've even told her that I'm okay in theory if she wants to take a female lover as long as we can establish ground rules about our home and family, such as our relationship is primary and that any others are affairs only. In my mind if she has permission and follows the ground rules then she isn't cheating and won't have to feel guilty. The only real condition I put on her is that I don't want to be there only until she finds someone better.
All that being said, she's still not sure that she wants to remain in our relationship. She says that she still loves me, doesn't want to hurt me, and wants to keep me as her best friend but that she's not sure if remaining married would allow her to be true to her core identity.
This is leaving me in limbo. I feel like I'm an emotional Yoyo. I love my bisexual wife and am willing to give her the space to explore her self in, what I hope would be, a non judgemental way. I have no interest in ending the relationship over this. Obviously if she decides that she's a lesbian and has no interest in men then there's really no place for me in the relationship, but that's a decision that she'll need to make on her own.
I've suggested counseling, either couples or individual. I think counseling may help her process her thoughts and feelings and gain clarity on the situation, whether she wants to remain in our relationship or move on to something else. She doesn't seem to have any interest in going down that path or in couples counseling either. Either way I'm trying to figure out where I can get counseling services but I have no idea which category to even try.
Any other tips on staying sane through this for those who have been down the road before? How do I find a good counselor?
- Still Wondering
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Re: Hi I'm new here.
Hi FoolMe. Welcome.
I'm sorry you're going through this. The more you read here the more you will see how much we all have in common. It shows what a caring and loving spouse you are to offer to stand by her and let her explore and figure things out. You say you're in limbo right now, but (tough love here) I need to point out that it looks like she's already answered the question about whether or not she wants to stay married. You wrote: "All that being said, she's still not sure that she wants to remain in our relationship. She says that she still loves me, doesn't want to hurt me, and wants to keep me as her best friend but that she's not sure if remaining married would allow her to be true to her core identity".
Just not wanting to hurt someone isn't enough. Just sticking around to be a best friend isn't the kind of marriage that's going to make you both happy....unless you can live in a sexless marriage with a woman who is going out and having sex with other women while you sit at home. If you don't care or if that won't hurt you then maybe you can sustain it. But in the long run it will drain you. And if you knew that she would have run off with that other woman from long ago then why would anything stop her now?
The other thing that is frustrating is her excuse about men and/or the political environment. Really? That doesn't make anyone bisexual or gay. Generalizations or not, no sane person would lump their spouse into "all men" , especially after knowing you for so long. From the outside looking in, it seems as if there's a little bit of manipulation going on. Either that or she's just trying to create an excuse or diversion get out and move on without creating too many waves. Almost like if she can find the right excuse, i.e. men, her Dad, that she will have a reason to make a clean break without having to explain the real reason.
So, in the end it will come down to: can you see living the rest of your life this way. Unfortunately this is the choice many of us had to make. Most of us had very limited knowledge of the truth and those of us who did know the truth were gaslighted to the point of questioning the truth. It's a crappy club to belong to but finding this group for support was a like a light in the darkness to me. It took a while to sink in, but eventually it all made sense.
- lily
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Re: Hi I'm new here.
what your post reminded me of is what my mum said to me. we didn't know he was gay but we knew something was wrong and she was trying to put her finger on it and she said he won't accept you and he won't let you go.
So right. For us straights, we need the relationship to be on or for it to be over. And our instinct is to seek that certainty but you will never get it from a non-straight.
good luck with it all, step by step is good and that's what you're doing. wishing you all the best, Lily
- FoolMeTwice
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Re: Hi I'm new here.
@Lily:
I agree that everyone would like certainty but nothing lasts forever. Even if we remained happily married into old age, one of us will likely die before the other. As the Buddhists believe, life is suffering.
@Still Wondering:
Thanks for the warm welcome. I'm not sure that the perpetual optimist in me agrees that it's already over. She's attracted to random women on the street but hasn't actually met anyone yet. If I were a betting man I would think that she is closer to bi than gay on the Kinsey scale and that her current distaste with patriarchal society is pushing her more in that direction. I know that I cannot control her wants or desires and that the only control I have in my life is how I react. If I push her away there's zero chance of saving my marriage.
