Disillusioned,

I hear you. I gave up 30 years. 30 years without love, to a husband who could barely look me in the eyes. Constantly rejected sexually until I had no self-esteem left. He made me think it was my fault. I was too critical, spent too much time on the children, didn't initiate intimacy, etc... I am so angry.

The good news is, I have a chance now. I will have a normal relationship in the future. My children will see me happy, adored, cherished, respected. And he will probably die in the closet - sad and lonely. 

It's the most selfish choice a person can make. Keep that in mind. Any time I start to feel sorry for him I remember that HE HAD A CHOICE. I didn't.

Thank you for joining in!

Disillusioned,

Welcome to our sometimes sad but supportive place.

Some of us lost a lot more than 10 years.  I never suspected until she started texting her friend a little too much.

I'm divorced and  trying to figure out how to move on.

Feel free to post and tell your story...our stories say how we got to where we are.  They don't say where we're going though.

My story.

I was 8 months pregnant and four years into my marriage when I found a notebook my husband had stuffed under the seat of my car. He was in AA and doing a 12-step study. The notebook was a catalogue of his fourth step - taking a fearless moral inventory. I didn't know what it was so I opened it and one the first page, #1 - homosexuality. #2 - broken vows.
That was that moment that you all know so well. When the picture of your life crumbles like the walls of a home in an earthquake. When you realize you're living with a stranger.

When I stopped being hysterical I walked in the house and told him to get out. For two days I wouldn't talk to him. When I did, he confessed to going to other towns to visit adult books stores for "anonymous oral sex." But claimed it was only when he felt bad about himself and that he thought that he'd been abused as a child but couldn't remember. This turned out to be a recurring theme and I don't believe it for a minute. I've found searches on his computer that lead me to believe he thought that would make me feel sorry for him and not think of him as gay.

I was not working and madly in love with my unborn child and ready to be a mom.  I could not bear to start over at that point and I believed him. He swore his love for me over and over and it was behind him and all the familiar refrains. And I bought it. But it was never the same.

Three years later in an absolutely miserable and sexless marriage, we had too much to drink one night, watched a romantic movie and created our second child. That was 24 years ago and one of the last times we were intimate. I threw myself into motherhood and loved every minute.  We moved to the country, he started a small business and I homeschooled the kids. I got my love and affection from my children and we didn't talk about the problem. Then one day I had an anonymous phone call telling me that my husband was "having an affair and everyone knew it." With my hairdresser, who was surprisingly, a woman. He denied it completely, said her husband was crazy, and though I didn't believe him, I stayed. I didn't want to wreck my children's lives. Along the way, he'd started drinking again, first in secret, and then about five years ago stopped hiding it and began to drink openly in the evenings, and began to hang out with a bunch of guys (all married, all very conservative, local big wigs, and definitely not gay-friendly) on Friday nights at one of their homes. His drinking escalated. Cue more misery. I moved upstairs to my daughter's room when she left for college.

About seven or eight years ago, I had a feeling something was going on and put spyware on our business computer. I discovered that he had created fake names and email accounts and was signed up for different "cheater" type websites. I never  saw any conversation but he would get "flirt alerts" from cross-dressers. This is when I learned the term shemale. I think this time I was even more devastated than the first. There was no denying it any more, no explanations, no hiding the fact that my husband was attracted to men. That all his talk of growing old together, this unspoken bargain we had struck, was false. I was living a barren, loveless life, but being faithful, and he was not. Even if he wasn't actually seeing anyone, he was not being true.

I fell apart, raged at him, sobbed hysterically, called him a $&@# faggot, to which he replied, "I guess I am," and walked out.

As toxic situations go, we didn't speak about it again and our relationship went from strained to non-existent. I still couldn't imagine breaking up the marriage however, because of our children. One in college, one in high school.

Fast forward to this past year. Our son graduated and moved out and I stood in the kitchen one day and felt more alone than I've felt in my entire life. I realized that with my children grown and out of the house, I would spend the rest of my life without hugs, smiles, affection. I pictured a woman loading the dishwasher and her husband walking in and kissing her and taking her hand, and started to cry. I had never known that and never would. If I stayed.

