Welcome Ludoncolo. 

I'm so sorry you have to face this issue.  

You need to know that there are always solutions for your situation.  You just might not be able to see them yet.  Write down a list of priorities.. it will help you ground yourself a little bit at a time when the earth seems to be shaking beneath your feet.  

One day at a time.. Are there any major decisions that need to be made tomorrow?  

To give you advice I guess I would have to understand your priorities.  Is the degree your priority?  If so, then go ahead and move in with her to solve some near term problems..  IF you can handle the heartache of being around the love of your life while she's moving on to someone else.  If you can't do that, then maybe let it be a short term solution until another option presents itself. 

Be kind to yourself..  The heartbroken part is going to want to take over..  it's ok to let it happen.  Consider talking to the university to see if you can get a year delay on your acceptance  due to personal issues.. then maybe you can get some things sorted out and be in a better place?

No matter what.. know that you have friends and support here.  If you just need to vent.. share your story, ask for understanding..  please do it.  We've been through it and can help. 

Thanks lostdad! I truly appreciate people here hearing my story out and trying to help me. I think I will have to do what you suggest. I don't know about the legalities of it, and I mean if it might affect me in the future, preventing me from proving I didn't consent with the adulterous relationship...

Given I can not postpone this program and that I've been working towards it for 5 years, working and studying for my bachelor prior to this, I can't let this go. I also already paid $12,000 for the classes of just the first semester. I am deep into it and I can't let go of this dream, even though my personal issues are taking a huge toll, which is why I'm trying to sort through my feelings instead of sleeping/studying. But this helps and I thank you guys out there for your kindness.

Thanks Daryl.

It's very nice that there are people out there that are willing to put their time into helping others in need expecting nothing in return. I'm very grateful you people exist and it gives me a little hope in human kind through these very hard times...

I will investigate the legalities together with possible solutions... My wife seems to have moved on already... She's all joyful and sparkly, excited about her new life and looking forward to what's coming for her... Usually when I'm in a bad place she would sympathize and help me through it. I'm not saying I resent her cheerfulness, but seeing her all joyful while I'm in immense pain trying to figure out what to do with my life, just adds to the pain and makes me feel even more alone and isolated. I like to share my feelings with my loved ones, both my joys and my sorrows. Seeing her so happy while I'm in pain almost feels like my pain is pleasant to her. It's not the case: she's happy because she's in love. But she's not a receptor of my emotions, nobody is at this time... I don't want to call my family abroad and tell them what's going on... They think I'm living the dream of my life, in the land of opportunities... Instead I'm living the nightmare.... I'm not saying it'd be better if we were both in pain, but seeing the person you love unfazed by your pain is painful itself... It's not rational, but it makes me feel unworthy and basically insignificant.

That might be something else to put into the equation... If I live with them (my "wife", her girlfriend, and children), how is their happiness going to affect me while I'm studying, have no time to invest into new relationships and basically isolate from the whole world? No man's an island. I need loving people around, that care about my feelings.

Last edited by Ludoncolo (February 16, 2017 3:03 pm)

What did you do for a job before getting into this doctorate program?  Can you go back to doing that for now, to support yourself?  You two can work out what to do about your son (who he lives with, visitation, etc.).  Are you in any danger of being deported?

There are so many aspects of moving forward that each one deserves projecting it out to what you see it likely becoming, and then trying to feel what it would feel like to live that reality.  When you look at "finish doctorate" vs. "not finish doctorate", the choice is getting something vs. not.  So it seems like getting the doctorate would be the right choice, and then you line up the scenario necessary to make that happen.  But that's not really how it's going to be.  You would need to sit and think about these various situations and what you think they'd look and feel like.

Scenario 1: Move out of in-laws with wife, her girlfriend, and girlfriend's kids.  Go to school, be in a home that's essentially run by them as the couple of the house, and try to study hard and be clear-headed while watching your wife cheat gleefully on you.  Or comfort her when she's sad because she's had a fight with her girlfriend or things aren't what she thought they'd be.  You will be her comfort when her lover dissapoints her.  (you might think this would mean you'd get her back, but it won't last - she'll go back and forth with the girlfriend, or get a new one).

Scenario 2: Go back to work and get your own place and have your son live with his mom and do every-other-weekend visitation.

Scenario 3:  Go back to your country to rebuild your life - leaving your son.

Really SIT and marinate in the reality of how each of these scenarios would feel - what the likely outcome would be if you chose that scenario.  Toss out the one that makes you want to throw up.  Keep doing that until you're left with only the scenario that bothers you LEAST.  It's still not easy, but at least you could see yourself doing it.

The other option is to just put your foot down and tell her NO - you're NOT giving her permission to cheat on you, (a.k.a. "explore").  Wanna bet that if you give her that option, she'll move on from you right away?  She's only giving you the option to choose what you want because she has EVERY INTENTION of emotionally and intimately leaving you.  Whether you want to hang around and watch is the only choice you're being given.  She thinks that she's being good to you by giving you the choice of whether you want to watch her cheating unfold or not.  She's not.  She's so dead inside to you that she can hurt you in order to get what she wants - you wanna watch? Fine with her!  You wanna hang around and help cook and clean and raise the kids?  Fine by her - you can babysit while she and her girlfriend go on dates and hook up at hotels.  Or spend all their time in THEIR bedroom.  She has already moved on from you.  She just figures if she makes it look like she's giving you choices, that makes her look better.  But trust me, she WILL do what she wants if you don't pick something from the list she's given you.

I'm sorry you're in this position.  It's not fair.  And it didn't JUST happen.  She knew months if not years ago that she was gay.  She could have stopped you before you committed to this program, but she didn't.  Because that would have made her look bad.  She's got you when you're on a full roll, hoping that you'll be so focused on that that you choose to continue on that course.  She knew.  She just didn't respect you enough to tell you.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (February 15, 2017 12:52 pm)