Hi motheroffour,

You've tried for over 20 years to do it his way and that hasn't worked. My three are all in their 20s, I didn't have the dilemma of whether to tell them or not, we're 18mths post TGT and it was my 22 year old found out, his father allowed the situation develop whereby my son witnessed him on Grindr, my son confided in one of his sisters. He withheld this information from me until he was clear in his head what he witnessed was correct, the other sister was told and my son (the youngest) confronted his father.................all before I had any idea of any of it!

So for me my three children knew of their father's homosexuality before he had the balls to disclose to me. In the aftermath of it all my children probably learned too much but two of them said they'd far rather know what we're dealing with, the third backtracked, asked personal questions at first and decided afterwards she shouldn't have been told any of the details, even though when she asked questions I knew the answer to I asked her was she sure she wanted to ask that question. She's the one who has shown more empathy for her father than me. The other two totally get it from my perspective and can see his wrongdoing............... over 28 years married, 25 of them he was living a depraved seedy double life.

I'd love to have been afforded the opportunity to have some say in how, when and what my children were told, we can never go back.

I think you've covered for your ex for long enough, it suits him that your children blame you for the divorce, why would he want to rock that boat but it's time for you to speak YOUR truth and for your children to know the truth. I think giving him an ultimatum is good idea, the only thing you don't want to happen is he tells them alone and you don't have an input or a clear picture of what's being said, you need to be there and hear for yourself what he says if he chooses to try and tell them alone. Tell him you've had enough, it's not that you CAN'T cover up for him anymore it's that you WON'T. Even if they do hate you more at least they'll know the truth and will know why you divorced, ask them if they'd be willing to live with a gay partner just for the sake of the children. Now that they're adults I'm sure they would not. And I'd think even it they initially "hated" you it'd be short lived and a knee jerk reaction they'd overcome. I wouldn't wish how mine found out on anyone, having some input yourself is not a lot to ask for now that the youngest have reached 18.

motheroffour,

Sorry I took you up incorrectly, Ah the difference between your GIDX and your "real" husband saying they may hate you more is worlds apart!!! I get your husband is looking out for you, that's great, perhaps in time he can have an honest talk with your children about coming into your life as a survivor of a GIDX, it may help them understand you and your situation somewhat!

I'm glad you decided to be honest with one offspring, the first would probably have been the hardest, the others will become easier as you gain confidence in your decision and your truth!!

Good luck with the remaining three and well done on getting your truth out to your daughter. XX

OutofHisCloset -

Our gay exs forfeited the right to keep their sexuality private by marrying us straight spouses under false pretenses.  We have a gay man here in the office whom EVERYONE knows is gay.  But he never speaks of it - says "We did X" when describing home.  Never a pronoun him/her, or a name.  Fine.  He wants to keep his sexuality under wraps from his coworkers, totally his right.  I'm never going to ask him about a partner, because it's clear he doesn't mix business and personal life.  Fine.  You can be a out-and-proud gay, or a closet gay - and that's your choice.  But you DON'T get to marry a straight person, have babies with them, come out, and then ask that it be kept private.  As if it's "YOUR" secret.  You have a SHARED life.  The straight spouse is as entitled to tell their truth just as the gay spouse would have been entitled to hide thiers - IF they didn't get with a straight spouse under false pretenses.

That being said, I realize that it's not always the best choice to tell everyone about your gay ex.  My ex's family made sure Grandma never knew (she was like, 98!).  It would serve NO purpose but to dissapoint / dismay her, and we all feared that she would treat our children differently than all the other great-grandchildren.  Part of me said, "Then LET her - if that's who she is, her great-grandchildren deserve to know".  And the other part of me realized that we lived 4 hours from great grandma and saw her maybe once a year.  Just. let it. BE.

If keeping your spouse's secret is causing alienation from your friends and family, then you are giving up your own life in some manner so that he doesn't need to give up his.  You think, "How kind I am".  But it's Chump Lady kinda stuff.  HE isn't putting you first.  He hasn't all along.  His attempts at getting you to keep his secret are transparent.  Pull the plug on him.  Who knows - maybe he'll be much happier living an authentic life once the truth is out there and he has nothing left to fear.