I completely agree that I do not want a loveless marriage. Sure, sex is important but it's not everything. Even though I don't wish to see anyone else now, she hasn't made any such demands upon me.
For now I'm choosing to be supportive of her as she goes through this process and hope for a positive outcome. I understand that this is not easy on her and that she's not in a position to be supportive of me in the same way. That's why I was looking for suggestions for finding a good counselor who can help me with my processing. This is really my primary need right now.
I've read elsewhere that people coming out later in life and hurting their spouses is really an extension of our hetronormative/homophobic society. It'd be far better if people felt free from judgement to love whomever they want when they enter the dating pool instead of trying to force square pegs into round holes. We spouses end up as collateral damage on their path to self fulfillment. We can argue all day with them with our emotions and logic and even the simple mechanics associated with going down this path but if life has thought me anything it's that the heart cannot be denied forever.
I do want to balance my optimism with reality though. Tearing asunder a life built together over nearly 30 years won't be easy and there may be a point where she does make a decision where she doesn't want me to be part of her life any longer. Until then I remain hopefull and just possibly a fool.
Thanks for responding so quickly.
Last edited by FoolMeTwice (February 15, 2017 4:43 pm)
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Thread Starter- Still Wondering
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Re: Hi I'm new here.
I agree with optimism. I'm an optimist. Sometimes, I'm a realist. Just depends. The thing I always tell new people here is to give it a time limit. Give it a year, two at the most. Don't waste five years letting her tell you that she doesn't know what she wants. We tried four or five different therapists. I know there are several people here who had good sessions, but in my experience, none of the five had a clue as to what to say or do. They all said they did, but 8 sessions in, all I got was a debit of $800 in my bank account. Just know that if you can't find a good counselor, we're here to bounce ideas off of.
What I found in my own life is that our spouses will drag it out as long as you let them. They want you there as a safety net. Mine turned into two years, then three, then four years. He would have let it go on forever with his hidden porn and his excuses. But here's the one thing I didn't understand - my ex grew up in a family who welcomed every single sexual orientation and gender ID you could possibly imagine. They even left their church because they didn't accept gay marriage. As kids, they grew up in a church where the 6 foot tall woman in a dress was actually a male ex-marine. So - I have no idea where the need to lie to a spouse and create a fake marriage comes from when all you were ever surrounded with was acceptance. So while I totally understand the spouses who feel embarrassed to come out, I also have a shining example of someone who lived the opposite of gay shaming. He was 100% free of judgment and yet, still could not tell the truth.
My purpose in all of this is only to remind you to look out for yourself. So many of us here are givers. We care, possibly too much. We want to help. We feel bad for them. Just remember there's a you too. 
- FoolMeTwice
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Re: Hi I'm new here.
Still Wondering wrote:
Give it a year, two at the most. Don't waste five years letting her tell you that she doesn't know what she wants.
In 2015 when she first went through this questioning of her identity and sexuality, she came out of it with a willingness to commit to our relationship. I think that she truly meant it at the time and it lasted for a year which, in retrospect may have just been borrowed time. She could go through the same process again and arrive at the same conclusion, which is essentially "I'm bisexual but in a monogamous relationship and that is my choice". Two weeks later either one of us could meet someone that sweeps us off of our feet or one of us could die of a heart attack. Nothing is permanent.
I think compared to the few topics I've read at this site I'm relatively lucky in that she hasn't cheated and been nothing if not completely honest and forthcoming. At least to the extent that she can put into words what is going on in her head.
But I also get what you're saying. Staying in the relationship is really the easy option. She's been a stay at home mom for the past 12 years. We have a nice middle class life together.. If it were to come to divorce and alimony there's no way my income could support two households at the same standard of living.
She believes in complete and total honesty, possibly to a fault. That includes being honest with herself about who she is in the core of her being. Maybe I'm still wearing rose colored glasses but I don't think she would lie to herself to keep those creature comforts. She's more the type that would rather live in poverty than be inauthentic to her self.