A few months later we went on what should have been a wonderful vacation with our grown kids but I was miserable with him. We were in a romantic, tropical locale, and we had to share a room (which we haven't done for years), and we lay next to one another not touching. Several nights I listened to him throwing up in the bathroom because he drank too much. Our kids went from thinking "dad is so much fun!" to being embarrassed. When we got home I knew I had to make one last effort to get him sober and create some kind of friendship that would sustain us, or call it quits. I decided to check his computer again before I put forth any effort.

What I found shocked me to the core. Not only was he looking at gay porn daily, signed up for several "dating" services, but he was very active on a disgusting cruising website called squirt.org. He had a profile page with photos of his body wearing nothing but a women's thong, naked photos of his penis and bottom, all taken in our bathroom. He had multiple conversations with men that left no doubts of his preferences. He had conversations about meeting for sex. Discussed being married and in the closet, buying women's underwear in another town pretending it was for me, made appreciative comments about other men's photos. It was sickening. I' knew I could not stay married to this man no matter what it cost our children or my financial security.

Hard to believe, but he still denied being gay. Said this was just porn and just talk. That he didn't go to sites where he could talk to women only because of his fear of rejection. I sat there in his car and listened to all this and actually started to believe it. Fortunately, I came to a moment of clarity. I heard a voice in my head say, "straight men do not get turned on by other men's dicks" (sorry for the blunt language). When I refused to accept his excuses he tried to blame me and said I must be having an affair and looking for an excuse to leave.

I spent months trying to reason and talk and be friends and supportive. Thankfully I got into therapy and began to truly detach. I filed for divorce five months ago and have been slowly gathering all the paperwork to move forward. He has not moved out so I spend most of my time at my mother's.

We usually manage to avoid one another but occasionally, like the other night, we cross paths at home and it can get ugly.  This last time he accused me of spying on his computer again (which I am not), and when I told him he could do whatever he wanted on his personal devices, but I do not want porn, gay or otherwise, on our business computer (our son works for him), he went ballistic. He claimed that he's "not doing any of that!" and that he "isn't gay!" And it escalated. I know better than to fight with a person who will lie and manipulate and shift the blame to the bitter end, but I fell into the trap.

I believe the only reason he hasn't tried to convince me that I imagined it all is because I saved his photos and conversations on a flash drive and gave a copy to my attorney. He has denied all previous conversations and discoveries. Although, in the heat of battle at the beginning of the divorce proceedings, he finally admitted that something happened with my hairdresser, although he says since they never had intercourse it wasn't an affair. Making out is not adultery!

I want to tell our children but I've decided that I will wait and see what happens. Not ruling out telling them, but will give it a little more time. I told his brother two days ago. It felt so liberating. His brother has been so upset about the impending divorce and hurt that he had to hear about it from a family member other than my husband. Our families have been close and I knew he deserved to know the truth. He was shocked to say the least, and is very angry with my husband for doing this to the kids and to me. He's also angry that my husband would not trust his own brother with the truth of who he is. I'm glad I told him. I don't think he will talk to my husband about it but at least he understands now that I did not make this decision lightly.

Where do I go from here? A complex divorce - two businesses, a farm, and a house to divide. Finding a job at age 55. Maybe relocating to another town. Finding someone to love and be loved by. Scary as shit all of it. But I am free and determined to live an authentic life.

The most helpful thing my first therapist told me was to remember the story of Moses leading the Israelites in the desert. It was rough and some wanted to go back to slavery where at least they had a bed and meals. He asked me if I was willing to stay in bondage for three meals and a cot, or face my fears and step out into freedom. I'm stepping out of bondage. No question.

I can't believe I wrote all this down and am going to post it. I would apologize for the length but I won't, because if it helps someone the way I've been helped reading your stories, then it's all good.

Please don't feel stupid or weak. The layer upon layers involved is like nothing else. I love the comparison of joy and grief at the same time. I remember the first day after he was gone, coming home from work and feeling like I could breathe, and that a dark, suffocating blanket had been lifted off our home. I slept better that night than I had in years. We are survivors one way or the other , we've made it through the madness to the other side, battle scarred like crazy, but still standing.

KellyClark, 
1.  You are not stupid. 
2.  You are not weak. 
3.  This is a rollercoaster. 
STOP judging yourself so harshly.  This is such a difficult thing to endure. 

We all have self-doubt, especially when living with someone who tells us what we know is crazy. 
Be gentle on yourself. 

I found reading and writing so therapeutic during the times when I was at my lowest.   

Do what you need to do for yourself. 

M