OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- larssongirl
- Member
Offline
Re: After 2,700 miles, 12 states, and 7 days I entered hell
Thanks jkpeace!
Yeah, it might be. He has lashed out at me in the past. Threatened me with taking away the necessary things I would need to do my job, therefore threatening my livelihood. He apologized for that, but much later. That happened about two weeks ago to this date, and it was awful. He hasn't lashed out at me since Jan 27th...but that isn't saying much. He has since apologized for much of what he has done and said, and has made positive moves action-wise how to repair the damage. His memory isn't the greatest, and most of the stuff I have found..I found laying around because he is completely unorganized. I am not entirely sure what he goes back and looks at as far as "trophy" pictures go...but my thinking is it's not often.
The thing is is that I do NOT want to go back to CA. It's too expensive there to have a place of my own, and I would rather suffer much more than this before I move back in with my parents. My financial situation isn't dire, but I don't have money to put down on a house or an apartment right now. The way for me is forward. I wouldn't turn back for anything. I have already given up so much already, and to go ALL the way back the route that I just came only a month ago just sets chills up and down my spine.
I have had friends back "home" say, hey we will come and pick you up, etc. etc. But I really don't want to impose on them, and then end up back in the place I began in. Where I was stuck, not moving forward in my career, not much money, etc. So that is one problem.
I want more than anything to help my SO heal from his past. I already am healing (or was) from mine, and I know how hard it is. However...I will not be waiting around forever to see if he is ready for a new phase of his life. The common advice is: once gay, always gay. I am not too certain of this...I have seen instances of the opposite, and that gave me a little hope. And I personally think it really IS a choice. Brain chemistry, yeah, okay...that is one portion. But it really comes down to it being a CHOICE.
I just need to know what his choice is going to be.
Thank you for your insight!!
jkpeace wrote:
Larssongirl,
I agree with Daryl. Confronting him may be dangerous for you. I can't think of anything to be gained by confronting him. No matter what he says, you won't know if it's true or another lie. He could become more manipulative.
You entitled this thread, yourself: "After 2,700 miles, 12 states, and 7 days I entered hell." Can you go home? Can you go back to California? Right now, can you call someone? Is there someone you could ask for help? Can you go back home, find some space...take as much time as you need to breathe, by yourself, and just think of what your next steps can be?
You don't have to make a decision, yet. You could just give yourself a bit of time and space to think. Breathe, until you can get a moment of clarity? You are overwhelmed, right now. You can't think straight, where you are. Please, consider taking the time and distance you need to get your thoughts together. Listen to your intuition. Listen to yourself. You can do what needs to be done. If you can get yourself 2,700 miles, 12 states, and 7 days to hell, I believe you can find the strength to turn around and find a better place to be.
We all want nothing but the best for you.
- Still Wondering
- Member
Offline
Re: After 2,700 miles, 12 states, and 7 days I entered hell
Holy crap! That is more information - and very pertinent information! OK, it's time to stop worrying about him and change your focus 100% to you. I was all down with the being nice to him and helping him through stuff while telling him it won't work HOWEVER, this other information tells an entirely different story. It makes me worried for you.
First, let me say, this is horseshit (yes, to answer your question, you can cuss here). You've been down the same road we all have with the hiding and lying. If he's already had interactions with men and is wiping the computers clean to hide these things from you, what else could he be doing behind your back?
Do you have family in California who could help pay for a return ticket? Can you get your old job back? If you have no place to go in your new city and you can't get a plane ticket asap, just quietly start making plans. Don't put yourself in danger. Make your plan, get out, then tell him. he has presented you with nothing but lies and deceit to get you to travel completely across the country. You owe him nothing. Get started, good luck, keep posting.
- Still Wondering
- Member
Offline
Re: After 2,700 miles, 12 states, and 7 days I entered hell
I think I was writing my response as you were posting your last one. Ok - so you don't want to move back to CA. That's understandable, but what about just taking your friends up on their offer for now and then deciding where you'll go from there. I'd rather see you take your time and make a decision from a safe place than stick around in a city you don't even know with a man who lied to get you to give up everything and follow him.
I know you said you think gay can be changed. That's a matter of opinion but I will tell you that from experience (years of experience and years on this forum) it just can't. However.....let's say he can change to being straight. What still remains is that he's a liar, he's deceptive, he's also lashed out at you, threatened you. Would you want this man even if he were straight?