We tried four or five different therapists. I know there are several people here who had good sessions, but in my experience, none of the five had a clue as to what to say or do. They all said they did, but 8 sessions in, all I got was a debit of $800 in my bank account. Just know that if you can't find a good counselor, we're here to bounce ideas off of.
Thanks and I do appreciate it. I'm not really looking for couples counseling, just someone who can help me process. I'm not one who has done a lot of counseling so when I go to a referral site and they ask me what type of counseling I want it's somewhat confusing. I'm not sure if it's relationships/marriage, family, etc. Ideally I'm looking for someone who can help me in dealing with my feelings without over burdening my friends and family. I kind of with that there was a 1-800 for counseling services where you can talk to an advisor who can point you to highly yelp rated providers in your area.
It came down to to the fact that my husband had not been completely honest with me since before we were married. Marriage is too sacred to let it be built on dishonesty
Then I'm just as culpable. I'm sure that I've tarnished our relationship by not always been completely honest. That's not to say that I've been unfaithful but everyone has secrets or chooses not to divulge the full truth all of the time. I get that it's not my fault that we're going though this but it's possible that our marriage could have failed any number of times if she hadn't been forgiving of my foibles.
1. You're in denial.
2. Can you get a three way?
3. Hit the gym and lawyer up.
1) Probably. It is the first stage of grief after all.
2) Haha, no.
3) HItting the gym is helping with my sanity. I'm not at the stage to lawyer up just yet.
Thanks everyone.
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Hi I'm new here.
Foolme,
A sad welcome. I'll chime in ..I am not an optimist.
I hear what you're saying...you want to support her..you love her.
Can you live with her going out and seeing other woman? If she goes shopping with a friend is it just 2 friends shopping or is a date? Did they go to the mall or a hotel room? If you can live with that that is your choice.
Your whole post seems to be about what she wants. Her needs etc. She doesn't sound like a good wife at all.
You say she's a stay at home mom.
From what you wrote it's only a matter of time then until.she finds a gay lover.
My ex was a stay at home mom too...she stayed home and conducted her affair while I worked. Then she decided she wanted a divorce. How would she live?...she thought she would continue to stay home. Her lover and the lover's kids would live there too. I would pay her 90% of my salary and have to live in a homeless shelter. That was her opinion of me. She had no problem saying she loved me.
Just saying...I hear you ..you love her. But I don't think she loves you. You may find she really loathes you. I hope you think about what you want.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- FoolMeTwice
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Re: Hi I'm new here.
FoolMeTwice,
Have you tried the Yahoo group for MMOMW (Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work)?
I wasn't aware of this at all but reading material on mixed orientation marriages it seems like it's in line with my values more than the other materials I've been reading on this topic. I'm still waiting to be added to the Yahoo Group but thank you for sharing this with me.
Despite my best wants this will still come down to her determining if remaining in our marriage is right for her. I obviously can't force her to do anything that she doesn't want to do but I can suggest that we look into it together and get her reaction.
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Thread Starter- FoolMeTwice
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Re: Hi I'm new here.
My purpose in all of this is only to remind you to look out for yourself. So many of us here are givers. We care, possibly too much. We want to help. We feel bad for them. Just remember there's a you too.
I'm certain that you're right and thanks for the advice. Part of my default nature when faced with a fight or flight response is to try and fix whatever is broken. I know that I can only do that if both parties want it fixed.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Hi I'm new here.
Hi FMT,
Life is not all suffering. It really isn't. But you are certainly suffering now - your wife is dragging you round in descending circles making it up to you to make the marriage work while she goes on the hunt for a new girlfriend who just might be the one she can leave you for.
She has pushed you into this situation.
You have to turn the tables. Stop trying to make her happy, stop with the compromises. Make her do the running to keep you in the marriage, not the other way round. Don't try to be a good husband to her for the rest of your life while your wife isn't being a good wife to you. It hurts more and more with age.