Motheroffour - I personally think that all children of gay spouses married to straight SHOULD be told.  They have every right to know the truth that is their own lives.  It gets confusing because we have always hid our sexuality from our children.  We don't walk around making sexual jokes in front of them, or talk about our tryst with our partner (whether it be their other parent or not), and we don't talk about what we like in the bedroom.  It's private.  So we get into this trap of thinking of sexual preference as being about sex.  And it is therefore off-limits to the kids.  If you put sexual preference in the box of "private intimacy", then you never have a need to tell the kids - and you probably shouldn't.  Private intimacy should truly only be discussed between the people sharing it.  HOWEVER,..... sexual preference is NOT purely "sexual".  It is a core pillar of someone's personality.  Your children thought they knew these things about their father before any other truths came into play:
1.  He is a male
2.  He is straight
3.  He loves Mom

The rest allllll came after - what kind of integrity he has, what his favorite foods are, whether he likes sports or not, and how he shows affection and dissatisfaction.  Before ANY of that was male, straight, loves Mom.  If one (or more) of those things is not what they thought it was, then they do not truly know that person any longer.  This is why we feel so off-kilter when we find out our spouse is gay.  Because we built a foundation on a core pillar that wasn't what we were told it was.  Which means that someone was lying to us about their very essence.  And suddenly, you feel as though your entire relationship with them has been a lie.  Because they KNEW you assumed X about one of their core pillars, and they did not correct you.  They continued to let you believe a lie.  Which means they actively participated in lying you to the point where you never knew them when you thought you did.  You were having a relationship with someone that literally didn't exist. 

This is also why it's so difficult to be told that your straight parent is gay.  But if it's THAT big of a deal, then it most certainly needs to be told to the people who have relationships with him that are built on lies.  He should tell them.  But if he won't, then you do it.  Because they deserve to know.  They deserve to know that not only is he not who they thought he was (and they are therefore not having an authentic relationship with him), but he wasn't who Mom thought he was.  Which wasn't fair to her.  It means she couldn't continue the relationship without throwing herself into the fire.  And so you then have compassion for your mother.  And you know more of your father's true character.  Which you deserve to know if you're going to continue a relationship with him.

They do not need to be told how to feel.  They do not need details - especially ones they don't ask for.  People think they want to know these things, but there's no answer that will fully satisfy them - because they can't understand.  So don't tell them that (example) he sometimes couldn't get hard.  It draws a mental picture that makes them want to puke.  Tell them instead that it was clear that he was not excited by the female body.  Then let them extrapolate.  If the say, "What do you mean?" You say, "Sweetie - you're an adult.  I'm sure that you can figure out what I mean when I say that."  Tell them how you felt lonely, and were often lonley in their father's presence.  And he knew - you told him.  And he didn't care enough to fix the problem.  Or maybe he couldn't fix the problem.  Either way, it wasn't going to change.  And you decided that while leaving wouldn't ensure your happiness, staying would ensure your UNhappiness.  And that you couldn't keep living that way.  They need to be told the truth, and how YOU feel.  What you've suffered through, and how cheated you were.  And how you're finally living authentically now.

Your children will not likely hate you.  I'm not sure why your current husband is saying that.  Maybe he believes it.  Or maybe he just wants to brush this thing under the rug and have it all go to sleep already.  Because after all, if the kids get told, there will a time period where it's all about your ex.  That's difficult for any man.  Your current husband wants to feel like none of this should matter now that he's in your life.  That he's giving you enough love and everything else to have your ex fade into the background.  And no matter what he's doing, that's not happening.  I think though that as long as you keep your ex's secret, your children will continue to blame you for the divorce, and it keeps this beast alive.  Let the truth out.  Let it marinate for a while.  Then it will start to decompress.  THEN it won't constantly be about your ex.  Tell him this.  That you're tired of anticipating the explosion.  Let's pull the rip cord and support each other through the mayhem that follows.  So we can get to the other side.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (April 19, 2017 12:59 pm)

Thanks for your reply, Kel.
My decision to talk about my GIDx was based on the fact that my children relate to me through their father's interpretations. If he had stepped back and allowed me to have my own relationship with my children and not poisoned them with malicious lies to protect himself, I would have had no need to tell them. I covered for him and put up with the contempt for 25 years.
As others have said, the divorce was traumatic as he presented such a gentle and reasonable front, anything I said was proof that he was the victim!!! I have waited until they are all old enough to leave home.
My daughter said to me that the only pain she felt from the divorce was due to my anger, I replied that the fact that she only remembers that is because that was her father's focus and that she has no other pain was simply due to how well I had protected her from what was really going on. That was the opening point to a fuller explanation. She has a child herself and has just left the father. I could be much more open about how I know he is gay than I would with a younger child... I could then describe situations that she remembers as a child, but from my perspective, which of course she had never considered before.. tears began to flow. She bought me a bunch of flowers afterwards, the first time I have had a gesture of kindness from any of my kids spontaneously, ever... now for the other three...
My beautiful husband was only concerned about the disclosure causing me more pain. Not about himself. That is part of ' the difference". Living with a man who puts me first. How can such a creature really exist!
Thank you for all your posts, your words have given me the confidence to take this step finally.