- phoenix
- Administrator
Offline
Re: After 2,700 miles, 12 states, and 7 days I entered hell
The common advice is: once gay, always gay. I am not too certain of this...I have seen instances of the opposite, and that gave me a little hope. And I personally think it really IS a choice. Brain chemistry, yeah, okay...that is one portion. But it really comes down to it being a CHOICE.
This is common advice for a very good reason.
I'll be honest here.. For most of my life I thought same sex attraction was a choice. After being married to a lesbian for 16 years.. I now know FOR SURE that for her it was not a choice. I know this because she tried so hard for so long to not be a lesbian. So what you are attracted to is not a choice.. it is wired into you. However, what you chose to do sexually is absolutely a choice. You can chose to have sex with men or women or both.. or neither. You can chose to be monogamous or you can chose to cheat on your spouse, etc.. But let's be real.. nearly everyone is going to chose to have sex with the gender they are attracted to. Some will take the high road, especially if they are already married and have kids, etc.. But most will at some point break down and chose to have sex with who they are attracted to.
I don't think there is a single person on this board who has any direct experience with a person who has honestly changed their attraction.
I also don't think there are many people on this board who found clues of sexual deviance and didn't find out later that their SO was doing more and worse behind their backs. It's almost a dead rule here.. If you find some smoke there will be fire. Those pictures you have found are smoke.
I think you are asking a question that will lead to trouble. You are asking what his choice will be. In almost all of our cases, our spouses chose us because they were not willing to come out of the closet. If you ask him what his choice is right now.. He will chose you. But he will do it for the wrong reasons. You will think it's great, but you will be let down later.
Please be careful!
Have you considered finding a straight spouse network group in your area? We have chapters all over the country. Getting a chance to meet some people with similar experience in person could be an amazing help to you.
Last edited by lostdad (February 3, 2017 4:54 pm)
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: After 2,700 miles, 12 states, and 7 days I entered hell
Yeah my ex being gay is just the icing on the cake...it makes her affair and betrayal irrevocable.
The lies added on top..years of keeping it secret. ..it means I could never trust her even if she repented and showed remorse. I can forgive but the distrust will always be there....if she were to go shopping with a friend...are they just friends or is it a date?
They make it impossible to trust them ever again even if we wanted to.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- larssongirl
- Member
Offline
Re: After 2,700 miles, 12 states, and 7 days I entered hell
Hi lostdad,
Thank you for your insight. It's really helpful and gives me a little hope that things will be okay.
I will look into a chapter in my area. Right now I am focused on doing this safely and securely. But being thousands of miles from any family or friends, not knowing anyone in the area and certainly not having a good chunk of change in the bank...I wonder how long I can live like this. I feel like I am living a lie and I don't know what else to do but try and talk to him about what is going on inside of me.
But perhaps you are right, that would be the dangerous thing to do right now.
I feel I deserve the love and adoration of someone who is attracted to me, and only me. Someone who is willing to think of me, and only me...not wish that I was someone else or a different gender when things are not going well.
I've been choking on the smoke it's so bad, so I know the fire is damn terrible once I bust through that door. But looking at everyone's responses on here, maybe it is just best to let the firefighters handle it and I should get the hell out while I can. Thank you for the help!
The common advice is: once gay, always gay. I am not too certain of this...I have seen instances of the opposite, and that gave me a little hope. And I personally think it really IS a choice. Brain chemistry, yeah, okay...that is one portion. But it really comes down to it being a CHOICE.
This is common advice for a very good reason.
I'll be honest here.. For most of my life I thought same sex attraction was a choice. After being married to a lesbian for 16 years.. I now know FOR SURE that for her it was not a choice. I know this because she tried so hard for so long to not be a lesbian. So what you are attracted to is not a choice.. it is wired into you. However, what you chose to do sexually is absolutely a choice. You can chose to have sex with men or women or both.. or neither. You can chose to be monogamous or you can chose to cheat on your spouse, etc.. But let's be real.. nearly everyone is going to chose to have sex with the gender they are attracted to. Some will take the high road, especially if they are already married and have kids, etc.. But most will at some point break down and chose to have sex with who they are attracted to.
I don't think there is a single person on this board who has any direct experience with a person who has honestly changed their attraction.
I also don't think there are many people on this board who found clues of sexual deviance and didn't find out later that their SO was doing more and worse behind their backs. It's almost a dead rule here.. If you find some smoke there will be fire. Those pictures you have found are smoke.
