Hi larssongirl - Your story was feeling different to me (with all the years of childhood rape and things he shared before hand).  Typically the guys/girls we hear about on this site use sexual abuse as an excuse after the fact to try to throw us off and many times we find out they lied about the abuse as a way to deter us from the real truth.  But your story was starting to sound a bit different - like he really did have issues stemming from a life of abuse which might make him do things like look at strange porn, and which meant you might have a chance with intense counseling, UNTIL I saw the sentence toward the end of your story that said: He already told me he never planned to tell me he thought he was gay.  And herein lies the problem.  He already knows it, he's trying so hard not to be, but he knows.  As much as you love him it will be best for you both to cut ties now.  He needs to come to terms with the fact that he's gay.  That will never change.  Regardless of the fact that it could have stemmed from the abuse as a child or not, you're setting yourself up for years of lies and heartache.  That's my 2 cents - I wish I had something better to say about the whole thing, but I don't.  Many of us never got the satisfaction of an admission of being gay.  We wasted years trying to connect the dots and many (like myself) to this day are still wondering why they won't admit it.  As difficult as it is, be thankful that he's admitted it.  It takes a lot of wasted years out of the equation. 

We have a member named Kel who can comment on this situation better than many of us.  Her ex also suffered horrific and repeated abuse as a child. 

I wish you luck on your journey.  I'm sorry it took you so far away from home.  Keep reading.  You will find help here.

Welcome larssongirl.  I'm sorry you find yourself here.  It's a miserable place to be when you find yourself questioning your partners sexuality and how your life will be in the future because of this.   Be assured that you have found a good place.  We have a lot of members with a lot of unique experiences who will surely find similarities to share and have great advice to offer you.

Don't ever feel the need to be brief.  Just the act of sharing is incredibly good therapy and we all know this.. so write as much and as often as you wish.  

Regarding your situation that you shared..  You said your worst fear is that he will be unhappy in your relationship in 10,15,20 years..   My fear is that YOU will be unhappy in your relationship.  
A trait in nearly 100% of the members of this forum is that we gave ourselves fully, with love and compassion for our spouses.  We put aside our own desires to make the best of our marriages/relationships.  Unfortunately our spouses weren't honest with us about their own sexuality or gender identity and therefore were selfish.  

Perhaps I didn't understand what you wrote.. but it seems like you are worried that you will let him down.  From what I read, it sounds like he is the one with the issues and you are the one most likely to be let down.   Did I read that wrong?   

It sounds to me like you both have a lot that you need to talk about.  The fact that he has opened up to you about some of these issues is a gift.  It means that you can be honest with each other and communicate and decide how to proceed.   Consider getting a councilor or therapist to help you with this. 

larsongirl, 

The thing that touched me most in your post was..."I don't want to set him up for a life of heartbreak."  What about YOU?  

All of us are saying in one way or another that he likely does know who he is.  He just won't admit it to himself.  Yes, it's sad, and yes, he's been through hard times, but so have you.  

The real issue is what you are both willing to do about it.  You have taken steps to see a therapist, heal from your own wounds, and learn more about what you are willing to tolerate. 

One of the hardest things, I think, that our group struggles with is lack of love in our relationship.  We tend to question everything and every piece of beauty that comes at us.  With you being a survivor of SA, I'm sure trust is a huge issue for you, as well as fear.   But you are brave, and you have identified the problem and are working on it, for you.  

I think it's so easy to fall in love when you find a real connection with someone, especially after trauma like many of us have had.  We crave connection, being understood, being loved.  Because of that, anytime anyone shows us affection and love, it's like a fresh rain on our face, washing away the dirt that has piled up on us over the years.  
It's so hard when this happens, and the "truth" comes out.  It's a truth many of us never hoped or dreamed would be true, but it is true.   He said to you straight (no pun intended there) out that he never planned on telling you he thought he was gay.   How scary that must be for him.  I'm sure he does love you. Perhaps because he can be himself around you.   But it begs the question, can you be yourself around him?  Can you ask for what you want and receive it?  Even if you do feel love for him, it doesn't mean you are responsible for him or his issues.    I heard that over and over in your words, that you don't want him hurt, or alone, or heartbroken. 
I can safely say none of us here want that for you, and for me personally, I don't want that for your boyfriend either.   You both deserve a relationship in which you feel love, trust, and safety to be your authentic selves. 
Hugs to you. 
 

WOW. I never expected anyone to reply to this...I have felt so alone out here in a place where I know no one and don't know how to find anything. By the grace of God I found a loving and kind therapist, but that is about it. 
Thank you for not minding my verbosity! 

I think I am brave enough now to actually talk to him about all of this. It's so important that I communicate this with him now, and not wait till later. What sucks is that we have been having such a great week and I don't want to spoil it. But at the same time it just tears me up inside that I am dealing with this all on my own. I look so much more haggard than I did when I arrived here from California. 

I AM concerned about his welfare, but I am concerned about mine as well. I have always been the lamb on the altar in my relationships. I was raised in a very strict, Christian household (almost to the point of control freak Christianity) and the woman/man was supposed to accept the other's faults and work through them no matter what. I have heard of plenty of people who have had bisexual relationships, but I am worried that he may be leaning more gay than bi. If it was bi, I may be able to handle it. 
I took screenshots of what I found and hid them in four separate places on my person. He already had gotten into my computer and deleted all the things I had found in his history the FIRST time I found stuff. He hasn't been active on those communities on Tumblr or Instagram in a long while since meeting me. I found a couple of pictures of females he had looked at (FTM) and saved to his flash drive when we were seeing each other. 

It gets worse. 

I also found files in the basement of young males giving him blowjobs. They didn't look really recent, but they didn't look super old either. I would guess by the clothing of the subjects early 2000's, maybe 2005-2006. Which would fit with the timeline he presented me with. The thing is that they look really young. And he was in his late 20's by that time. So there is that. 

He also has files on his old CPU. At least 40 of them, all filed neatly by name. Naked, semi-naked. Some with him in them, some of them not. He has already thrown a lot of his things away. Didn't notice that I knew he threw them away. What gets me is that he wiped the devices he knew I had hacked, wiped them clean and stuck to his phone and Macbook like flies on horseshit. (can I cuss in here?)

What breaks my heart is he was the one who started talking about getting married, having kids. He wants this so badly. We were talking about it over dinner and I just wanted to scream at him, It's never going to happen you LIAR. I have never been both so angry and so depressed in my entire life. This has brought back some serious PTSD I had from a previous relationship that completely altered my life and how I saw myself. That one happened AFTER the rape. All of this has caused me to have two breakdowns and a mini seizure. I really do think that because of everything that has happened to him that he developed into a sociopath of sorts, because he has trouble showing true remorse and he lies constantly about things. 

How do I even BEGIN to approach him about any of this? 
I have no where to go, and my job doesn't pay me enough right now to supply me with a safe living space, food and necessities. And my dog is very ill and old. 

Be careful. It sounds like this might not be the best time for disclosure. For some of our spouses protecting the secret was more important than anything else including their partner. If you have decided you want out, quietly start an exit plan. Always have an escape route ready. Take care!