I think you are asking a question that will lead to trouble. You are asking what his choice will be. In almost all of our cases, our spouses chose us because they were not willing to come out of the closet. If you ask him what his choice is right now.. He will chose you. But he will do it for the wrong reasons. You will think it's great, but you will be let down later.
Please be careful!
Have you considered finding a straight spouse network group in your area? We have chapters all over the country. Getting a chance to meet some people with similar experience in person could be an amazing help to you.
- •
Thread Starter- larssongirl
- Member
Offline
Re: After 2,700 miles, 12 states, and 7 days I entered hell
Well that didn't go as planned.
I had been networking for my escape back up plan and he found out. He had grabbed my phone while I was out of the room and went through my messages. How many? Just from one friend he doesn't like.
Last night I talked to him about bringing down certain walls so I could rebuild trust, and he acted indifferent and really could care less. That was kind of all I needed to hear.
Drat. Now what.
- •
Thread Starter- maresyd
- Member
Offline
Re: After 2,700 miles, 12 states, and 7 days I entered hell
larssongirl....keep moving forward. It's obvious he knows, if he didn't already know, that you don't trust him. Please be safe.
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- larssongirl
- Member
Offline
Re: After 2,700 miles, 12 states, and 7 days I entered hell
Hi jkpeace,
I wouldn't have categorized it that way before, but I guess in way yeah, I am. There really is nothing for me over there, except for financial struggles and being stuck living in my parents house because it's too expensive to live there. But more than anything I wanted this to work. Now I am scared and don't know what to do.
He acts like he cares, and then there are times where he isn't. It's just inconsistent and I cannot hang my hat on anything he says.
I think that is a great idea. I will bring this to my counselor on Tuesday morning when I go to see her. She is free through the county, so that is a definite bonus. But I want to talk to her about what I should do.
My SO is already aware that I was thinking about leaving, and that was what he was most upset about. I am trying so hard to make things work, but if there is things I am in the dark about, there is no way we can move forward and heal.
Really hope it doesn't come down to a shelter. But even that would be better than having to drive ALL the way back across the damn states.
Larssongirl,
Are you running away from CA and your past there, more than running to this SO? If I were you, I would take every single entry you wrote, here, and share it with a counselor...or even take it to a women's shelter (with your dog and all of your belongings); maybe someone could help you, there.
- •
Thread Starter- larssongirl
- Member
Offline
Re: After 2,700 miles, 12 states, and 7 days I entered hell
That is the plan. Like I told jkpeace, just going to try and put my feelers out there and see who is willing to help me. Going back to the west coast isn't an option, and not something that I am going to do in any case. We were supposed to be moving to DC, and I thought...if things do not clear up and start moving in a positive direction I should just wait until I am more financially stable to leave if he refuses to change.
Right now that is looking about the size of it. How he reacts when I bring up topics that are sensitive. I went through his internet history, but I don't think that he should be keeping locks on all his devices and expect me to just forgive him for looking at stuff he shouldn't and trust only his word. I needed physical actions, something that was tangible. And his initial response was: NO way. I don't trust you enough yet.
Last night he was high, so with that knowledge I knew he was going to be a little more truthful. He said that he will never trust again or be so open again. I broke down sobbing gut-wrenching sobs, and five seconds later he grabs me and says that he didn't mean it like that, that he just can't trust right NOW.
I got so angry. I, ME, I am the one whose trust was violated. Told me he hadn't looked at all that Tumblr #ftm and #trans stuff for a long, long time. Google doesn't lie. You can delete your accounts, but it will still show up in searches for at least a 7 day time span. And that was what I found, stuff he was looking at back when he said he wasn't.
Then claiming he doesn't remember.
He doesn't have the best memory, and constantly misplaces things and is very disorganized. So I can see that. But when it comes to this kind of thing, I think it's just easier for him to say he forgot about it. If he had, he wouldn't have been looking up those blogs only a mere three weeks ago when this all started.
Also told me about his friend telling him that I would ask for his passwords, and that I was a control freak. Why would he be listening to his friend unless he believed him? I told him that him doing this for me was important because MY rape is still fresh. Not discounting what happened to him at all, but at least he got professional help a couple years ago. I've had no one and nothing for THREE years, and so it's really fucking hard for me to believe he isn't up to no good when he is so secretive. If someone doesn't have anything to hide, I personally don't think it's a problem if their partner can just log into their devices. Not a big fricking deal.
Feeling so dejected, REjected, hurt and demeaned. I wanted there to be open communication and I got what I was dreading. Confirmation that he just doesn't care.
- •
Thread Starter